Friday Fight Club – Battle of the captains, Engage!

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Last week, we pitted fourth wall breaking rogue cops and bumbling detectives in a fight to the death, with Frank Drebin emerging victorious at the end of of his oblivious encounter over Jack Slater.

This week, we’re going to send fists flying boldly where no haymaker has gone before, in a battle for the ages, as we pit our favourite star captains against one another in a brand new kumite!

Today, we’ve got the dashing rogue from Star Wars, Han Solo, up against the JFK of the spaceways, Captain James T Kirk. We’re ditching the ships, and leaving them stranded on a desert palnet, with enough rage between the two brewing, that it can attract wild Hulks.

Who wins? You decide!

Han Solo

First things first. We all know Han shot first. Whether or not he lands that first laser-blast is irrevelant, as the man clearly has some skills tucked away in his vest.

Sure, we never actually see him fight in the original trilogy, but after years after cheating at card games, blasting through the Kessel run and shifting parsecs, the man must have picked up a few skills from the all scraps that his risky activity has brought on him.

After all, how else do you survive the Empire, and manage to avoid Jabba the Hutt for so long, without some decent skill and a wookie by your side?

 James T Kirk

While some so-called captains got famous for shooting some fly-faced guy at point blank range with blaster, Kirk has preferred a more hands on approach. From kicking aliens in their knee-testicles (kneesticles?) to launching himself at enemies like a WWE superstar, even going so far as turning yourself into a human bowling ball, Kirk does whatever it takes to win the fight.

On top of that ruthless acrobatics, you just know he’s learnt lots of pointy-eared space jiu jitsu from Spock through the years. Like his patented “Kirk Chop”, that has brought down entire star systems, one stiff neck at at time.

And yes, there was that infamously embarrassing fight with the Gorn but the only reason that it’s so ponderously slow, is because Kirk was obviously still busy trying to determine the Gorn’s gender, so that he can decide whether he should kick it or kiss it. Why is that important, you ask? Well, as hordes of multi-limbed, rainbow-hued alien beauties can attest, Kirk has stamina for days. He could keep up an ass-whipping almost indefinitely.

Last Updated: June 1, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Word-slinger at Critical Hit. Inventor of the macho Swiss gym chocolate known as Testoblerone. That's...that's about it really.

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