People are jerks. Well, some of them are, anyway. Ok, fine…most of them are. Not the lot of you reading this, obviously. You’re all wonderful. While those of us entrenched in this hobby we love so much are general happy to make recommendations of games we love to our friends, family and acquaintances we don’t wish to see swallowed up by the earth, have you ever considered what games – or bits of games – you wish you could force upon your enemies?
Of course, this could easily be a list of the worst games ever made, but it needs to be a little more interesting than that. The sort of games you’d force the people you don’t like to play would have to border on being genuinely torturous.
Because I’m a complete and utter bastard, I would strap my own enemies down and have them play nothing but modern Sonic the Hedgehog games for the rest of their lives – which I don’t imagine would be long as they’d do their best to swallow their own tongues. Failing that, I’d make them play Duck Hunt, but unplug the guns so they’d have little more but that sniggering dog laughing at them for eternity. Beyond: Two Souls for ever?
Darryn would have his enemies play nothing but the chase sequences for Assassin’s Creed III, repeatedly play any of Peter Molyneux’s games or have them stuck with Paula Deen – but I think that’s a step too far.
Bring out your inner psychopath, and tell us what games or moments from games you’d have your enemies play for eternity.
Last Updated: March 20, 2015
Jaded_Reprobate
March 20, 2015 at 10:31
Evolve?
SargonTheBatpandaOfAkkad
March 20, 2015 at 11:55
Too Soon!™
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:31
Proteus
40 Insane Frogs
March 20, 2015 at 12:19
Proteus – the game that eventually leaves you wondering if you were conned into buying something that a) resembles a game, b) could be a game, c) could be a first year art project or d) all of the above.
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 12:30
I got it as part of a bundle :/
40 Insane Frogs
March 20, 2015 at 12:36
You have my utmost sympathies. It’s one of those titles that believes that it’s being “profound and deep”, and yet it’s like a hobo king with no pants on.
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 12:39
Steam says I played 5 minutes….I felt like 5 hours
40 Insane Frogs
March 20, 2015 at 12:47
Did you also slam your face into your desk? I did… #ShakesFistAtProteus
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:31
Red Faction 2
KingKappie
March 20, 2015 at 10:34
COD?
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 20, 2015 at 10:34
I think it’d be hysterical to give Darryn the pirated Batman game that was bugged so you couldn’t make the jump. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself trying again & again.
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:36
So, Darryn is your worst enema I mean enemy?
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 20, 2015 at 10:41
HE IS MY ARCH-NEMESIS!
No, the Batman thing was the only one that sprang to mind & he “likes” Batman so it was an obvious choice because it would be funny. Otherwise I’m actually quite nice & wouldn’t wish a shitty experience on my gaming brothers, sisters & others.
The D
March 20, 2015 at 10:42
I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL BRO!
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 20, 2015 at 10:43
Tali. #neverforget *run*
Matthew Holliday
March 20, 2015 at 10:50
pirated batman arkham asylum, the one that was intentionally leaked by the devs, where you get to the scarecrow fight and the one hook point was removed, so you cant progress any further.
Matthew Holliday
March 20, 2015 at 10:50
intentionally bugged, the devs released it on purpose with a hook point removed, clever bastards.
Derrich Schleich
March 20, 2015 at 14:09
The same was done to Mirror’s edge – slowing you down so much that you barely got over the ledge lol
Mossel
March 20, 2015 at 10:34
Any multiplayer fps game with lag.
EDIT: and everyone else has perfect lan speeds.
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 11:07
That sounds like my Friday night… That is a recipe for murder though.
Mossel
March 20, 2015 at 11:08
That sounds like my every night. My latency is so pathetic at home, I can’t deal any more.
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 11:09
I hear you man. Empty 4 clips into a dudes back and he turns around and bitch slaps you like nothing happened… EVERY time…
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 11:10
That’s what he said? O_o
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 11:11
Hahahaha. Touche
Mossel
March 20, 2015 at 11:12
hahaha!! well played.
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 11:13
Just so you know. I do always use a silencer…
Mossel
March 20, 2015 at 11:14
The struggle is real. Every night I log in with hopes and dreams of a seamless experience only to be disappointed. I cant play more than two matches before rage quitting! Then you watch the reply on the guy literally sees you way before you see him! But on your screen you saw him first!
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 11:15
Tis a struggle indeed. I can’t actually remember what a lagless session feels like…
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:37
DotA 2 with 9 very toxic noobs
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 10:56
So just dota 2 then?
SargonTheBatpandaOfAkkad
March 20, 2015 at 11:52
If you’re playing with me, then yes. But if @bront_miles:disqus is playing, then it’d only be 8 very toxic noobs. 😉
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 12:00
You know that admitting to being noob is the first step to recovery? I’m so proud of you Sargon!
