Fire Emblem: Three Houses has released to what can only be described as rapturous acclaim, with many an outlet and a barely functioning dumbass with severe social ineptitude skills singing its praises. It’s not hard to see why Three Houses is such a damn good game, thanks to its reinforcement of the best bits of tactical action from previous Fire Emblem games being bolstered by an honest and heart-warming approach to building bonds between you and your comrades.
It’s lengthy, stunning to look at and playing on Permadeath makes every bad decision haunt you for the rest of your days when you lose a cherished teammate. Fire Emblem: Three Houses is a near-perfect game. Near, oh so near and I would have easily lobbed my first ever career 10/10 on it were it not for one massive problem that I’ve taken issue with.
I can’t pet the damn cats, and this is driving me nuts.
Here’s the quick recap: Between battles and attending funerals because you thought Ferdinand could totally take on a horde of axe-wielding barbarians without a refresh of Seiros Knights gambit troops, Fire Emblem: Three Houses has you exploring the Garreg Mach monastery in your downtime. There’s plenty to do here, from motivating your pupils with cooking lessons to seeing how well they’ll do in tournaments and even a chance for a spot of fishing.
Within the monastery, there are plenty of solid floofy boys to spot as they catch a ray of sunshine. All kinds of smol cats who are totes coot as well. Long boys, chubby chonkers and calico cattitude roam the grounds, just waiting for you to stop whatever it is that you’re doing and approach them. That’s all you can do. You can’t kneel down and press X to stroke, there’s no mini-game where you can catch fish for them and you can’t even invite them to a tea party so that you can build an S-Class relationship with Major Fluffbutt because developer Intelligent Systems didn’t think to include that option.
I am furrious at this slight, and I know I’m not the only person who is on the verge of writing an ineffectual petition that asks nay demands that Nintendo allows me to pet the kitties in Fire Emblem Three Houses.
On the plus side, at least one video game developer has their ducks in a row and ready for a random cat attack: Ubisoft, who made damn certain to include a cat-petting function in Assassin’s Creed Origins.
C’mon Nintendo, fix this problem. I need digital cat petting ASAP.
Last Updated: July 29, 2019