Home Gaming Geralt is a terrible lover in The Witcher 3

Geralt is a terrible lover in The Witcher 3

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Topless Geralt

Sex isn’t necessary in The Witcher 3 – you can go through the whole game without putting your beef in any tacos. However, for those who wish to explore some simulated coitus, there are a bunch of options for Geralt. Unfortunately, his sword dexterity doesn’t necessarily translate to the bedroom.

I don’t normally like to use videos from other sites – I like our own content. However, this video from Eurogamer’s Aoife Wilson is far too hilarious not to share with you all:

You know, it’s one thing to show virtual couples falling into a sexual rut – they know what works and looped footage falls into a “rinse and repeat” cycle of love making. But here, Geralt is paying good money to sleep with a variety of prostitutes, and he does the same thing every time? Is this all he knows how to do? Leg grab, butt pat, some pumping action leading to a fake orgasm, over and over again? Come on Geralt, I thought you were better than this, especially considering the 16 hours of motion capture CD Projekt Red did for all the sex scenes.

While I haven’t gotten to see the sex scenes for myself, based on what this video shows, it seems Dragon Age: Inquisition did a far better job of creating varied and interesting displays of intimacy. I know that the sexual component wasn’t a big part of the Witcher gameplay experience, but this doesn’t send a very good message. I’m glad to see female pleasure highlighted, but it would be even better if couples were shown talking, laughing and enjoying themselves during a range of sexual encounters without just resorting to simpering noises during rote coitus. I’m not sure what this says more about, the developer’s own views of sexuality, or their judgement about what would be deemed acceptable and appealing by their audience. Either way, my crush on Geralt is dissipating, especially considering those nasty boxers.

Last Updated: June 9, 2015

80 Comments

  1. oVg

    June 9, 2015 at 14:09

    sigh… first world problems. Triss or Yenifer? Triss or Yenifer? Triss or Yenifer? Triss or Yenifer? Triss or Yenifer?

    Triss.

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      June 9, 2015 at 14:10

      Wrong πŸ˜›

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief's Adventure

        June 9, 2015 at 14:11

        Wrong, you needed to post the BOTH.GIF

        Reply

        • Hammersteyn

          June 9, 2015 at 14:12

          But you just agreed with the Triss decision?

          Reply

          • Admiral Chief's Adventure

            June 9, 2015 at 14:13

            While I have a soft spot for her, in this instance, I believe the BOTH.GIF is the correct answer

          • Blood Emperor Trevor

            June 9, 2015 at 14:49

            Having a “soft spot” for Triss means you like Yennefer more. ;P

          • Admiral Chief's Adventure

            June 9, 2015 at 14:56

            Soft spot is located close to my sternum, we shall not mention other parts…

          • Kensei Seraph - Terran Ghost

            June 9, 2015 at 19:18

            As you demand, so shall it be!

      • oVg

        June 9, 2015 at 14:14

        Yenifer comes across as a selfish nympho who loves unicorns. Triss cares more and looks super hot in that fox mask.

        Reply

        • Matthew Holliday

          June 9, 2015 at 14:18

          if you havent read the books, then triss is the obvious choice. no doubt.

          Reply

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:23

            she admits to Gerelt that she used him when he lost his memory, at least she is honest… but I have not read the books, but there soes seem something a bit off with Yen.

          • Matthew Holliday

            June 9, 2015 at 14:39

            never really considered it being used, but withholding certain information for personal gain was pretty sly.
            sly and sneaky is a good description of triss, theres alot that she doesnt explain or just never mentions.
            pretty typical of always playing second fiddle to yenn.

            yeneffer though, is in love with the game, the chase, she wants to be wanted. she plays the game, extends the chase and pushes geralt right to the point of him saying “nope, im out” then backs off.
            even if her feelings for geralt are more legit than Triss’
            she was a hunchback befor magic surgery, or something, so pretty typical insecurities.

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:44

            lol Gerelt acts like a lost puppy when he is around her. Not sure if he has a thing for Dominant witches or just loves Unicorns ;P

          • Captain JJ the_scarrrr

            June 9, 2015 at 15:32

            Agreed

    • Admiral Chief's Adventure

      June 9, 2015 at 14:10

      Triss. Agreed

      Reply

    • Admiral Chief's Adventure

      June 9, 2015 at 14:11

      BOTH!

      Reply

    • Matthew Holliday

      June 9, 2015 at 14:17

      triss is the most tempting, since you can romance her from much earlier in the game.
      ive gone for canon Geralt and playing the long game, waiting for my bae yeneffer to make herself available.

      Reply

      • Deceased

        June 9, 2015 at 14:20

        The disappointment for your use of the word “bae” is real O.O

        Reply

        • Matthew Holliday

          June 9, 2015 at 14:31

          geralt lives the thug life, but secretly has feelings.
          i thought it was pretty appropriate.

