The sailors are still staring at the flat seas, nary a wind or even a gale in sight. Okay, enough sea talk. But this gives me a neat if lazy gap to my column last week, so full sails ahead. Last Updated: November 18, 2015

Ancient sailors used to fear the doldrums. It basically came down to no real wind, which meant you were stuck on the ocean without much more than a breeze and flat seas as far as the eye can see. Considering I go mental after an hour on the sunny deck of a ship, it’s a fair assumption that my career …

We have arrived at that point in Jack Black’s career where he can play someone’s forty-something dad. A bit like when Nicolas Cage appeared in Kick-Ass. Cage has been a fictional dad several times before, so maybe it was the Batman-esque owl helmet, but for some reason that moment stuck. Last Updated: November 4, 2015

Go watch Burnt. I don’t know if it’s good, but it is a rare moment where a A-list movie is released in SA before it graces American screens. Rotten Tomatoes is kinda middling about it, but what do critics know anyway? Box office numbers are all we care about in this column, but so far it’s only been released in …

You! You over there! Get out! You are too old! Leave this cinema! Hanging with all those kids is creepy! We’re getting complaints from helicopter parents! Go watch Black Mass or something! Last Updated: October 21, 2015

Ow, ow ow. They should have called it American Dulltra. *badum-pish!* Last Updated: October 15, 2015

Adam Sandler’s career is a little like the Eagles song: he checks out whenever he feels like it, but he never actually leaves. Then once in a while he shows us that while we criticise him, he cries himself to sleep in a giant bed made out of money. Last Updated: October 7, 2015

Mountains are out and mazes are the new thing in a chart that is struggling with any serious blockbuster action. Last Updated: September 30, 2015