It'll take a million, says Boll

3 min read
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Could it be? Will we finally see the end of Uwe Boll, the talentless German director who delivered atrocious examples of cinema in the guise of Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, Postal and soon Far Cry? ‘Talentless’ is a bit of a harsh word – in fact, if you have seen some of his films you might agree that Boll is truly gifted. In an Ed Wood kind of way. But that might open the door to a cult feature film about the guy many years from now. Best we move on.

Gamers, being the crowd of haters that they are, obviously just can’t let go. True, not all gamers are like that, but there is an unfortunate side to gaming that makes its participants appear to have the shared intelligence and social grace of a five year old. The ‘Gimme!’ culture of gaming is annoying and I bet quite a few developers wish they didn’t have to suffer the constant demands of a pretty fickle audience. Fortunately this isn’t universal. One opinion I read of Bioshock is that it sucked because it lacked more guns and you couldn’t carry an arsenal of total doom with you. Obviously the game’s sales reflect otherwise, but the gamer’s standard position is one of demanded privilege – as if the developers of the world make games because they love US, not games.

But I digress. Uwe Boll sucks, so much that the whinging masses of gaming think it’s a worthwhile and noble pursuit to try and stop him. Everyone’s already doing their bit – I doubt there is a single one of his game movies that even made anything resembling a profit. Still, the guy gets under gamer skins, which is roughly as tough as slipping a condom on a pencil that has been marinating in oil. Thus we hate him and projects like this have risen to stop the madness. Please, Uwe Boll, stop making game movies, because we all know the other game movies were simply terrific.

But Boll has agreed! In an interview he said 1 million signatures will dot he trick! So here is your chance. Really – you can’t lose: either you vote Boll to stop and you prove my position that gamers are a bunch of reactionary, self-diluted prima-donnas or you don’t vote, I look like an ass and Boll keeps doing what he does (though for a lot less).

Frankly, I say go for option two. Boll will stop anyway without your help. I, myself, am proof of this – without any input from my side, Jessica Simpson has stopped singing and Paris Hilton really has no movie career.

Last Updated: April 8, 2008

James

A total movie glutton, nothing is too bad or too obscure to watch, unless it's something like The Human Centipede. If you enjoyed that, there is something wrong with you. But bless you anyway - even video nasties need love...

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