The latest episode of Hitman makes Trump great again

4 min read


The greatest joy in Hitman doesn’t come from disposing of thoroughly nasty people using methods that drip with irony. It’s from observing the world around you. Eavesdropping on conversations, being a peeping Tom and all that. Hitman may be 2016’s best murder simulator, but it’s also filled to the brim with slices of life that give the various sandboxes that it exists in an added touch of reality.

Maybe you’ve heard the chef in a fancy Bangkok hotel mumbling about how millennials are ruining the joy of food with their bizarre zero-carb requests, or an uptight fashion designer bemoaning about how his style has been taken over by corporate interests. Point is, the world of Hitman is filled with interesting tales, from people who maybe also deserve to be introduced to the business end of an exploding rubber ducky.

It’s also a world filled with hope apparently, as one presidential candidate in that world is ready to make America great again:

If you can’t see the video above, here’s a transcript of the scene:

Hapless Guard #1 who will soon have his neck broken: I just watched an interview with that billionaire presidential candidate last night. You know, the one with the famous hairdo. That guy seems so well composed, and has such a refined academic way to use his arguments, flanked with well-researched facts and figures. He’s honest and trustworthy, don’t you think?

Hapless Guard #2 who will be stabbed to death with a screwdriver: Are you serious? I honestly think that you are in need of professional help. Right here, right now.

Hapless Guard #1: You know what, screw you! You don’t respect me! We’re through, I’m done with you!

Hapless Guard #2: Don’t take it personal, you’re freaking out! I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was such a big deal for you, I’m SORRY. Jesus Christ, get back to work.

It’s not often that video games are up to speed with current events, due to lengthy development times that render such references being massively outdated. Fortunately, Hitman’s episodic model seems to be doing it some favours with sly nods to hot topics right now. Especially when they concern the American populace being divided over who they should vote for.

Read  Hitman 2 Interview – Designing an opportunity, more dynamic AI and the new tools of the trade

A dodgy lady who flip flops between issues but has the potential to not lead the world into a nuclear Armageddon, or a massive waste of blood and organs who lies, cheats and is abusive to any non-white ethnicity while making promises that are flimsier than his comb-over hairstyle. Just sayin’.

Last Updated: September 29, 2016

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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