          Reply

          • Deceased

            June 9, 2015 at 14:34

            XD

        • Admiral Chief's Adventure

          June 9, 2015 at 14:32

          I’m glad someone pointed that out

          Reply

      • oVg

        June 9, 2015 at 14:20

        DAMMM, Yennefer oooozes more sex appeal than Marilyn Monroe. Its tough.

        Reply

      • Captain JJ the_scarrrr

        June 9, 2015 at 15:36

        πŸ˜€

        Reply

    • Ranting Raptor

      June 9, 2015 at 14:24

      Having yet to play W1 or W3 (and still busy with W2) I cannot make the choice as I have not yet met Yennefer

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief's Adventure

        June 9, 2015 at 14:25

        Aye, and after your Triss episode, you won’t want Yen

        Reply

        • Captain JJ the_scarrrr

          June 9, 2015 at 15:36

          Meh

          Reply

      • oVg

        June 9, 2015 at 14:27

        She was not in 2, she dispersers at the beginning of 2 with Ciri after a farm boy kills Gerelt with a pitch fork. So its all new to me as well.

        Reply

        • Admiral Chief's Adventure

          June 9, 2015 at 14:28

          Geez oVg, spoiler much? Llew is still playing W2

          Reply

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:29

            Its in the cartoon intro of 2.

          • Admiral Chief's Adventure

            June 9, 2015 at 14:32

            Aye, just let him experience the [spoilers spoilers spoilers] for himself

            πŸ˜›

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:36

            That story cut scene was in the extras menu for the new comers. Very important as it explains what the wild hunt is and what happened at the end of 1 before Gerelt becomes a horny bugger πŸ˜›

          • Ranting Raptor

            June 9, 2015 at 14:36

            I know about the pitchfork incident. But since Yennefer is depicted as a cartoon style (Very mature cartoon style) person, I cannot make comment yet

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:41

            Lets just say that her character model in Withcer 3 makes Miranda Lawson shy away.

    • RinceTheElfRoot

      June 9, 2015 at 14:29

      lol

      Reply

    • Captain JJ the_scarrrr

      June 9, 2015 at 15:31

      Yennefer

      Reply

    • Captain JJ the_scarrrr

      June 9, 2015 at 15:39

      Wow, I almost gave away a HUGE spoiler now regarding Yennefer.
      But. Yennefer.

      Reply

    • Kensei Seraph - Terran Ghost

      June 9, 2015 at 19:19

  2. Admiral Chief's Adventure

    June 9, 2015 at 14:14

    • Ranting Raptor

      June 9, 2015 at 14:24

      bwhahahahahahaha

      Reply

  3. Loftus

    June 9, 2015 at 14:21

    WELL…Roach is looking funny at me sometimes…and then I look back at him in that funny sort of way…maybe we should find a mountain and try and brake its back…

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      June 9, 2015 at 14:23

      You should tell him to wait outside!

      Reply

      • Loftus

        June 9, 2015 at 14:25

        of the closet? hahaha

        Reply

      • Blood Emperor Trevor

        June 9, 2015 at 14:27

        *her. Roach is a mare. πŸ˜‰

        Reply

        • Hammersteyn

          June 9, 2015 at 14:27

          wow, that’s an awful name then

          Reply

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:53

            Is there a reason why Gerald names all horses Roach? Does it have something to do with the man who tortured him in 2? Vernon Roach?

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:57

            With that much Eastern European lore it explains why there are no Africans in the game. Are there Africans in Vikings? Getting sick of these racist articles of The Witcher 3.

          • Blood Emperor Trevor

            June 9, 2015 at 14:57

            No, that was Roche. It probably tells you why in one of the books, but I don’t remember.

          • Hammersteyn

            June 9, 2015 at 14:58

            Named after a fish? Dafuq was he smoking?

          • oVg

            June 9, 2015 at 14:59

            Nekker flesh

        • Loftus

          June 9, 2015 at 14:29

          You had to go be all pervy pervy and sneak a looky look? πŸ˜› hahahaha

          Reply

          • RinceTheElfRoot

            June 9, 2015 at 14:37

            0_O

          • Blood Emperor Trevor

            June 9, 2015 at 14:45

            Or… he says something along the lines of “good girl” πŸ™ I’ll go with that. ;P

    • oVg

      June 9, 2015 at 14:51

      Most retarded horses look funny πŸ˜›

      Reply

  4. Hammersteyn

    June 9, 2015 at 14:24

    Love Doctor Wilson O_o Where would one start without get a disapproving glance from her?

    Reply

  5. Blood Emperor Trevor

    June 9, 2015 at 14:26

    Well I haven’t encountered any of the sex scenes, but if I had encountered one with Keira Metz I might say it could potentially be surprisingly tasteful, not particularly explicit & maybe what happens in the afterglow is pretty damn awesome. Hypothetically speaking.

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief's Adventure

      June 9, 2015 at 14:28

      Right right, hypothetical, I understand

      Reply

      • Blood Emperor Trevor

        June 9, 2015 at 14:31

        Good, I wouldn’t want there to be any confusion. It was just a plutonic nap on the beach. If such a thing happened. Which it didn’t.