SargonTheBatpandaOfAkkad
March 20, 2015 at 12:07
Let me rephrase.
PARIAH NOOB FEEDER. GG UNINSTALL!
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 12:07
“Toxic noobs” sounds about right when I read that comment. gg.
Scruff304
March 20, 2015 at 12:53
You called?
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 12:55
Haha
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:37
CoD MP with only pre-pubescent boys and mics on all the time
HvR
March 20, 2015 at 11:36
so just COD
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:36
XD
SlagywaG
March 20, 2015 at 10:38
Anything on a mac 😛
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:38
Oh snap!
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:38
Any game on Windows ME/Vista with broken CTRL+ALT+DEL keys on keyboard
Hammersteyn
March 20, 2015 at 10:38
Dungeon Keeper on tablet. And he has too wait, no MT allowed
SlagywaG
March 20, 2015 at 10:39
too far…
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:39
Ah, good one, but WHO deserves THAT punishment?
Hammersteyn
March 20, 2015 at 10:43
I have a list…
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:39
The kim karkakkian game
Axon1988
March 20, 2015 at 13:30
Kim KarKraken?
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 13:36
Nah, Kraken’s are actually cool
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:40
I’d give Hammersteyn a game where the upvotes don’t work…
(and NO, he is NOT my worst enemy!)
@hammersteyn:disqus
Hammersteyn
March 20, 2015 at 10:41
But I have so much to give.
http://img.pandawhale.com/69620-family-Guy-tooth-fairy-upvote-EYyG.gif
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 10:49
You have less hair though
Hammersteyn
March 20, 2015 at 11:02
But I can fly!
Nahuel Graziani
March 20, 2015 at 10:44
The Stomping Land.
Sageville
March 20, 2015 at 10:44
No one got Kardashian game love?
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 10:45
Brink… Worst game ever
ReaperOfSquirrels
March 20, 2015 at 10:46
Sacred… with no knowledge on how to fix the missing water skin.
Umar
March 20, 2015 at 10:49
I’d force them to clock every single one of those buried E.T games.
Ghost In The Rift
March 20, 2015 at 10:51
My enemy will suffer this game FOREVER!!
Darren Peach
March 20, 2015 at 14:59
I watched this video….All I can say is WTF ?
Ghost In The Rift
March 20, 2015 at 15:22
Lol yeah, all i want to know is how the hell did that get on steam?!?!
Darren Peach
March 20, 2015 at 15:27
Apparently it was a deliberate attempt to show that steam does not care about the quality of the games it provides. It was intentionally bad.
Mark Treloar
March 20, 2015 at 10:52
E.T
DJSkippy
March 20, 2015 at 11:46
Was checking to see if someone mentioned this, lol
Matthew Holliday
March 20, 2015 at 10:53
metal gear solid one
final fantasy one
resident evil one
kotor one
really classic games that are so old, modern gamers cant deal with the graphics.
games that I missed, wish i could play, but just cant deal.
Umar
March 20, 2015 at 10:54
Social Commentary on the state of modern gaming and gamers…DEEP, bro 😀
ReaperOfSquirrels
March 20, 2015 at 10:54
CoD MP with a reload speed of 15 seconds on any gun, and melee doesn’t work.
Ir0nseraph
March 20, 2015 at 10:55
I will do it a bit differently , make my enemy play Half life 1 and 2 , and then just like the rest of the world he will never know how it ends.
Geoffrey Tim
March 20, 2015 at 10:56
You evil bastard.
Brady miaau
March 20, 2015 at 11:05
but, but. That is me then?
Never played them….. FPS
Mossel
March 20, 2015 at 11:17
Everyone on lagz forced that on me! Thus…everyone hates me! O_O
Ir0nseraph
March 20, 2015 at 11:26
LoL what did you do to them to deserve such punishment 😛
Derrich Schleich
March 20, 2015 at 10:55
neverending level of lode runner
http://entropymine.com/jason/lr/screenshots/nes.gif
WitWolfy
March 20, 2015 at 11:04
Wow! Nostalgia overload.
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 11:04
*overlode
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 10:56
Rock simulator.
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 20, 2015 at 10:57
Could always make a console gamer play Dark Souls on the PC with kb&m & without any mods or fixes.
HOW YOU LIKE THEM PORTS, BRO!
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 20, 2015 at 10:58
I heard Rince makes his worst enemies play online with OVG.
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 10:58
Or what about the Euro Truck simulator, and they have to complete a tour of Europe. Of course in real time. Twice.
