Breaking Bad: Sharknado!

7 min read
13

Breaking Bad

Yes, Breaking Bad. No, I am not bald, cancer-ridden, nor operating a meth lab. It is a cunning pun or play on words. Think along the lines of a very poor, amateurish, wannabe imitation of Mystery Science Theater 3000. A means to give scene-by-scene thoughts and impressions of some really bad B-grade schlockfest that no-one else wants to watch but can’t help but find themselves curious about.

I have no idea why I put myself through this, but I think it’s mainly to retain the title of “B-Grade Internet Jesus”, bestowed upon me by a small online community in honour of my efforts to save everyone else from the evils of low-budget cinematic gash.

This is starting out in the most literal sense possible. A school of sharks swimming through the ocean gets sucked into a tornado which looks like it was designed by my 5-year old son in MS Paint.

sharknado1

A business meeting on a fishing trawler has revealed that there are in fact 20,000 sharks in the school, all moving towards said fishing trawler. The captain is going to catch them all. I have no idea how. It’s a really small trawler.

Aaah now I see. The waves actually throwing the sharks on to the boat. And they’re eating the crew.

Incidentally, the guys who were doing the business deal are now shooting each other, the reason for which completely escapes me. The sharks got ‘em though.

Cut to summer beach. Oh hey, this ScyFy, not Asylum or Troma. I didn’t think their standards could slip even further. It also has Tara Reid in it – that’s some fall from grace.

Looks like this is supposed to be a wannabe surf movie. Lots of hot, talentless actors and actresses. It’s worth noting at this point that the quality of acting is actually worse than I expected. I wouldn’t have thought that possible earlier.

So, massive storm heading for the California coast, no doubt carrying the titular sharknado.

Yes, definitely. Buttloads of sharks now heading towards the beach, although water-bound, not air-bound. The scariest thing, in all honesty, is the amount of people getting attacked in ankle deep water that somehow completely hides the sharks.

Leading male co-star has the worst Tasmanian accent in the history of ever and in a wicked, completely unexpected twist, it turns out the lead actress has a shark phobia. Also, Tara Reid is not the best actress in this movie. Terrifying right?

The worst CGI post-prod rendered shark in the history of cinema just literally smashed through the window of the bar they all hang out in and tried to eat someone before being impaled with a pool cue. Meanwhile outside, sharks are flying in from everywhere. Yes, flying.

sharknado4

Storm is over. No sharknado. So disappointing.

The lead actor guy is having a fit of paranoia, so they’re all driving up the road somewhere to save his ex-wife (Tara) and daughter. The roads are flooded, though, and sharks are swimming around bumping into the car. Heh.

The water levels are rising at a literally impossible rate. Sharks are cruising around looking for people to kill. People are suicidal. I mean, they must be. No-one can be that stupid. Right?

Apparently the sharks are going to use sewers and storm drains to take over the world. And only a middle-aged bartender, the hot waitress that he’s obviously tagging and his “Aussie” friend can save us.

They finally made it to the ex-wife’s house. In Beverly Hills nogal. And in yet another cunning plot twist, the new boyfriend is a douche, Tara Reid can’t act and her daughter is about the same age as her.

Ding, dong, the douche is dead.

They’re all trapped inside a shark-infested, flooded house. Well, not the douche anymore, obviously, but the rest are. Beverly Hills is built on a huge hill (duh). Somehow the water reached them in the space of minutes, but has now stopped. Just long enough, as it turns out, for them to make their escape by car. On roads that don’t seem to be flooded.

shaknadooo

Bunch of kids trapped in a school bus with water rising and sharks circling around them! Where do they come up with these crazy ideas? No matter, the bartender just rappelled off a bridge, down to the bus and single handled saved everyone. This guy can do it all. Ten bucks saves the teacher get eaten though.

Damnit, he’s still alive. More disappointment.

Nope, I lied. Dead now. Flying roof to the head.

Right, fresh storm incoming. Still no proper sharknado. Three waterspouts, though, and they’re dumping sharks all over L.A. In fact, there’s one on the roof of their car that just bit through the roof. Luckily the hot waitress has a shotgun with infinite ammo. I guess she IDKFA’d it (excuse the geek reference).

Okay, so everyone holed up for a while in a bottle store, then fade to black and suddenly everyone is driving down the road in a Hummer. With nitrous. Which they use to cunningly ditch the cops who were chasing them for reasons that we, the audience, are not privy to.

Now they’re all at the airport looking for the bartender’s son. This oke has a lot of kids. And a house in Beverly Hills. Not bad for a bartender…

Airplane hangar is getting hammered by a TORnado. Still no sign of the goddamn SHARKnado. I’m starting to get pretty damned disillusioned about this.

Anyway, they’re all going to stand behind and fight. I’m not sure what for exactly. I mean, logic dictates you drive to high ground and let the sharks die. When the water levels go down.

They’re doing SCIENCE! Apparently flying a helicopter into the middle of a storm so you can drop bombs into the middle of the tornados so you can “equalise” them (I shit you not) is a good idea.

IN WHAT WORLD?

Okay, waitress chick just poured her heart out about a shark attack to bartender’s son. If these two hook up, it’s going to make for awkward family reunions.

And their epic plan is a go.

SHARKNADO!!!

sharknado2

At bloody last. Also this is feeling a bit like a Dastardly & Muttley cartoon. Always with the elaborate, unnecessary plans. And somehow managing to fly a helicopter right next to a tornado.

Okay this has just turned into random chaos now. I have no idea what’s going on. The son is trying to “equalise” more of the tornadoes, the others have run off somewhere, although I’m buggered if I know where. They just showed up at an old age home and saved a few old people who couldn’t get out of their pool. Because they’re old.  Okay, and the pool had sharks in it.

Right, one bomb left, one tornado and one bartender. No kidding around this time, he’s gonna drive his (stolen) Hummer off a damn cliff!

Which promptly gets sucked into the tornado, the bomb goes off and the tornado is ”equalised”. Now they’re all trying to dodge falling sharks, apparently the original 20,000 of them. But it’s okay because, and I swear I am not embellishing in any way, bartender dived headlong into a flying shark’s mouth carrying a chainsaw and the proceeded to cut his way out of its stomach. If anyone’s seen Bad Taste and remembers Barry taking over the alien spaceship, yeah, like that, but worse.

sharknado3

So bartender hooks up with Tara again, their son hooks up with the waitress and their daughter… survives I guess. And there endeth the movie thankfully.

Let’s try to break this down to Oscar-level criteria:

Acting: 0/10 (Seriously, that bad)
Cinematography: 3/10 (And that’s generous)
Special Effects: 1/10 (Pretty sure they were done using clip art)
Directing: 4/10 (The guy knew what he wanted to do, just not how to do it)

Overall: 1/10 (Not aggregated, just that kak)

Last Updated: October 15, 2013

Check Also

What happens in Vegas stays in this first teaser trailer for SHARKNADO THE 4TH AWAKENS

I’ve yet to actually see the second and third Sharknado movies in full, although I&#…