I used to joke how E3 attracts a very weird sort of industry to its doors. I mean, video game journalists happen to exist just above the people who make the pre-roll adverts for YouTube, and just below the kind of mouth-breathing degenerates who spit their gum out onto the sidewalk. But there’s also another kind of person that you’ll find at E3: The opportunist.
The Electronic Entertainment Expo has a massive subculture of swag-hunters. People who visit as many booths as possible to get their hands on a T-shirt, lanyard or back in the day Disney Infinity figures. Hell, I’d watch gangs of these people work out a system to line up again and again to maximise their merch efforts. The reason why? Cold hard cash of course.
For anyone who can’t go to E3, owning a piece of the convention is the next best thing. And said pieces are already popping up on eBay. The most expensive merch as of right now, is all Nintendo. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild has swaggeteers placing a perceived value of hundreds of dollars for anything with a T-shirt or coin that has the logo plastered on it:
Fancy pretending that you were actually at E3 this year? Fool your friends and family, flash one of many branded access cards that still reeks of the neck sweat of the person who wore it. And they’ll be like all “oh dude you so cool” and stuff. Success around your neck, guaranteed.
SID MEIER’S PEN! No wait, I didn’t read the fine print. It’s just a branded pen. Bet it doesn’t contain a hint of genius in the ink.
I’ve got a soft spot for Atlus at E3. Every year, they’re there to make life a little bit easier for attendees. By handing out massive swag bags that you can actually wear on your back. If you can beat their staff in a dance-off that is. DANCE! NOTHING LEFT FOR ME TO DO BUT DANCE!
New plan: Steal all the T-shirts at E3 next year. Sell them for massively inflated prices. Use said ill-gotten gains to fund the purchase of an Xbox Hank Scorpio. Genius.
Let me drop a bombshell for you: Sony doesn’t hand out flash drives with Bitcoin currency loaded onto them as bribes for positive reviews. They’re just filled with assets for writing about their games. Simple as that. Unless you know how to find that hidden folder on the drive…
E3 is still in its infancy this week. Expect a lot, lot more profiteering this week.
Last Updated: June 15, 2016