Let's take a closer look at that trailer for STAR WARS EPISODE VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS

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As per usual, a JJ Abrams trailer for a movie was filled with more questions than answers. But never underestimate a Star Wars fan. We’ve taken the biggest hair comb we could find to search for answers in the sands of the Tattooine desert. Here’s what we’ve found so far.

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Tattooine! And minus any unnecessary stormtroopers on Dewbacks! Right off the bat, the trailer kicks off with an ominous voicing stating that “There’s been an awakening… Have you felt it?” And no, it isn’t Benedict Cumbermatch but instead the rather equally gravelly pipes of Andy Serkis on the other end.

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And here’s our first look at John Boyega in full Stormtrooper gear, who clearly needs to hydrate some more. Is he a member of the imperial elite soldiers? I would certainly hope so, because those Jango Fett clones must be getting a bit too old for this sh*t by now. Also, look at his armour. It’s real, dirty and damaged costume. Not a CGI clone. I’m too happy at this point.

Plus that is clearly an Imperial probe droind I’m hearing in the background. Yes, the Empire is indeed back. With a vengeance!

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Guess what all the kids are going to want for Christmas next year? It’s a cute design, and according to early rumours, it belongs to Daisy Ridley’s character. And its just so goshdarn cute. I’ll take ten!

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Holy crap, I love the new Stormtrooper design. Those helmets look magnificent, and tweaked just enough to feel both new and familiar. Plus uh, that one guy looks a little bit short to be a Stormtrooper, if you get my reference. Could that be Boyega, who is rumoured to be a lead character in the new film?

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Time for an upgrade. And a spiffy new paint job, which the E-11 blaster never had. We’re seeing a lot of Stormtrooper action so far, and with good reason. Think about it, by the time Return of The Jedi arrived on screen, the Empire was at the height of its power. Even with the loss of Darth Vader, the Emperor and the second Death Star, there was still an entire galaxy filled with Stormtrooper armies, ships and resources.

Which meant that the fight for the Rebel Alliance was just beginning. Even 30 years later, this could be one civil war with no end in sight.

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“Gee, I hope we won’t be parachuting past Godzilla”.

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Hey, it’s our other film lead, Daisy Ridley! Take a look at her goggles. Those are actually re-purposed Stormtrooper lenses. She’ll be playing a character that is rumoured to be known as Kira in the film. Which is also the name of my newly-born niece. Man, my sister is going to flip her anti-nerd lid if this pans out to be true.

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Even though the film is rumoured to have two desert planets, this still looks like Tattooine to me. And look at that ride! It’s been spotted before in leaked concept art, and it looks like the Harley Davidson of speeder bikes. Me likey.

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Say hello to Oscar Isaac, who is busy piloting one of the new X-Wings belonging to the Rebel Alliance according to all those symbols emblazoned on his gear. Bonus points: The text on his jacket is upside-down Aurebesh which translates to “PULL TO INFLATE”.

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Bugger the robot above, if I don’t get an upgraded X-Wing with sweet-ass new S-Foil attack mode in my Christmas stocking, there will be blood.

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And now the man of the hour. While our mysterious narrator mentions that there has been an awakening in the “The Dark Side, and the Light,” a secret figure stumbles through one of the rumoured ice worlds, before igniting his lightsaber. There’s been a lot of debate about it, but I like this design. The cross-guard makes perfect sense actually, and gives the blade a more traditional appearance befitting a true knight, even if he possibly is a Sith.

But what strikes me the most is that this blade has a ragtag appearance. The beam sputters and remains unstable, the ignition sounds sloppy and unfocused. Could this be our Sith apprentice wandering around? I’ve remained as far away as possible from spoilers for this character and the film in general, so I’ll just leave this link here if you want to read more about the new phantom menace.

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DA DAA DA DA DUN DUN DAD ADADADAADADADADAAAAADDAADA!

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It honestly doesn’t matter if the film turns out to be crap or great. Nothing beats hearing that magnificent John Williams score blare out. Whether your 4 years old or 40, that iconic theme can stir a powerful feeling in your nether regions, and seeing the Millennium Falcon dogfight over Tattooine with TIE Fighters is the once in a lifetime moment that makes me happy to be a Star Wars fan.

It’s 1999/2002/2005 for me all over again, getting hyped and pumped up for a brand new trilogy of Star Wars. ALSO IT’S THE GODDAMN MILLENNIUM FALCON!

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And hey, it’s the official logo and title for Episode VII! Hooray!

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WHY YOU HATE US SO MUCH JAR JAR ABRAMS!?

Last Updated: December 1, 2014

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