At the time of writing this post, Death Stranding is about to be unleashed on the world. If you’ve been following the gaming industry for any length of time you’ve probably heard of it: A Hideo Kojima-led game that stars you as the world’s worst courier having to get around a land that has been thoroughly twatted by the unliving very dead.
It has hype, it has mystery and it has many famous faces lurking inside of it like some sort of morbid take on Hollywood squares. Being that this is a new game that is being marketed to hell and back, the reptile portion of your brain that releases dopamine whenever its subjected to bright lights and video game developers talking nonsense is probably flaring up right now.
I’m here to tell you that if you are thinking about purchasing Death Stranding…Then you’re an idiot. You’re once again falling for one of the oldest tricks in video game as Sony seeks to make a quick sixty bucks off of your gullible ass. The real kicker here? There exists a far superior video game that you can have right now, by the name of Metal Gear Survive. It’s essentially the best of Hideo Kojima without Hideo Kojima, the second-best Metal Gear game of all time and better in every single way.
So before you go full keyboard warrior in the comments section below, allow me to do you a public service and reveal six reasons why Metal Gear Survive is the better game.
You take a gander at Death Stranding’s scores right now and they’re more divided than an American festival for gun-loving liberals seeking to open their borders up. There’s this absolutely horrid diversity of opinion between so-called professionals, each one hemming and hawing between Death Stranding being pure Kojima wankery turned up to 11 or Death Stranding being the greatest thing in human history since some neanderthal started burning his bread on an open fire.
Metal Gear Survive on the other hand, is almost universally loathed and feared by anyone who played it. There’s an overwhelmingly negative reception to the game by journalists, which according to science means that it’s the greatest game of all time. It’s like the Star Citizen of video games except that its actually complete and your money won’t be pissed away on feature creep technologies by a collection of madmen distracted by shiny new software.
And I think we all know that games journalists cannot be trusted, thus leading to a mathematical equation that anything that is bad is automatically good and vice versa. Hell, I should know, as I just used my money from Activision to purchase a yacht, which I’ve christened the SS 8.5/10 Literally Unplayable.
If you need more science on your side, how’s this for a head-scratcher: The more celebrities you have in a video game, the worse it becomes. John Woo’s Stranglehold? Not even Chow-Yun Fat’s chubby acrobatics could save that game from disaster. Brutal Legend? Come back to me when they make an action video game with real musicians, like that Friday girl and Justin Bieber. And to once again flog a dead horse, Star Citizen’s single-player campaign has so many famous faces inside of it that you’d swear that you were at a comic book convention, surrounded by sweaty nerds and past-their prime actors desperate to charge you cash for their scrawl on a photo.
Death Stranding is crawling with celebrities as well, from a man who should be spending more time getting Boondock Saints 3 made to some Spanish director who admittedly directed the greatest movie of all time, Pacific Rim. Metal Gear Survive on the other hand, is completely devoid of such talent. It’s a game that employs the typical layer of Japanese overacting and then points a gun at a who’s available cast of voice actors to get the job done or die trying, which of course meant that the rest of the budget was poured into making a good game. Science, bitches.
Cheap as chips
No matter where you go, Death Stranding is going to be a pricy bit of PlayStation first-party tosh. At a staggering $60 or a thousand Randelas, that’s a bitter pill to swallow for what’s essentially Hideo Kojima Waxes Lyrical: The Movie. On top of that you’ve got the usual bundle deal that wants you to pay more for a bunch of added guff, further driving you into debt and making your parents wonder where they went so wrong in the first place. If only they’d bought you stock in Pepsi Cola instead of an Xbox console, they might have a child that they could be proud of.
Metal Gear Survive though? You can grab that for a song and a dance these days. Steam has it up for grabs for less than half the price of Kojima’s walking simulator, whereas Xbox and PC players can grab the game for free on an Xbox Game Pass deal. Which in itself, is a stupidly good bargain when compared to waiting three years for Death Stranding to be a PlayStation 5 freebie on PS Plus. On a quick sidenote, check out my new yacht I just bought after a generous donation from a service that rhymes with Sexbox Shame Grass:
No Geoff Keighley
True story: If you stand in front of a mirror and say “Hideo Kojima” three times, Geoff Keighley will appear to tell you that he knows the guy. No matter where Kojima has been, Keighley has been there like some sort of Candyman only he’s more annoying than actually scary with his constant reminder that he knows Kojima. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kojima has to install cameras in his room so that he can be alerted every time Keighley tries to surgically attach himself to the fella’s side like some sort of conjoined fecal twin.
But what does Keighley have to say about Metal Gear Survive? Absolutely zilch. Nothing. Nada. Because Metal Gear Survive butchers the remains of Metal Gear Solid V and gets away with suckering people out of their cash because the two game titles have more rhyming skill than Pitbull, Keighley has mercifully been absent from spreading his PR wankery. Just as god intended.
Look if I wanted to deal with babies, I’d play some Call of Duty ground assault and leave the teamspeak on. We’re all well aware that children are the future, which is why we have to stop them now. Metal Gear Survive may task you with doing a lot of things to…survive, but cradling your Dualshock controller as if it were a helpless infant and rocking it to sleep every time it goes off isn’t one of them.
Death Stranding might as well take place on an airplane for all the screaming foetus action it throws at you, something that Metal Gear Survive mercifully had the good sense to avoid.
Last Updated: November 7, 2019