Look, we’ve all made mistakes while playing games. Just ask anyone who bought Brink. But Pokémon Go is a different breed of gaming on the go. Chances are, if you haven’t been mugged or run over by law enforcement for not being white, something bad is going to eventually happen to you. And it just did, because there’s a smell of cocaine in the air and accents thicker than my last attempt at brewing beer.
Don’t panic, and be calm. I’m here to help you. Or watch you die while trying.
Oh crap, how did this happen
Listen, you’re going to have to start paying attention to your surroundings while playing Pokémon Go. If you see green, then you’re clean. If you see a gun then it’s time to run.
Who are these guys, and what do I do?
Okay, first things first? What do they sound like to you?
Like a Vodka advert if Michael Bay produced it
Okay, you’ve stumbled into a deal with Russian Bratva, the Mafia of East Europe. I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news for you.
How can there possibly be any good news in this kind of situation?
Well here’s the bad news: They’re probably going to kill you. The good news is, is that they their torture rate is pretty low so you’ll probably just get an instant bullet to the head.
Stupid, stupid cellphone
Hey now, don’t blame the phone. In fact, call for help with it if you can.
I’ve got no bars and I’m pretty sure that an Articuno is sitting right on the pile of cocaine
Whoa, catch that bastard pronto pal. That’s a rare Pokémon!
But they have guns!
And an Articuno! Just lean gently out and try to not make your Pokéball attempts look like you have an itchy trigger finger.
Waitaminute, I hear guns
Better duck and cover buddy. Probably the Chinese triad taking over again
Oh shit oh shit I’m going to die playing a stupid kids game that I outgrew 15 years ago!
HEY! HEY! Listen, calm down and find your balls! Pokémon is not a kids game!
I…I think it’s just one man doing all this?
Just one guy?
Yeah, and he’s yelling something about his dog and just landing headshots everywhere…
Okay, listen closely, because I know exactly how this is going to end and what you have to do to survive.
Oh crap I’m going to die!
No you are not. Listen, do you have a Growlithe?
Yeah, caught one outside a church yesterday
Okay. Get a picture of it on your phone, and keep it there. Because Keanu Reeves is on a warpath again.
What, you mean the guy from Bill and Ted?
The very same. See, after John Wick went global, Keanu decided to take method-acting a step further for the sequel. A move that has resulted in him systematically wiping out most of the Easter European drug cartels so that he can finally earn an Oscar for best portrayal of a pissed off puppy-loving madman.
He’s going to kill me, isn’t he?
Just get the Growlithe on your phone. And that Articuno if you can. Also accept my friend request already.
Waitaminute, that’s not Keanu Reeves!
Yeah, I kinda fibbed a little. It’s me in a wig. Pokémon Go makes you do strange stuff. You catch that Articuno yet?
Last Updated: July 13, 2016