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 10:59
Diablo 3 on a 56k modem. 😀
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:36
Evil, evil man
WitWolfy
March 20, 2015 at 11:03
Ninja Gaiden 2
Brady miaau
March 20, 2015 at 11:04
If very OCD, any sort open world game that relies on collectibles to “flesh” out the plot, done in a very obvious way
Brady miaau
March 20, 2015 at 11:05
Star Control 2 AND THEN
Star Control 3 immediately after
Lardus-Resident Perve
March 20, 2015 at 11:08
Diablo 3 – at launch.
silverscorpio
March 20, 2015 at 11:10
Pre-patch Assassins Creed Unity
Loftus
March 20, 2015 at 11:10
This “game”
hairyknees
March 20, 2015 at 11:19
Been there done that got the t shirt. *sobs*
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 20, 2015 at 11:21
Yes but you play DOTA anyway.
Loftus
March 20, 2015 at 11:38
@hairyknees:disqus how are you coping ? counselling going well ? stay strong buddy and keep going to meetings!
RinceThis
March 20, 2015 at 11:14
Aliens: Colonial Marines. I nominate Trevor.
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:16
I will force my worst enemy to play The Witcher 3, without a toilet break, 100 hours you say… If my worst enemy doesn’t become my friend after playing The Witcher 3, I will kill him.
Brady miaau
March 20, 2015 at 11:27
What about Tekken 3, Survival Mode? Record is like 16 hours or something. And you cannot pause or anything. I read how the peoples make record attempts, bottles handy, number 2 stop pills taken, sammiches on hand, a friend to help with moving stuff around. and support. Heavy
SargonTheBatpandaOfAkkad
March 20, 2015 at 11:53
This is probably going to be one of the worst games of 2015. So I agree. 😉
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:55
http://m.cdn.blog.hu/sm/smokingbarrels/image/lebowski1.jpg
SargonTheBatpandaOfAkkad
March 20, 2015 at 11:56
No need to be like that! I was agreeing with you!
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:58
http://media.giphy.com/media/TzyQtxScgR5p6/giphy.gif
Ronin Gamer
March 20, 2015 at 18:22
You said it, man. Nobody effs with the Jesus.
Captain JJ the damned
March 20, 2015 at 11:18
Darkspore.
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:18
I still got my copy of Gears of War. Should I send it to Cliffy B. A dish best served second-hand.
Don’t Support DRM.
Spaffy
March 20, 2015 at 11:18
Alien: Colonial Marines
Johann
March 20, 2015 at 11:24
I will let them play KKND over and over and over again.
Nick
March 20, 2015 at 11:50
KKND was amazing though!! Was my first real taste of RTS multiplayer. Giant missile shooting crabs… whats not to love…
Johann
March 20, 2015 at 13:01
Amazing in Multiplayer, but the Singleplayer campaign was one of the hardest RTS games I have ever played.
HvR
March 20, 2015 at 11:31
Diablo on Apple only equipped with that stupid touchpad.
Mossel
March 20, 2015 at 11:32
Wow dude, no need to go overboard.
HvR
March 20, 2015 at 11:39
Death by carpal tunnel and frustration Muahahahahaha
http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/1/13641/1897459-murray_the_demonic_skull_by_drpockets.gif
Sorry I had a bad week.
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:31
Give your worse enemy all your second-hand retail PC games. It means he can’t play any of them. #DRM.
Don’t Support DRM.
Dutch Matrix
March 20, 2015 at 11:36
On release day, I’d kidnap and strap Ryanza into a chair, bolted to the ground. Just out of reach would be the most awesome PC money can buy. Running on it? The Witcher 3… Edit: It would also be a Steam copy of the game! 🙂
Loftus
March 20, 2015 at 11:42
Bwahahaha i like this one!
Captain JJ the damned
March 20, 2015 at 11:44
With Steam, Origin and Uplay running downloads in the back to fortify their DRM?
Pure evil.
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:48
Yes. Having Steam, Origin and Uplay running would be pure evil…
http://www.hodderscape.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/incredible-hulk.gif
Captain JJ the damned
March 20, 2015 at 11:50
Haha. Excellent. Yes, I could never do that to someone.
If you want to torture me, just put all my games on Uplay and I’ll probably commit suicide.
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 11:44
After the developers decided they absolutely had to add DRM of course.
Kensei Seraph
March 20, 2015 at 11:45
That’s pure evil and I don’t think anyone, especially Ryanza, deserves that.
Also the volume should be set just high enough to be audible but not high enough so that he can hear what is being said.
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:45
Ah let’s see. If you had the most awesome PC (2 x R9295X2) and you had the Witcher 3 running on it and I was bolted to the ground, I doubt the game would keep you away from playing it. So i would be pleased just to watch some1 playing the game. If you turn me away from the screen when you play it, I would be pleased just knowing some1 is playing the game, but then I guess I would be working more on your nerves asking what happened, what is happening, use that skill, do that.
If you mouth gag me, then I’ll just make a noise every time you fucked up in the game. So i might be more of a pain to you.
