Come September, I’ve got a feeling that everyone is going to be feeling pretty mighty. After a certain webhead paved the way forward for Marvel’s next big venture into video game territory, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the roster got a chance to shine. Which they’ll be doing in Marvel’s Avengers! The most popular and bankable icons of that comic book universe will be taking to PC and consoles soon enough, and so far they look pretty good!
Iron Man has an entire house party protocol arsenal of armour to wear, Hulk is wearing trendy ripped pants once again and Captain America looks like a patriotic sack of potatoes. I dig it. There’ll be more costumes to wear, with the latest trailer for the game detailing how Marvel’s Avengers pulls from 80 years of history to recreate some iconic threads, as well as a few new costumes from the design team over at Crystal Dynamics.
Which means that you can probably expect some fantastic and cringeworthy costumes with which to punch the snot out of AIM’s cannon fodder robots. Here’s a look at five costumes we hope makes the cut…and five that don’t.
Here’s what we want to see:
Heroes Reborn Iron Man Prometheum armour
“But Darryn, why does Iron Man have exhauts pipes? Why is there a mountain of EXTREME gold-plated HDMI cables sculpted to look like human muscle tissue between the armour joints? WHY?’’” you scream, never giving me a moment’s respite as I have to yet again explain why comic book lore allowed for various superheroes to escape complete annihilation at the hands of Onslaught when Franklin Richards warped reality and created a pocket dimension.
Shut up, that’s why. Look at that armour, gaze at peak 1990s design, every single line pencilled in exquisite detail by Whilce Portacio and creating an Iron Man that is more ostentatious than an Ed Hardy clothing advert shoehorned into a Fast and Furious action sequence. Sweet Galactus, this armour deserved more love for being able to run on an arc reactor powered by pure peacock energy.
Infinity Captain America
It’s not too difficult to make a Captain America costume. All you have to do is basically grab your nearest star-spangled banner, cut a few holes in it and dodge accusations of tampering with history while you bludgeon Nazis into comas with exotic metal. And yet, the best Captain America costume is always the one that acknowledges that beneath the American dream there is a man who is just as mortal as us.
Just having that touch of armour added to the costume makes a world of difference, and the Infinity saga nailed that look. A super-soldier without equal, Cap’s space-faring costume was a symbolic middle finger towards Thanos and the armies of the Makers, aggressive American exceptionalism pointed in the right direction for once.
Future King Thor
What happens when you combine Thor with a million years of Lethal Weapon? You get an older, wiser and grumpier Thunder god king who’s definitely too tired for this shit. God king Thor sits alone on a throne at the end of time, monarch of a desolate Midard and a grandfather to a trio of Asardian ass-kickers who have inherited his lust for battle and adventure.
No longer decked in leather and still short a working arm, this Thor looks like the sum total of Frank Frazetta’s ability to paint ass-kicking warriors and kings. Dressed in the finest armour, sporting a beard that would make ZZ Top jealous and able to drive back even the likes of Galactus with the power passed down to him by Allfather Odin, King Thor looks like a granddad that you don’t want to mess with lest he deliver a royal ass-kicking to your puny frame.
Worldbreaker Hulk
Hulk’s an easy idea, right? All you need is a surprisingly durable pair of purple jeans that rip just enough and you’re sorted. That being said, the jade giant has covered up over the years and worn some fashionable suits (Marvel’s Avengers will include his Joe Fixit persona), but I always loved his gladiator garb. The calling card of the Hulk who waged a war of revenge on the entire planet, the savage Hulk was smart enough to wear protection and cement the idea that this version of his smashing persona was an unstoppable conquering force of nature.
Plus you know what they say about a gamma-irradiated extinction event on two legs that wears massive boots. They probably wear massive socks as well.
Iron Man Ultimate armour
I genuinely looked for Black Widow alternate costumes for this list, but her getup has largely remained consistent with skin-tight bodysuits so more Iron Man it is! Lon before Adi Granov designed the prototype for modern Iron Man costumes in the Extremis storyline, the most realistic Iron Man armour ever drawn came from Bryan Hitch. I freakin’ adore this design, which makes Tony Stark resemble a drunk fighter jet and has realistic ideas of how that armour would function in real life. It’s somehow both alien and human when you gaze at it, a weird mix of form and function that I can’t get enough of.
And here’s what we’re taking a hard pass on:
Unworthy Thor
Whatever your stance is on the period in Thor’s life where he was considered unworthy, doesn’t matter. What does matter is how the Odinson decided to walk around topless, flaunting his damn upper body like Doctor Manhattan having the power of god and still waving his dick in your face. That’s a bit overkill, right? Stop making me feel terrible for not having done a single push-up in two weeks, Thor. You villain.
Earth X Hulk
For anyone who never read it, you missed out on a masterpiece when Earth X first came out so any years ago. I won’t delve into the details, but the general gist is that a great cataclysm gave everyone on the planet powers, heroes felt useless and time went on. Somehow, Bruce Banner managed to seperate himself from te Hulk, with the two now existing in a symbiotic partnership as two unique entities.
In the process, the Hulk basically became a giant green hairless ape that Banner would ride around on. Which admittedly does sound awesome. Until you realise that this Hulk…wasn’t potty trained and roamed around the land wearing a big-ass diaper. Just remember, the madder Hulk gets, the stronger the chances are that you’ll be introduced to the horrid contents of a diaper that was probably made from unstable molecules. The stuff that nightmares are made of.
1979 TV Movie Captain America
What if…Captain America was a circus motorcycle daredevil with a helmet that looked like a hollowed-out pumpkin? You’d get his 1979 TV movie incarnation, which just goes to show that the decade of disco wasn’t as groovy as everyone remembered it. There’s no way to describe this costume other than as a war crime against fashion itself, the dark mirror to the otherwise brilliant costumes that Chris Evans would don in the 2010s as everyone’s favourite shield-slinger.
Seriously, just looking at this train wreck makes my eyeballs want to swear allegiance to HYDRA.
Iron Man Godkiller armour
Just…uurrrghhh. I’m not saying that the Godkiller armor is bad, but it’s just lacking a certain flair that Tony Stark has had in every single suit that he has developed since he burst onto the scene. A space-faring outfit designed to help him survive in the far-off reaches of the galaxy, the suit just looks entirely forgettable. Nothing about it pops, it has no sizzle to its lines and the face-plate looks like a mechanical love toy for men. Considering how lonely space can get, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was an intentional design.
Last Updated: April 16, 2020
