Several scientific studies costing millions of dollars have all confirmed one inevitable fact: At some point in your life, you’re going to watch a bad movie. And by bad, we mean the kind of film that makes you wish for the sweet release that only death can provide, as you try choking yourself into a popcorn-induced blackout.
As writers with far too much access to that medium, we’ve seen movies that don’t even qualify as guilty pleasures. These are straight up disasters, movies that will give you a haterection. So the best way to admit that we wasted cash on them, is to each admit the worst film that we ever saw. Brace yourselves, things are going to get ugly.
I’ve got a high tolerance for craptonium in my movies. Hell, I practically live for such films, and revel in the cheese of such masterpieces as Leprechaun in Space and The FP. But every camel has his breaking point, and for me that one film was Disaster Movie. If you’re the kind of director who can pull off a good parody, then you’re a genius in my book. In opposite world, such flicks are made by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. This is a movie devoid of laughs, laced with pure anti-comedy particles that fails in every single possible way that it can.
This is a film so bad, so incredibly stupid in the manner in which telegraphs jokes like a Mike Tyson attack on your ears, that words fail it. Anguished grunts of pain and derision can’t even fully capture the magnitude at which this movie failed to even elicit one single chuckle from me, making Disaster Movie the kind of film that makes Meet The Spartans look like Citizen Kane in comparison.
As a broad digester of movies, I have to from time to time warn people that they might not thank me for what they are about to watch. Often after such a film, they might proclaim that it is the worst thing they ever saw. I would jovially disagree – then put this on… the late Weng Weng enjoyed a bit of cult status for the fact that his movies were ridiculous and that he was about the height of a bar fridge.
But this did not stopped the Filipino actor from making films – particularly James Bond style stuff. For Y’ur Height Only is a special kind of bad. It is bad enough to watch with friends – so bad it’s good. That’s for the first ten minutes. Then you realise that the movie might actually never end and you will have to endure a looping soundtrack, the worst action-editing ever and a creepy sensation every time Weng Weng makes a move on one of his ladies. This is such a gem that I had a back-up copy of it.
And best of all – you can literally start the movie anywhere and it is as ridiculous as at any other spot…
What a waste of great potential. The premise of Gamer, controlling real-life people in online-multiplayer games, was so interesting but everything about it fell flat. The acting was nearly non-existent, Gerard Butler could have been replaced with a brick and no one would have noticed. The rest of the cast was forgettable at best or over-the-top caricatures at worst.
The pace and editing of the movie was manic, it jumped around with no flow or coherence. After I originally saw it I joked that the director must have lost his copy of the screenplay and gone looking for it in the cleavage of every female extra on set, because never before have I seen so many gratuitous or unnecessary shots of boobs. It really pandered to the cliché that the target audience for “gamer” is a horny 12-year-old boy. Never mind the plot, I’d forgotten that Gamer even had one until I went to read it on Wikipedia, and it still doesn’t make any sense.
In the end I think what crushed me was just how bitterly disappointed I was with it. I really, really wanted it to have been good. It could have been, the ideas and budget were there, but what was made instead was a steaming pile of pure awfulness.
As big a fan of his work as I am, I have to admit that Jean Claude Van Damme has starred in some ridiculous movies, and none more so than Knock Off, an embarrassment of a film from legendary Hong Kong director Tsui Hark (Once Upon a Time in China, Twin Dragons, Flying Swords of Dragon Gate). I include Hark’s name, just so that the disappointment can be even more obvious. Boasting one of the most absurd plots ever (JCVD is a kung-fu fighting knock off jeans salesman who discovers a conspiracy by ex-KBG agents to hide micro-bombs in jeans buttons so that they can blackmail the world’s biggest governments), this movie has it all: Ridiculous script, worse acting than you’d normally find on an infomercial for mops, action choreography seemingly dreamt up by a Hark who was just tripping his balls off behind the camera, and, of course, Rob Schneider. Because clearly, there wasn’t enough badness to laugh at already, we had to have some more “comic relief”.
There are many bad movies out there, movies that boast smaller budgets than my lunch, and these I can readily forgive and accept for what they are. Knock Off had a decent director, starred one of the biggest action stars at the time, and had a respectable budget of $35 million. It managed to make back a third of that, which in my opinion is one third too much.
When Ryan Reynolds was cast as Hal Jordan, we were all overjoyed. A much-liked actor taking the reigns on what promised to be the start of DC’s rival campaign to Marvel’s explosive cinematic universe seemed like a great casting choice, and with Martin “Casino Royale” Campbell in the director’s chair it seemed like DC have a solid plan forward … and fans were excited. It even had the budget to put its money where its mouth was… so where did it all go wrong? Hard to say, really.
As Hal Jordan, Reynolds tried his best to made to with a clearly weak and cheese-ridden script and Blake Lively was as wooden as the expression of cinema-goers who actually paid money to see this festering cesspool of a film. Martin Campbell was clearly out of his depth trying to bring the the Lantern Corps and the interstellar DC universe to life and it all too much for fans to bear. Not even Mark Strong and Peter Sarsgaard could save a film that made it very clear that, despite DC’s best efforts, the people that are driving the DC franchise (Warner Bros, I’m looking at you) has a deep-seated misunderstanding of the comic book universe it is trying to bring to life.
Green Lantern might not be the worst movie in the world, but it is a mess of a film that should feel ashamed of the fact that it is clearly just trying to milk its audiences for cash without delivering a satisfactory film and that makes it one of my least favourite movies, ever. For shame.
There are many things wrong with the movie industry at the moment, from the same ol’ garbage repackaged as something new to the high budget, low story monstrosities of films like Battlefield Earth, but one thing that has really got me is the spin-offs of movies such as SAW. In this particular case I refer to The Collector.
This 2009 steaming pile of entrails takes what SAW started, and turns it into gore porn of a new level. Director Marcus Dunstan must have been tripping when he and three other writers I can’t be bothered to name came up with this convoluted, Swiss-Cheese-holed story. What makes it worse is I got this movie thinking it was a version of John Fowler’s The Collector! I have never seen such blatant enjoyment of humans being sliced, diced and crushed from a director that isn’t Rob Zombie or Sam Raimi.
“The story” is set in a manor house and sees a group of stereotypically arranged criminals carrying out a heist for some dying guy and, oh I can’t remember. Just insert rabid dogs, a guy that can take more punishment than Rocky wearing a leather mask, people getting crushed slowly,folks being crushed AND pierced slowly in boxes/cages and you have it. I love B-Grade movies, but when you are aiming for that and hitting Chinese characters you know you have failed.
There are rumours this was supposed to be a prequel to The Saw but after numerous rewrites and obviously not being able to afford actors from the returns section it turned into this swill. Avoid this like that dodgy uncle at Christmas. 0/10.
What’s your worst movie ever? Sound off in the comments below!
Last Updated: February 25, 2014