Top Gear’s roster of hosts might change, there may be a new fastest car around the track on any given day of the week and the show may change with the times, but there’ll always be one constant: The Stig. Some say that his nipples are shaped like the Nurburgring and that his sweat can clean precious metals, but all we know is that Top Gear’s resident racing driver is Top Gear at its best: Focused, able to throw a million Rand’s worth of car around a corner with reckless abandon and able to say a thousand words without ever opening his mouth.
If he has one that is.
Recently at the Festival of Motoring, Alessandro got to live the dream. A beautiful day, a super Alfa Romeo Giulia and a chance to ride shotgun with the Stig for a few laps around Kyalami. Was it exhilarating? A massive thanks to BBC South Africa for putting a huge smile on Alessandro’s face. Although don’t just take our word for it, see for yourself below:
After Al was done changing his pants, he even managed to get some time with the Stig, throwing a few questions in his general direction. Here’s how that went:
So how are you finding South Africa so far?
Dead silence fills the air, the Stig’s gaze locked firmly upon a nearby car instead.
Uh okay. For the Kyalami track, did you need to do any specialised tuning for the car you used?
How many seconds in eternity? Because that’s exactly what this interview feels like as the Stig continues to stare at me.
Did you have any advice for Andrew Flintoff and Paddy McGuinness when they joined the latest season of Top Gear?
Finally, a response! Only we’re pretty certain that the sound of various gears and servos locking into place should not come from a humanoid organism.
Who do you think is the best father in Dragon Ball Z and why do you think it’s Gohan’s dad Piccolo?
I’m seeing the Stig’s eyes light up for Instant-Kill mode beneath the helmet, signalling that he’s clearly a Bleach and Fairy Tail fan.
Jeez, tough audience. What’s the best car that you’ve driven so far this year?
The Stig has now turned his head, clearly distracted by a group of pigeons which are perched on the track and are infinitely more interesting than our terrible questions for him.
If he were real, would you attack Ryu from Street Fighter for beating up a defenceless car in Street Fighter 2?
The Stig is now paging through a magazine of Huisegenoot. I don’t dare tell him that he’s reading it upside down.
Okay, great chat. Last question: Do you think the BBC’s new historical drama series Gentleman Jack could be improved with the addition of a Bugatti La Voiture Noire?
Our interview is over. The Stig has wandered off to a nearby food truck, curious as to what “biltong” is and how much horsepower each stick of beef possesses.
Top Gear returns from Thursday 29 August 2019 at 8PM on BBC Brit (DStv channel 120).
Last Updated: August 26, 2019
Admiral Chief Umbra
August 26, 2019 at 14:20
Hahahahaha
Admiral Chief Umbra
August 26, 2019 at 14:28
200g of biltong = 3.5HP
Admiral Chief Umbra
August 26, 2019 at 14:28
I’ve always wanted to own an Alfa Romeo. Even if just for a month before it breaks
G8crasha
August 26, 2019 at 14:35
I wonder if he has airconditioning in that suit! I mean he is covered from top to toe and racing driver kit!
Dr Webster Flexington
August 26, 2019 at 15:03
I guess when he unzips, there has to be a pungent wiff that rolls out of his coveralls.
BradeLunner
August 26, 2019 at 14:35
Wait wait, so Alessandro got to ride around in a sexy Alfa, with the Stig, and Darryn you get to write the article? Seems fair!
Admiral Chief Umbra
August 26, 2019 at 14:43
Opportunity wasted. Stig and Bat-boy could have done a duo
BradeLunner
August 26, 2019 at 14:43
For sure Darryn would be more entertaining than Flintoff and Paddy, I imagine some great back and forth between him and Chris Harris
The D
August 26, 2019 at 14:43
“Chris, before we begin on our epic road trip across Australia using cheap hatchbacks, I just have one question:
What’s a gear stick?”
BradeLunner
August 26, 2019 at 14:52
“Firstly, Mr D, we call them knobs”
The D
August 26, 2019 at 14:52
“That’s what my mother affectionally refers to me as when she’s not busy throwing vodka bottles at my face.”
Admiral Chief Umbra
August 26, 2019 at 14:53
Martha throwing vodka bottles, oh my
The D
August 26, 2019 at 15:29
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/591e3ac167afe522d09894106f3d2c08db91f02c73e0dfe2c7cf13e9baf23c6b.jpg
BradeLunner
August 26, 2019 at 15:03
I’m pretty sure that would crack the stig up!
The D
August 26, 2019 at 14:43
Some say that we both go mental whenever we hear the name Martha, and that nobody has let us forget about our rubber nipples since 1995…
Yahtzee
August 26, 2019 at 14:52
If you scroll down fast it looks like someone trying to find the best selfie with one pose before heading out for a cold one with the boys.
Yahtzee
August 26, 2019 at 14:52
If you scroll down fast it looks like someone trying to find the best selfie with one pose before heading out for a cold one with the boys.
Dr Webster Flexington
August 26, 2019 at 15:03
Wait, I want to write a strongly worded letter to the management of CriticalHit, Darryn got shafted here!!! The Big D should have been in that car with the Stig.
Admiral Chief Umbra
August 26, 2019 at 15:03
There was a height limit: “You must be this tall to ride”
The D
August 26, 2019 at 15:29
There’s no height limit for crying.
Admiral Chief Umbra
August 26, 2019 at 15:37
There is no distance to trolling
Dr Webster Flexington
August 26, 2019 at 15:12
Oh Snap!!! 😮 At least now we know the Stig is at least 6 foot?
The D
August 26, 2019 at 15:29
I wish! But as a consolation prize, I got an interview with Chris, Freddie and Paddy.
Dr Webster Flexington
August 26, 2019 at 15:37
Oh SNAP!!!
Geoffrey Tim
August 26, 2019 at 15:29
It was purely a proximity thing. Event was in JHB, Darryn wasn’t – and they wouldn’t fly him up.
HairyEwok
August 28, 2019 at 09:59
How sure are you that the white helmet speed demon standing next to you is indeed the Stig, and not… ohhh I dono, Tom Cruise?