Ali vs. Foreman. Batman vs. Superman. Aliens vs. Predator. Banting vs. the Paleolithic diet. All massive clashes, but they all have one thing in common: They all paled in comparison to the showdown that took place on Saturday. While it may have been billed as the finals to the national Mortal Kombat X tournament, we all knew that the crowds had gathered for one match only: Team D vs Team DK. The giant of SA Gamer took on the Titan of Lazygamer and both looked relatively the same size in comparison. And it was a match for the ages.
Round 0 – The talking of the smack
I had to give Dave credit: It’s amazing that he found two ladies to escort him inside, but I think Dawid and Garth from SA Gamer suited him. Decked out in a trendy gold PlayStation controller that was curiously devoid of any custard marks, Dave had the swagger of a number one contender, ready to fight it down to the wire for my belt and championship. But Team D was ready to rock ‘n roll all night long, sweet Suzy.
And with a pair of microphones, we proved that our mouths most certainly could write cheques that our asses would find difficult to cash. But it was time. It was time to avenge my Twitter wife Sam, time to teach Dave some respect. It was time…FOR MORTAL KOMBAT!
Round 1 – FIGHT!
Dave and I knew who were taking into battle. Deciding to play as the combo-heavy Takeda in his Lasher variant, I decided to go old-school and stick it to him with Liu Kang. And from the opening bell, it was on. Whips, fireballs and more kicks to the face than a pervert getting too close to a French can-can dance line highlighted two rounds of pain for Dave. In the end, he was no match for a relentless assault of punches and boots to ass techniques, eventually ending the first match of the day without a throat. But I may have gotten a bit cocky…
Round 2 – Disaster strikes
Because like an RKO, Dave came outta nowhere with an onslaught of attacks that completely wrecked me. The crowd was cheering, Sam was close to tears and Liu Kang was being demolished worse than my arse after swallowing a a Bhut Jolokia pepper. It was embarrasing how easily my ass was being handed to me, while I felt Geoff’s icy stare from the back, disappointed and ready to tweet about my failure to avenge my Twitter-wife. It was time to stop underestimating Dave. It was time to fight not for myself, but for Sam. For Lazygamer. FOR TEAM D!
Round 3 – Revengeance
I’m not going to lie to you: An ass was kicked so hard, that it achieved lift-off and is now sometimes seen on nights that weather people call “full moon” evenings. Dave fought valiantly, seeming to have an advantage at times before dipping into a bag of foot-to-face techniques that were peppered with well-timed reversal uppercuts. In the end, Team D was victorious.
Honour had been salvaged, justice had been dealt out and my greatest nemesis had finally been defeated. The champ…was going nowhere.
In all honesty though, I’ve got plenty of thanks to throw out. Massive respect and hearts to my battle-brother Dave Kozlowski. What we created together, was a masterpiece of dodgy videos, holstered chocolates and the oddest showdown that this country had ever seen. To my Twitter wife Sam, there’s no way that Team D could have won if you weren’t in my corner. Ster-Kinekor Entertainment and Ronelle Hendricks, a massive bucket of win to organising the BEST fighting game tournament of all time, and I’m dead keen to see how the real national champ does in Paris. Highest of fives to NAV-Tv and their sponsors Razer and Corex for not only streaming the match, but shout-casting it as well. Dawid Roesterf, huge thanks for the spare footage of the event. LIFESAVER!
And lastly, to everyone who supported Team D and made us a Twitter trend: If my heart wasn’t a vile and mishapen piece of blackened muscle that barely keeps me alive, there’d be a place for you in it.
Last Updated: June 8, 2015