Right listen here: I love the Xbox One controller. It’s fantastic, shaped perfectly and the various rumble motors are perfectly aligned to my nipples and my fingers. Yes. Fingers. A fantastic wonderful piece of technology, except for one glaring problem: That f***ing port to slot a headset adapter into. It’s the bane of my life, a back-breaking miniature terminal that is the Moriarty to my Holmes. Joker to my Batman. John Oliver to my Donald Trump.
Right now, I’m currently on my third Xbox One controller in 18 months. That’s two controllers that I’ve broken, in tragic instances where I actually lost all reason and went berserk because of that damned headset. How? I’m not even sure myself. All I know, is that at one point, the world went red and I was left staring at some shattered technology.
Much like the remains of my Xbox One chat headset however, I have pieced together memories of what went down. Look, it all comes down to this little bastard tag-team:
For some reason, I could never get the two to align with each other. It was excruciating fumbling, much like your first time after your Matric farewell dance. And try as I might, I just couldn’t insert them into place. There comes a time, when you feel that fever. That sickness, the rage and the powerlessness, that turns a good man…cruel.
Or in my case, it got to the point where I got so fed up after an hour of trying to jack my damn headset in, that I went full-Hulk and bashed the input device in using the side of my desk. Which may have been a mistake. Because while I finally did get my headset in, it was at the expense of the electronics inside of the controller. Lesson learnt. Twice.
Flub deux was the breaking point for me. A lesson of stupidity, that cost me R900 just so that I could go buy yet another new controller with the new 3.5mm audio jack which has so far proven to be Darryn-proof. So far. The headset itself is pretty much a write-off, after I tried to send it back to the tenth circle of damnation by creating an impromptu hellmouth portal from Christmas decorations:
Which then led to the controller suffering a tragic fate that involved a moment of rage and an axe:
I’m also genuinely hoping, that the third time is the charm.
Last Updated: March 17, 2016