Home Opinion Friday Debate – Are you a stander or a sitter?

Friday Debate – Are you a stander or a sitter?

2 min read
34
Sit-or-stand

A couple of weeks ago, I was hit with a revelation. I’m blaming Kervyn for this topic entirely, but here’s the gist of it. On Facebook there was a question regarding toilet etiquitte and I’m not even going to dance around this topic with flowery prose and innuendo: Do you wipe your ass standing up or sitting down?

Yes, it is quite possibly the grossest subject matter we’ve ever tackled on a Friday Debate (And it’s not even a slow news day!), regarding personal hygiene and toilet habits. A smelly and foul topic of discussion best reserved for an Adam Sandler movie, but bear with me here. It’s not a question of standers versus sitters here that we’re discussin, but rather that such an option actually exists.

For years, I’ve never thought about it. My preferred method of cleaning my starfish has been the only one I’ve ever thought to use. Not once in my life, have I ever imagined that there was an alternative method for keeping your rusty bottlecap clean. When we discussed this in the Critical Hit office, we were on the verge of civil war thanks to the division that this topic generated.

We wondered how some of us could contort their bodies to wipe the Hershey highway, we were baffled at the physics of spreading your marshmallows for a delivery of TP to your booty flake. It has been an endless topic of discussion here, one that has thoroughly shaken my worldview and left me speechless of just how blind the population is to there being other options on the table.

So what about you? Unless you’re living in the world of Demolition Man where toilet paper has been replaced by three seashells or your’re Japanese and you scoff to the max at our lack of bidets, you have to pick a side. There’s no room for both, the line in the bathroom has been drawn and you have to choose where you stand. Or sit, given the anal exorcism debate we’re about to have.

Are you a sitter, or a stander?

This edition of Critical Hit’s Friday Debate is proudly sponsored by the lowest common denominator.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Critical Hit as an organisation.

Last Updated: May 8, 2020

34 Comments

  1. Caveshen Rajman

    May 8, 2020 at 10:43

    Yes.

    Reply

  2. Umar

    May 8, 2020 at 10:57

    Normal Brain : sitting
    Mega Brain : standing
    GALAXY BRAIN : While laying down in fetal position

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      May 8, 2020 at 11:11

      That’s my retirement plan, or as I call it, someone else’s problem.

      Reply

  3. Kervyn Cloete

    May 8, 2020 at 10:58

    In case anybody was wondering, this was the origin of this whole debate which I stumbled across a week ago: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cf59abe2e18b0e3114f1b1426bf33918031f1ed35359947e32405bb44242ef94.jpg

    Reply

  4. Chris Summers

    May 8, 2020 at 11:21

    • Yozzie

      May 8, 2020 at 11:26

      What in sam hill…

      Reply

      • Chris Summers

        May 8, 2020 at 11:31

        An image as old as the Internet, I never thought there would be a legit discussion where posting this would be appropiate.

        Reply

  5. Original Heretic

    May 8, 2020 at 11:31

    I’ve actually encountered this question in a movie before, many years ago.
    One of those completely forgettable college “comedies”.
    Yet this one part of it had stuck with me.

    To answer…
    I’m a croucher!

    Reply

  6. D@rCF0g

    May 8, 2020 at 14:05

    What about something in between. Not standing upright or fully seated, but something in between where your rear end is still hanging over the toilet bowl!

    The next question: 2 ply or 1 ply!
    The next question: do you pull from the top or the bottom of the roll!
    The next question: do you use public toilets, and if so, do you surround the seat with clean toilet paper and hold your junk (if you are a guy) in place to stop it touching the seat/bowel!

    We can go on!

    Reply

    • The D

      May 8, 2020 at 15:01

      I prefer to use towels.

      Reply

  7. DapperWoef

    May 8, 2020 at 10:51

    Sit down.
    But funny how standing up never applied to my brain.
    I mean in the shower you standing when wash ole Julius

    Reply

  8. SagatatiaRZA

    May 8, 2020 at 10:51

    I have juicy hams boi. Sitting leaves the entire mess undisturbed until I’ve cleaned it. I can’t imagine standing up before wiping the grease off my barbeque. With dummy thicc cheeks like these it would be like slamming an open jar of Nutella into an accordion.

    Reply

  9. Llama In The Rift

    May 8, 2020 at 10:51

    I’m on all fours…?

    Seriously tough, never thought standing was a option…..please dont make me think about it to much….i’m to sober for this topic.

    Reply

  10. MechMachine

    May 8, 2020 at 11:01

    Good god, what is this thing I have stumbled into ? Wouldn’t standing create an unholy mess of unthinkable demonic proportions ? Also, use wet-wipes or have have a shower after, hygiene is king.

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      May 8, 2020 at 11:11

      There’s is nothing wrong with your browser, Do not try to adjust it. You have just entered Darryns mind or as we call it,The Outer Limits

      Reply

      • The D

        May 8, 2020 at 11:26

        I WILL CONTROL ALL THAT YOU BROWSE AND FEAR

        Reply

      • MechMachine

        May 8, 2020 at 13:20

        For some reason, I`m thinking of chocolate, with peanuts. And it’s not in a good way.

        Reply

    • HairyEwok

      May 11, 2020 at 13:40

      Flashback to the 2 rednecks talking in Deadpool 2 when Cable whirrrssss in.

      Reply

  11. Hammersteyn

    May 8, 2020 at 11:06

    I sit, but I hook my legs behind my head for unrestricted access.

    Reply

    • MechMachine

      May 8, 2020 at 13:14

      lol

      Reply

    • MechMachine

      May 8, 2020 at 11:44

    • MechMachine

      May 8, 2020 at 12:10

      I just picture some poor sod standing there with a hosepipe.

      Reply

    • DapperWoef

      May 8, 2020 at 12:01

      I am less flexible.
      So I stick a pair of hoop earrings in my ear and put on my porn star heels and hook those into the earrings.
      Try explaining that when your mom walks in on you ny accident.

      Reply

  12. Yozzie

    May 8, 2020 at 11:11

    What about front wipe (reach through your legs) or back wipe (the one swole people can’t do)?

    Reply

  13. MechMachine

    May 8, 2020 at 11:21

    Browsing Quora, I actually stumble across this question : What happens if you don’t wipe your backside ?

    Reply

    • Pariah

      May 8, 2020 at 13:32

      Trump.

      Reply

  14. D4m@E

    May 8, 2020 at 12:01

    Remain seated, raising one side while leaning to the other. Same procedure as the spiteful fart. Why change a winning formula. XD

    Reply

  15. Guz

    May 8, 2020 at 13:26

    I think it might be related to your body shape ie how tall, fat or what ever you are as well as personal preference. Although saying that I have thought about getting a bidet after visiting Italy a few years ago.
    Lol I though it was a special loo just for peeing in first time I saw one

    Reply

    • Kervyn Cloete

      May 8, 2020 at 15:58

      Honestly, having a handheld nozzle to use is the best. We have them at work (we have a large muslim staff compliment) and I miss it at home.

      Reply

      • BradeLunner

        May 8, 2020 at 18:26

        What work?! I thought this site was your work??!

        Reply

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