How Bioshock Infinite’s Elizabeth was stolen

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Is Bioshock Infinite a great game built on lies and the hard work of Ren and Stimpy? Yes, yes it is. And we’ve got proof right here to justify the fact that Ken Levine and the team at Irrational are a bunch of idea thieves.

Elizabeth. She’s the heart and soul of the game. The eyes and attitude to Booker DeWitt’s eyes up chin down approach to solving problems. She’s the reason why people are playing the game, blasting their way through obstacles so that Elizabeth can experience true freedom.

She’s the most original character seen this year, filled with more emotion than David Cage can shake a stick at. She’s also been around since 1992. With undeniable proof before us, Lazygamer accidentally discovered while surfing for videos revolving around funny cats and Peter Molyneux vitriol that Elizabeth first popped up in an episode of Ren and Stimpy, title “Powdered Toast Man”.

Known simply as “Lovely assistant”, and minus the fact that she has around a grand total of 23 seconds screen time in the 9 minute short, the resemblance is uncanny. Here, see for yourself:

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We booked a plane flight to wherever it is that Irrational Games is located with some hush hush money from Sega about that bug in the one Sonic game that allows you extra speed after obtaining the Chaos Cocaine gem. We managed to corner creative director Ken Levine in his studio, where we asked him to explain what was going on. This is what Levine had to say;

Who the hell are you people? Security! And give me back my wallet!

One short deportation flight later, and we were back, with more questions that ever before. Such as “Did we forget to bring Geoff back from Guantanamo Bay?” and “Was that cavity search really necessary?”. Whatever the final result, we know that Bioshock Infinite is a game built on lies and deception.

Last Updated: April 1, 2013

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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