It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, and like most people who make a living selling outrage bait online, I’m looking to cash in a paycheque of clicks based on the theme of looooove. Here’s the catch: Because everyone and their gran have probably done a “best romances in video games (I’m guilty of this one!)” or some other low hanging fruit listicle based on true love, I’ve decided to go in a different direction.
Tomorrow may see couples from across the world remember why they fell in love, but there’s plenty of us who’ll be shaking our fists at Hallmark and refusing to allow that light into our lives. We’ll be alone, celebrating Valentine’s Day as Odin intended: In our underwear, covered in crumbs of knock-off Lindt chocolate and watching Rambo: First Blood yet again.
Alternatively, one could surf the internet and forget about Cupid by dipping into the hive of scum and villainy that is Reddit. There’s no shortage of topics to explore, discussions to be had and opinions to be cast, but if you have even a sliver of love in your heart then you’d probably be wise to avoid the following Reddit forums…
Because I value your sanity, I’ve decided to replace screenshots from these reddit threads with something far less mentally damaging to your fragile minds: Courage the cowardly dog during one of his many freakouts. Also a lot of this stuff is NSFW or life, so consider yourselves warned.
We’ve all been lonely, and there’s no shame at all at a quick session of tickling the pickle or shaking hands with Dr. Winky. That comes afterwards anyway. What there is, is a small movement of people who seek to avoid auditioning their hand puppet, people whose regular sessions of squirt hockey has become an addiction to the release that comes with a menage a moi habit.
On a day where everyone loves to find some love in their life from a partner, dialling the rotary phone or consulting Dr. Jackoff, maybe a deep dive into the pseudoscience behind having the willpower to not make Beef Strokenoff is advised. Get a grip guys. Yes, just like that.
Make me suffer
This thread has a simple motto: If it hurts to look at it, post it. And for what it’s worth, Brad’s recommendation lives up to the hype. With every single scroll of my mouse, I can feel a little bit more of my soul being chipped away by the collection of images hosted here. A part of me dies the deeper I go down the reddit hole, covering myself in everything from twist ending memes to a reminder why I’ll never ever trust flip flop sandals.
Why are we here in this reddit thread? Just to suffer? Yes dammit, yes.
The general gist of online communication is that you type a message, hit send and then get a response. This being the Internet though, every bit of text ever devised has been reinterpreted with a slap to grammar that has resulted in the most uncomfortable messages ever devised. One such way that Internet lingo has evolved into an ultimately cringey format, is with the use of asterisks to sneak in some text that’ll make you want to spend several days in a shower desperately trying to scrub the filth off of your body with a wire brush.
Think before you hit Enter my dudes *and hope that my failsafe browser history deletion tool activates if I ever suffer an untimely death*.
Lets not meet
It’s nice to have friends, but it’s also absolutely rad to make new ones. Going outside, venturing into unfamiliar social circles (I can hear Geoff screaming right now) and turning an acquaintance into a pal is what gives life a sense of freshness. Then there are those people you never ever want to shake hands with again for fear that you’ll want to amputate your appendage with a hacksaw lest you carry some link to a single awful meet ‘n greet.
Reddit’s Let’s not meet is a prime example of this, stories of encounters with people so horrendously awful that you can’t believe they were allowed outside in the first place. This is the hub for tales of running into drug dealers, almost working for a fella who has a habit of biting children and people literally swapping countries just so that they could feel safe again. Madness.
I like to think that there are genuinely good people out in the world today, modern day Samaritans who strive to make the world a better place. And then there are “nice guys”, Internet slang for those chaps who put on a kind face and turn into rage-monsters the second that they get ignored or suffer rejection like the Hulk getting angry with rain and attempting to punch it into submission.
It obviously gets worse as some nice guys go a step further, jumping into conversations to give their unsolicited advice and bemoaning the fact that their gentlemanly swagger isn’t leading to instant sexual gratification. It’s all Chad’s fault, from what I gathered.
Think of Creepy PMs as the evolved form of the Nicey Guys reddit. It’s uglier, far more dangerous in its intent and no amount of industrial bleach will ever manage to wipe its filth away as you delve deep into a rabbit hole of random messages asking for pictures of women breastfeeding their kids to amber alert PMs that should see a heavily armed armed SWAT team assembled to deal with such threats.
Creepy PMs also uses a fusion technique pulled straight from Dragon Ball Z, regularly augmenting its sinister approach with the power of Creepy Asterisks to achieve a form that goes beyond the norm of Internet horror, creating an unholy abomination of messages that hit you like a ninja 18-wheeler driven by Randy Orton from out of nowhere.
I miss the Darryn from 15 minutes ago before he stumbled onto this thread. Again, THANKS BRAD YOU MONSTER. I’m not saying that Cringe Pics is bad, but I’ve just got back from the doctor with fresh staples on my eyelids after I tore them off my face with pure cringe power. Cringe Pics is often tame in comparison to everything else on this list, but a scroll down it will also occasionally hit you with an atomic bomb of revulsion that you’re not properly prepared for.
That’s the real magic of this thread, one that takes no prisoners as everyone from common decency fans to lovers of the original Teen Titans cartoon are unwilling victims the more they explore this celebration of cringe. Talk about a thread that takes no prisoners.
Last Updated: February 13, 2020
February 13, 2020 at 14:58
The best part of this article is the use of Courage.
Hats off to ya, Mr B.