The terrifyingly true tale of how an Xbox One chat headset drove me to madness

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Right listen here: I love the Xbox One controller. It’s fantastic, shaped perfectly and the various rumble motors are perfectly aligned to my nipples and my fingers. Yes. Fingers. A fantastic wonderful piece of technology, except for one glaring problem: That f***ing port to slot a headset adapter into. It’s the bane of my life, a back-breaking miniature terminal that is the Moriarty to my Holmes. Joker to my Batman. John Oliver to my Donald Trump.

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Right now, I’m currently on my third Xbox One controller in 18 months. That’s two controllers that I’ve broken, in tragic instances where I actually lost all reason and went berserk because of that damned headset. How? I’m not even sure myself. All I know, is that at one point, the world went red and I was left staring at some shattered technology.

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Much like the remains of my Xbox One chat headset however, I have pieced together memories of what went down. Look, it all comes down to this little bastard tag-team:

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For some reason, I could never get the two to align with each other. It was excruciating fumbling, much like your first time after your Matric farewell dance. And try as I might, I just couldn’t insert them into place. There comes a time, when you feel that fever. That sickness, the rage and the powerlessness, that turns a good man…cruel.

Or in my case, it got to the point where I got so fed up after an hour of trying to jack my damn headset in, that I went full-Hulk and bashed the input device in using the side of my desk. Which may have been a mistake. Because while I finally did get my headset in, it was at the expense of the electronics inside of the controller. Lesson learnt. Twice.

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Flub deux was the breaking point for me. A lesson of stupidity, that cost me R900 just so that I could go buy yet another new controller with the new 3.5mm audio jack which has so far proven to be Darryn-proof. So far. The headset itself is pretty much a write-off, after I tried to send it back to the tenth circle of damnation by creating an impromptu hellmouth portal from Christmas decorations:

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Which then led to the controller suffering a tragic fate that involved a moment of rage and an axe:

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I’m also genuinely hoping, that the third time is the charm.

THE END……?

fREDDY-D

Last Updated: March 17, 2016

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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