        Reply

        • Admiral Chief's Adventure

          June 9, 2015 at 14:34

          Right, I understand.

          I think I need to change my active quest to go visit her and determine the validity of the hypothetical situation so colourfully described by a fine individual with peculiar meat tastes

          (every time I pick up a ‘rotten meat’, I think of you)

          Reply

          • Blood Emperor Trevor

            June 9, 2015 at 14:38

            And then eat it, right? Because you don’t like it cooked properly. ;P

          • Admiral Chief's Adventure

            June 9, 2015 at 14:54

            Nope, my one consumable item is RAW meat, just to counter that rotten meat

    • oVg

      June 9, 2015 at 14:50

      lol I turned Keira down because my Geralt has integrity. I promptly went to Cripple Kates to bust a sack πŸ˜›

      Reply

      • Blood Emperor Trevor

        June 9, 2015 at 14:52

        What a knob. πŸ˜›

        Reply

  6. RinceTheElfRoot

    June 9, 2015 at 14:31

    HAHA Aoife is hella funny.

    Reply

  7. Trebzz

    June 9, 2015 at 14:39

    Yeah they should allow the player to control these things πŸ˜› press the X to go faster and harder and move the analogue…. Ok I should keep these things to myself.

    Reply

    • Sageville

      June 9, 2015 at 14:39

      “Press X to pay….”

      Reply

  8. Sageville

    June 9, 2015 at 14:39

    All the sex scenes consist of the stock stuff and then the afterglow part, i.e. you always get the leg over, bum view and then the back-arching fakorgasm, followed by the afterglow (which is where the 16 hours of motion capture went)…. or so I hear… apparently….

    Reply

  9. The Sten

    June 9, 2015 at 14:44

    Tacos? What in the name of great Odin’s beard be this mysterious item from another world?

    Reply

  10. Michael Matusowsky

    June 9, 2015 at 14:50

    I’m not sure what this article says about you tbh.

    Reply

  11. Greylingad[CNFRMD]

    June 9, 2015 at 14:59

    Beef in taco… More than one way to sheath a sword? Brilliant! I also don’t understand why they turn to moans once it’s time for some ChickachickiPOW – WOW! And given the amount of time spent on the -uhm- mo-cap, it’s all a little underwhelming…

    Reply

  12. Kevin

    June 9, 2015 at 15:39

    Well… to be honest, Geralt IS stripped from emotion pretty much. In reality Geralt would probably be the most boring guy ever and the only people who would hook up with him would be prostitutes.

    Reply

    • Captain JJ the_scarrrr

      June 9, 2015 at 15:40

      You don’t need charisma to be a badass monster slayer.

      Reply

      • Kevin

        June 10, 2015 at 16:24

        No, what I meant was that without emotion everyone would be boring lol πŸ™‚ and perhaps you wouldn’t even feel the need to have sex or the need to help people.

        Reply

        • Captain JJ the_scarrrr

          June 11, 2015 at 07:49

          That’s true.

          Reply

          • Kevin

            June 11, 2015 at 11:08

            What I don’t know however, if Geralt is stripped for emotion entirely or just has very little emotion. There are quests in which Geralt says he’s ‘mad’, ‘frustrated’, ‘angry’ , which are all emotions. Obviously if he really has no emotion you couldn’t really create a game around him.

  13. CypherGate

    June 9, 2015 at 16:03

    lol who reviews sex scenes lol let alone gaming sex scenes. Damn… I have no more words.

    Reply

  14. Honey Vig

    June 9, 2015 at 16:03

    I’d better say Geralt is the only one to not taking action in W3. I’m 16
    hours in game but still no ‘action’. I had like 5-10 cards in Witcher 1
    at 16th hour.

    Reply

  15. Graeme Willy

    June 9, 2015 at 16:50

    My Geralt was true to Yennifer the entire way through…has never been to the Passiflora, outside of talking to Dijkstra there.
    [Minor spoilers. Not plot related, though]
    …I’ve even resisted Keira’s influence, even though Triss accuses Geralt of otherwise, when, in a later scene Geralt asks Triss, “Hear anything from Keira?” and Triss replies back with “Why, I thought you of all people would know the answer to that, Geralt…” and it breaks into a cutscene with Geralt expressing how it is hard to resist a sorceress. I felt appalled at both, Triss’ comment and that cutscene. My Geralt only has eyes for Yennifer lol.

    Reply

  16. Ineste1930

    June 10, 2015 at 08:15

    < col Hiiiiiii Friends..''.——–''???????? that's a full enjoy with+ microsoft+ ********* < Find More='' ……..''

    <?????????????????????????????????

    Reply

  17. Cadence Wallace

    June 10, 2015 at 12:42

    *tries to lose my crush on Geralt*
    Nope can’t do it

    Reply

  18. konfab

    June 10, 2015 at 15:34

    dat tag…

    Reply

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