Area 51: It’s either a secret military base where new technology is researched or it’s something far more sinister. A hive of conspiracies and one-world government cohorts, all plotting to render the planet uninhabitable while the 1% retreat to their polar getaways built using advanced alien technology. Currently, a call on reddit has gone out to finally bust into Area 51 and get the lowdown on what’s really going on inside the place.
Around a half-million on FaceBook alone have signed a petition pledging that they’ll be ready to storm the gates of Area 51 in pursuit of the truth and hot alien interspecies romance like what Mass Effect promised us. Now while we’d suggest that showing up to Area 51 with a few dozen pals and seeing if you can outrun bullets is probably a bad idea, we’d also be remiss not to suggest using a few of the best vehicles in video gaming to find the truth. Here’s what we’d rock up in if we could afford them.
Or if they were real.
Batmobile – Batman: Arkham Knight
You’ll be standing there on the edge of a building, your noble brothers falling in battle as they fail to Naruto-outrun the hail of bullets coming at them. That’s when you’ll tap a button on your gauntlet, as you even the odds.
Swooping down into the greatest of all Batmobiles, you won’t just be using its many horses and to crash through the barricades. No sir, you’ll instantly transform it into a mobile weapons platform, deftly weaving between armed guards and tanks as you use totally non-lethal weapons to subdue the opposition and take out their vehicles. Or you would, if reality wasn’t a theoritical simulation existing in 196, 833 dimensional space that still can’t patch itself to make Batman: Arkham Knight work without crashing every ten seconds.
Warthog – Halo
It may be about as open and vulnerable as an all-you-can-drink bar at a wedding, but there’s no denying the power of Halo’s iconic Warthog. Built for war and designed to be the kind of car that 1600 Beach Buggies wanted to be when they grew up, the Warthog is speed, power and agility. It’s the car that you’d want in your corner when you want to make a statement and drop the kids off at the alien pool where visitors from Alpha Centauri use hypnotic mind worms to influence the liberal media.
Roach – The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt
They may be protecting the sound stage where the Moon Landing was faked, but not even the most devout soldier would dare fire on Roach from The Witcher series of games. A steed of magnificent breeding and able to exude equine brilliance, Roach is more than just four-legged transportation who can gallop from anywhere in reality to be near your side.
He’s a symbol, an icon of brilliance and the purity of a cause dreamt up by lunatics on an online forum. Plus, he’d be able to get up on the roof with ease. ROACH FOREVER!
Sparrow – Destiny
Low and fast, that’s how you want to infiltrate Area 51. If you’re looking to slip past soldiers and speed under barricades, Destiny’s mighty Sparrows are the perfect tool for the job. Sure, they might leave you exposed but you’d need the reaction speed of the Flash near the end of an episode when he gets his act together after a corridor pep talk, if you wanted to shoot a freedom fighter off of that marvellous future hover-bike.
If you’re looking to bust into the hangar section that happens to be filled with abducted humans who are then murdered so that aliens can get their taste of our delicious flesh, the Sparrow is the ultimate way to go.
Magnum Opus – Mad Max
WE RIDE REDDIT BROTHERS! ON THE FURY ROAD TOWARDS THE GLORY OF AREA 51! Make no mistake, the war to take over Area 51 will be filed with blood and fire, and the only way forward is with a war machine cobbled together from leftover vehicles that were designed to survive the harshest environments possible and deliver a sacrifice of gasoline in the process.
Mad Max’s Magnum Opus is the sum total of this philosophy, a rough and tumble vehicle which when fully outfitted is a sight to behold. It probably won’t hold together for too long once it comes under attack, but it will pave the way for your fellow brothers to witness you as you deliver them into the hangar where the remains of Elvis Presley are kept in cryogenic storage. Oh what a wonderful day.
Cyborg Blood Dragon – Far Cry: Blood Dragon
Reverse-engineered alien technology? The only way to fight back against a military that has the bleeding edge in technology is to slap ‘em with the very best that the 1980s has to offer: A rampaging genetically engineered blood dragon that you can psychically bond with, ride and use its mounted laser cannons with which to carve a path forward to the bunker where ancient alien intelligence yielded unto mankind the recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Slicecycle – Dead Rising 2
I know what you’re thinking: It’s wrong to fight back against the brave fellas who safeguard America. But what you’re forgetting, is that Area 51 isn’t guarded by humans, but actually cunningly-disguised Reptilian creatures who emerged from inside the Hollow Earth so that they could take control of our governments. WAKE UP SHEEPLE! Slice them in half with Dead Rising 2’s best character, a motorcycle that has chainsaws duct-taped to it!
Axel’s Taxi – Crazy Taxi
It’s indestructible, can go from 0-60 in a manner that would make the Bugatti Veyron jealous and its just what you need to ram through the doors and finally bust those poor alien souls out from the interrogation room at Area 51. Except for Alf, who is unfortunately real and deserves to be dissected for eternity because he has an appetite for cats.
Party Bus – Fornite: Battle Royale
The Illuminati may be prepared for legions of redditors to arrive via Uber, but they could never imagine that a party bus would slowly float over Area 51 and air-drop legions of truth-hunters into the base. I mean sure, it may be a bus whose speed makes it frighteningly vulnerable to everything from bullets to Tomahawk cruise missiles, but hey at least those suckers I mean activists will provide a distraction so that you can sneak in and help dismantle the one-world government.
The Forklift – Shenmue series
Hey, if you’re going to steal state secrets regarding how the US government has been secretly breeding human-alien hybrids so that teh Greyz can keep a constant supply of organs to harvest for the sake of immortality, be prepared to do some heavy lifting! The forklift from Shenmue fits the bill, as it’s easy to operate, can lift plenty and it can easily scoot away with a folder full of files on how to build a weather dominator. And maybe even the secrets behind why Shenmue 3 took so long to be developed. Maybe.
Last Updated: July 15, 2019