Introducing Critical Hit’s new game review system

3 min read
38

No-more

Every year, billions of game developers die because of Metacritic. An arbitrary collection of numbers and some other aggregate crap that makes no sense to a guy who barely passed his Maths exam in Grade 7, it’s clear that this system is holding us back. But Critical Hit (previously Lazygamer) has heard your cries. Critical Hit is here to save the day. And as the most important website in Africa (Behind Bathroom Bizarre Online, SpareBeetleParts.co.za and MugabeFalls.org), we feel that we have a duty to be a shining beacon of inspiration with our review system.

For starters, none of our reviews will contain any words whatsoever. Market research has proven that audiences don’t exactly care for a thousand-odd words of hastily written tripe, especially when it has been penned by a gang of foul-smelling Morlocks with the manners of a bloated dead horse. So words are out, and instead our reviews will use revolutionary new Negative Space Technology ™, while we pretend to have actually played the game.

Instead of using those bastard numbers to assign an opinionated value to our reviews, we’ve overhauled the system to now use the finest reaction GIF’s, gathered from five minutes of drunkenly surfing through 4Chan. Our new system works as follows:

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100-91:

90-81:

80-71:

70-61:

60-51:

50-41:

40-31:

30-21:

20-11:

10-0:

There may be a level of adjustment required for this new format, but seeing as how we spent over R1 Billion to hire the guys behind the eNATIS system to create this for us, we really don’t care about any complaints. Tune in next week, where we stay ahead of the curve once again by closing the website down for good, so that we can be as cool as 1UP.com and GameSpy.
*We’re not ditching numbers. Numbers are awesome. If you believed that article though, I’d gladly share of some of your medicinal “medicine” with you.

Last Updated: February 13, 2017

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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