Privates – A Shooter Set in a Vagina

2 min read


Sometimes the world astounds me. Now is one of those times. Zombie Cow Studios, developers of “Time Gentlemen, Please!” have announced their next game, set for release on Xbox 360 and PC.

It’s called Privates – and is a twin stick shooter in the Commando 3 vein in which – and I’m really not making this up – “you lead a teeny-tiny gang of condom-hatted marines as they delve into peoples’ vaginas and bottoms and blast away at all manner of oozy, shouty monsters.” Really! It has anal.

Expect to suit up and combat “all manner of grotty infections” you’ll encounter in a cavernous battlefield littered with curly hair. They say  “It’s rude, funny, bitingly satirical and technically pretty accurate if you don’t count the tiny people or the germs with teeth.” I say it sounds like the dream project of grown men who wish they were still 12.

“We’re exploring some pretty unique gaming environments and themes… I can honestly say I can’t imagine you’ve ever played anything quite like it. These first five screenshots should give you a pretty good idea of what we’re up to, but there’s a hell of a lot more to come soon,” said Zombie Cow founder Dan Marshall, probably while winking and nudging his mates in the rib with his elbow.

As the game’s funded by channel 4, the PC version will be free, while the Xbox 360 version might cost something. Maybe. Providing it gets passed Microsoft’s conservative certification, that is.

So if you’ve been shot down by girls, but never had the opportunity to be shot down in them, look no further than Zombie Cow’s Privates – which might be the closest you’ll get to a vagina, you videogame playing nerd, you.

Source : Zombie Cow

Last Updated: May 12, 2010

Geoffrey Tim

Editor. I'm old, grumpy and more than just a little cynical. One day, I found myself in possession of a NES, and a copy of Super Mario Bros 3. It was that game that made me realise that games were more than just toys to idly while away time - they were capable of being masterpieces. I'm here now, looking for more of those masterpieces.

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