Plus it all sounds kinky. Can I be bolted down naked.
Dutch Matrix
March 20, 2015 at 11:46
I care naught for the Witcher…
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 12:03
Well thank you for mentioning the Witcher at least.
Dutch Matrix
March 20, 2015 at 12:04
I honestly hope for your sake that game doesn’t blow chunks my friend! 🙂
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 12:06
Chunks is your friend? O_O What an odd name.
Dutch Matrix
March 20, 2015 at 12:07
I… I should have seen that one cumming sorry coming. Well done sir!
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 12:09
At least I didn’t go the gutter route in response. 😉
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:48
…it puts the lotion on the skin…….
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:50
Only during Triss and Yennefer scenes.
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:52
Dat Triss….!!!!
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 11:46
Just make him play the Steam version. 😀
Matthew Holliday
March 20, 2015 at 11:48
reverse crack it so it only runs with DRM.
preferably oobi.
totally worth the effort.
Dutch Matrix
March 20, 2015 at 11:50
Ooooohhhh Even worse! I’ll get the voice over artist that does Geralt to record a soundbyte: “I am Geralt of Rivia and I support DRM!” That will play over and over and over and over!
Matthew Holliday
March 20, 2015 at 11:51
headphones, not speakers, on full volume, project them directly into his brain.
Ryanza
March 20, 2015 at 11:52
Kensei Seraph
March 20, 2015 at 11:45
I’d have them play Thomas Was Alone and then once they had finished it I’d make them play [insert any terrible game here] so that it seems even worse after having undertaken the epic journey with Thomas.
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:47
XD
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 20, 2015 at 11:47
Make Gavin play FIFA using only Man U!
DJSkippy
March 20, 2015 at 11:49
Cruis’n for Wii – what a load of kuk
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:50
PS move games? (never played, just heard it was crap)
Captain JJ the damned
March 20, 2015 at 11:50
Too much movement for you? ;P
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:51
BACK IN YOUR MAKE-UP BOX!
Captain JJ the damned
March 20, 2015 at 12:09
🙁
But I don’t wanna
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 12:11
Just breathe and think of all the pretty colours.
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 12:16
*bundles JJ inside
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:50
Jar Jar Binks – The Turn-based-FPS-RPG-Strategy
Pariah
March 20, 2015 at 12:05
With Kinect-only voice control that has to sound like the real thing.
SargonTheBatpandaOfAkkad
March 20, 2015 at 11:51
Rambo: The Video Game
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 11:51
LOOOL
Viking Of Science
March 20, 2015 at 11:58
Tetris, at 200% speed. Every game over results in an electric shock (obviously my enemy is strapped in a chair) Also, the Shocks increase in voltage at random…. my enemy has one choice:
GIT GUD or DIE TRYIN’
SargonTheBatpandaOfAkkad
March 20, 2015 at 11:59
And here I thought you’d opt for turning your enemy into a blood eagle!
Tbone187
March 20, 2015 at 12:20
I’d have them endlessly falling down the pit in MK2 with Bubble Bobble music playing in the background.
CuddlesaurusRex
March 20, 2015 at 12:22
Pretty much any movie based games would do as punishment as well.
Captain JJ the damned
March 20, 2015 at 12:33
That Iron Man
Scruff304
March 20, 2015 at 12:56
I would give @Darryn_Bonthuys:disqus any PGA tour game… And he could only pick Tiger Woods, and only play one hole… FOREVER!!!
Mark Treloar
March 20, 2015 at 13:03
And if Tiger Woods had only played one hole he would have been far better off.
eXpZA
March 20, 2015 at 13:22
Mass Effect 2.
(but it crashes every time you try launch it.)
Admiral Chief
March 20, 2015 at 13:52
OR it crashes every time you pause
MAC
March 20, 2015 at 13:29
Dark void……. worst last gen game for me. Flying through walls…. not awesome.
Darren Peach
March 20, 2015 at 13:29
That Kim Kardashian game.
CAE9872
March 20, 2015 at 14:01
As most will know I love the Halo franchise and have gotten use to the escape sequences at end of 1 and 3…BUT
Make them play that, on legendary, with the Iron Skull on…repeat ad infinitum.
schitsophrenic-toothbrush
March 20, 2015 at 14:15
Tongue of the fatman…nuff said
Kromas is drunk with power!
March 20, 2015 at 14:36
Anything with Early Access attached to it. 😛
Ronin Gamer
March 20, 2015 at 18:17
SimCity 5…….wait for it… on launch day.
Matt Mangin
March 22, 2015 at 10:20
Noby Noby Boy. what a terrible night that was.
Zander Boshoff
March 23, 2015 at 09:37
Any unpatched ubisoft 2014 game on a hd 6990