Back in the day, unlocking an extra character in a fighting game would revolve around you opening up secrets in your favourite brawler, not opening up your wallet and forking out extra cash. Developers had fun with the concept back then, inserting cool characters and villains into the mix. Some of those developers also suffered severe brain damage thanks to prenatal alcohol abuse, resulting in the following five fighting game characters that time forgot.
Dr Bosconovitch – Tekken 3
Tekken has plenty of martial arts on offer. From capoeira that most likely had dozens of kids signing up to join local Brazilian dojos before their dreams and faces were crushed in a street fight, through to the exotic art of the robo-bitch slap, Tekken had gamers covered.
And then there’s Dr Bosconovitch, who watched Jiu Jitsu on TV one day and decided to improve on that fighting style by combining it with a bad back and old age. Lethal stuff.
Clearly having never even been ina fight, Bosconovitch fights like a five year old slapping a controller, hoping to land a lucky hit. Dead mice have better defences than Dr Bosconovitch, a character who exists solely to appease those fans who are still pissed off that Stephen Hawking: World Warrior, isn’t a game yet.
Mokap – Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance
To become a Mortal Kombat Kharacter, you’ve got to express a willingness to fight one too many kombatants, not be afraid to lose an arm or two and have detailed knowledge on how to get blood stains out of clothing.
Or you could know a designer, who decides to say ‘screw it’ and proceed to not apply a green sex ninja pallet on the motion capture performer. Mokap is pretty much that, but with an innocent look on his face as if he has no idea that he jst slept with your girlfriend. Using your own bedroom moves in the process.
Well played Mortal Kombat, well played.
Fred Durst – WWE Smackdown: Just Bring It!
Guys, lemme warn you. There is nothing more dangerous than a white guy who has watched way too much Rocky and believes that he may be the fictional son of Apollo Creed, but with slicker rhymes and more charisma.
Back in the 2000s, after the Undertaker had taken one too many chair shots to the head and started using Limp Bizkit entrance music, Fred Durst appeared in a WWE game as a bonafide playable character. For those of you who actually wanted to experience jumping off a top rope and landing an elbow in a chocolate starfish as the Durstinator, you had to go through slobber-knocker mode and take down twenty steroid abusers in a row, 19 of which were most likely Chris Benoit running around on roid rage.
Bonus fact: Fred Durst also appeared in the Fight Club video game, making it lose an average of around 20% from its final score when reviewers discovered him.
Barney The Dinosaur – Xenophage: Alien Bloodsport
I love you, you love me, I’m going to play hop scotch in your chest cavity! Barney the dinosaur is evil in purple felt, a horseman of the apocalypse and most likely uses the meat carcass of a trapped sumo wrestler with which to walk the earth.
Unlike sumo wrestlers however, he’s a full on Cretaceous killer in Xenophage: Alien Bloodsport, and won’t hesitate to T-wreck your ass in that classic MS-DOS game. Barney the dinosaur is so damn lethal, that Hiroshima survivors routinely consider him to be the first Godzilla that wiped their city off the map during World War 2.
Don’t ever accept a hug from this killer.
Hornet – Fighters Megamix
Fighters Megamix is what Kim Jong Un would draw if you asked him what he feared the most. If video game discs were fed growth hormones, Fighters Megamix would be bastard final result that would be used to patrol the entrance to secret labs.
It’s not enough that FM has characters from both Virtua Fighter and Fighting Vipers, but it actually allows players to play as a Daytona USA car. Yep, you heard me, a car. Burning Rubber as the Hornet may be one of the weirdest experiences a gamer can see in a fighting game, as the only fighting style available is culpable homicide.
Hornet stands up like a polar bear ready to eat your face off while you have an arctic crap, ready to see what would happen if it crunched a tire into your face. And by that logic alone, Fighters Megamix may be the greatest fighting game of all time, a treasure that should be preserved for future generations who will have the technology to make cars fight one another.
Last Updated: July 31, 2013
Sir Rants-a-Lot Llew
July 31, 2013 at 15:40
Dude I don’t see it but please oh please oh please tell me you have Gavin, Geoff and Yolanda hidden amongst those characters in the header