Oh to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The giant Redwood! The Larch! The small Scotspine! The smell of fresh-cut timber, the crash of tress, with my best girly by my side! We’d sing, sing, sing! I’M A LUMBERJACK AND THAT’S OK!
Yes sir, a lumberjack game is indeed on the way. With the barrel still full of ideas, you can prepare yourself for…a lumberjack simulator. And no, it’s not a solo mode ripped straight from a WWE match that includes a dozen man-mountains beating on one guy as if he were of the wrong sexual orientation in a seedy Russian alleyway filled with bigoted jerkasses.
Professional Lumberjack 2016 is the name of the game, and will be published by Bandai Namco on PS4, Xbox One, PC, PS3 and Wii U this November.
“In Professional Lumberjack 2016 players manage their mighty crew of cutters, create a prosperous sawmill and expand their woodland business in a realistic world ruled by the different seasons,” the press release blurb read, while also adding that: “A great lumberjack knows their Bigtooth Aspen from a Slippery Elm.
To get the job done, players must understand each tree and identify the right tool in order to gain the greatest return on their hard work in the most efficient way possible.
Other features included in the game, which I have just made up, include:
- Sleep all night, work all day action
- Intense buttered scones for tea action on Wednesdays
- Skip and jump QTEs
- Wild-flower pressing mini-games
- Customise your lumberjack with women’s clothing, hang around in bars
- High heels, suspendies and a bra DLC confirmed
- I wish I’d been a girlie just like my dear mama challenge map included
Always remember: Once you go lumberjack, you never go lumberback.
Last Updated: August 26, 2015
Admiral Chief on the mend
August 26, 2015 at 12:42
AWWWWJISSSSSS
VampyreSquirrel
August 26, 2015 at 13:12
You’re not allowed to play, you have a buggered shoulder 😛
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 26, 2015 at 13:15
I heard he only needs one hand to chop wood.
Admiral Chief on the mend
August 26, 2015 at 13:24
No, I have a mrs tending to my needs…
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 26, 2015 at 13:40
Your wife chops the braai wood? That’s why I stick to charcoal these days, easier. 😉
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 26, 2015 at 12:42
Ja. No. Unless…
Admiral Chief on the mend
August 26, 2015 at 12:44
She gives wood the chop?
Hammersteyn
August 26, 2015 at 12:49
Because beavers eat wood O_o
Greylingad[CNFRMD]
August 26, 2015 at 12:59
Like this?
The best line from this was, That beaver eats taco bell….
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 26, 2015 at 12:51
Kinda the opposite. O_o
HairyEwok
August 26, 2015 at 12:55
*Uses plastic axe against a tree* Not very effective *Uses plastic axe against morning wood* Super Effective.
Kromas,powered by windows 10.
August 26, 2015 at 12:45
I would buy this just for that specific Monty Python reference.
Hammersteyn
August 26, 2015 at 12:48
I did not axe for this.
VampyreSquirrel
August 26, 2015 at 12:54
I never saw this coming.
Loftus
August 26, 2015 at 12:57
Everyone is going to get on board with the chopping of this game
Marcus
August 26, 2015 at 12:59
Yeah that wood be a problem.
Loftus
August 26, 2015 at 13:00
Maybe it’s time to branch out and try different type of games O_o
VampyreSquirrel
August 26, 2015 at 13:04
I think I’m going to leaf this conversation before it takes root completely.
HairyEwok
August 26, 2015 at 12:57
Guess it’s time for us all to split.
David Weatherhead
August 26, 2015 at 13:02
So, we need to make like trees and leaf…
Marcus
August 26, 2015 at 13:03
I hope you get cut down for that lame one O.o
HairyEwok
August 26, 2015 at 17:34
Indeed or else you would see somebody barking up at the tree for no reason.
Loftus
August 26, 2015 at 12:53
I don’t get this?! Why would someone buy such a game? and more importantly who finds this entertaining ?
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 26, 2015 at 12:53
I’m guessing Matty would, when he reviews it.
Loftus
August 26, 2015 at 12:55
That’s an evil MoBA filled mind to be reviewing such a thing…
HairyEwok
August 26, 2015 at 12:56
People who can’t grow a big beard and be a woodcutter wearing checkered red shirts?
Marcus
August 26, 2015 at 13:00
Build it and they will come?
That’s the only “why” I can think of…
Brady miaau
August 26, 2015 at 13:32
Garage band from Seattle wannabees?
Greylingad[CNFRMD]
August 26, 2015 at 13:04
I love how the game is titled “Professional Lumberjack”, I suppose the novice version is where the trees fall on top of you?
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 26, 2015 at 13:06
I think they call that a rogue-like with perma-death.
Greylingad[CNFRMD]
August 26, 2015 at 13:08
Oh hell, I’d play that, they could call it Timber dodging….
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 26, 2015 at 13:09
…..NO! No innuendo! BAD & WRONG!
Greylingad[CNFRMD]
August 26, 2015 at 13:10
It beats Log Hunter….
VampyreSquirrel
August 26, 2015 at 13:13
Sounds like it should be based in a sewer…
VampyreSquirrel
August 26, 2015 at 13:08
“username” used axe on tree – it was super effective
Tree used fall on “username” – it was even more effective
Ragnar The Vengeful
August 26, 2015 at 16:36
In Farming Sim 15 you’re just doing it for some extra cash. In this one you leave your farm completely and go pro on Lumber. You might have a small garden to tend as well…. as an amateur farmer.
hairyknees
August 26, 2015 at 15:45
10/10 would play