You’ve most likely heard a ton of stories about E3. How it’s a magical wonderland along the lines of Shangra-La and K’un L’un. How your fondest dreams come true when you’re there, how nothing is off limits. Well it’s sort of true, but I’m afraid it’s time to burst the bubble with the kind of hard-hitting jernalizm that only I can provide. Sit your ass down, step back and prepare to read on about E3. I’m going to show you what really goes down, behind closed doors.
The stupid early-hours of the first proper day of E3
02:00 AM: Right, press conferences done and dusted, stories written and scheduled, all electronics are charging for tomorrow. Now for some sleep, because I’m clearly immune to jet lag.
03:00 AM: Well shit, I’m still awake.
04:00 AM: Briefly wake up after almost drowning in pool of saliva. Fall asleep again
05:00 AM: I’M AWAKE I’M AWAKE I’M AWAKE! Oh wait…
06:00 AM: Realise that I have another corpse in my case, after I forgot about smuggling a fan into the US of A.
07:00 AM: Start cleaning my filthy, diseases games jornalist/blogger/blobber body as I prepare for the day, paying extra attention to the build-up of cynicism in my nostrils.
07:30 AM: F***ing cynicism hairs are stubborn this morning.
08:00 AM: Go online. Immediately regret the decision when Geoff begins verbally abusing me, reducing me to tears within seconds.
08:10 AM: Geoff apologises, tells me that he is merely jealous over me getting to play Streak Puncher V before him.
08:11 AM: Geoff challenges me to a machete fight.
Breakfast time mother-lovers
09:00 AM: Time for breakfast. Head downstairs, decide to start the day with a healthy and balanced meal that’ll sustain me throughout E3.
09:05 AM: Return to buffet for a second plate of crispy bacon
09:06 AM: Chef expresses concerns over the fact that I’m dipping the bacon in Nutella.
09:07 AM: I get thrown out for stealing bacon from other hotel patrons.
09:20 AM: Grab a quick Uber cab to the Los Angeles Convention Center
09:34 AM: Arrive at the LACC. Uber is awesome, seriously. I don’t joke about rad service and start-ups. U-BER!
09:54 AM: Schmisney Infinity and Highlander scalpers prepare themselves. After a gruelling year of preparing their minds, bodies and souls, they are now ready to sprint their way to the relevant stands where they can stand in line and pick up a free toy that will soon be hocked on eBay to morons, at an inflated price. Dozens die in the ensuing scramble, the National Guard is called in and only the fittest survive the gruelling running of the bulls that is the opening of E3.
Let the games begin!
10:02 AM: An impatient moron buys a Schmisney Infinity/Highlander figure for hundreds of dollars on eBay, preferring not to wait a few months to get the figures for cheap.
10:15 AM: And my first appointment is a go! I get to see Ace McStab Yo Face 5 behind closed doors, while the developers gush on about the game as I take notes and prepare to interview one of them afterwards.
10:22 AM: Demo ends, and the game is kind of ok really. Nothing special.
10:23 AM: I get given a free T-shirt
10:24 AM: Ace McStab Yo Face 5 is game of the year material, mark my words.
10:35 AM: While chatting to a developer, I ask about improving online connectivity for Ace McStab Yo Face 5 over the previous game. I immediately feel a burning sensation at the back of my head as a PR agent fires her laser-eyes of hate at me.
11:00 AM: Get to go see a game that I’m genuinely looking forward to, which rhymes with Scat-Man. I’m easily impressed. Get given another T-shirt. I’m easily impressed even more.
11:32 AM: Decide that Scat-Man deserves a Best Of E3 award, which I proceed to place on a wall with other awards.
11:33 AM: Silently curse the bastard who decided to make an award sticker the size of a rugby field, so that there would be no space for other organisations to hand out superfluous honours.
12:00 PM: Free time! Which gives me ample opportunity to walk around and snap some photos of the E3 slaughter fields.
12:04 PM: Get trampled half to death when Lazer hardware starts throwing out free T-shirts to the crowd.
12:45 PM: Paramedics resuscitate me after a bacon-induced heart attack which occured as I ran to a Mopey-Mon meeting, warn me to stay off pork products.
01:00 PM: Purchase a $25 bacon burger for a quick lunch. Convention food is expensive.
01:25 PM: Arrive for my WCW 2D16 appointment, get to meet a real-life wrestler.
01:26 PM: Wrestler elbow drops me through a table when he’s informed that I gave the previous game a terrible score. Still the best day of my life.
It’s all virtually real
02:00 PM: Go heads-on with the latest 3D headset.
02:15 PM: Get thrown out of booth for violently vomiting everywhere.
03:00 PM: Run afoul of die-hard anime game fans, lose them in the booths populated by indie devs. It’s a slaughterfest.
04:00 PM: Run into fellow local writers. We laugh, chat and share stories of the day.
04:13 PM: I’m going to mail those bastards a bunch of boxes that contain spiders inside. Then Lazygamer will be number one locally.
04:15 PM: Fail to find any revenge websites that ship boxes full of spiders.
05:00 PM: Final appointment for the day. Developer may be drunk, as he reads from a prepared statement about Clawhammer: Storage Space Soldier
05:30 PM: Time to head back to the hotel and start writing about the day so far.
06:00 PM: Arrive, set everything up and feel the creative juices flowing in my head which are ready to be unleashed.
07:00 PM: So far I’ve written a half-post about free T-shirts. I’m not very good at this.
08:00 PM: A stack of work, ready to be scheduled and posted sits in the backend of the site. At which point, I decide that it’s time for supper.
08:05 PM: Realise that a simple burger requires me getting a mortgage back home, thanks to the crappy exchange rate. Activate Plan B.
08:27 PM: Plan B is a success, thanks to my ability to mooch off of PR and their immeasurable company credit cards. My parasite skills level up +5
And so it ends
09:00 PM: Back at the hotel, check work and mails and start preparing for the day tomorrow.
09: 35 PM: American TV is weird.
10: 07 PM: Bugger it, time to sleep.
11:34 PM: SHIT STILL JET-LAGGED.
05:36 AM: A box arrives for me. I regret opening it when the spiders all rush out.
06: 00 AM: Rinse and repeat.
Last Updated: June 11, 2015
June 11, 2015 at 15:37
None of that stuck except for the fact that you get free stuff.
Blood Emperor Trevor
June 11, 2015 at 15:40
Is anyone else picturing D like this right now? Ineffective, but otherwise like this.