Geralt is a terrible lover in The Witcher 3

2 min read

Topless Geralt

Sex isn’t necessary in The Witcher 3 – you can go through the whole game without putting your beef in any tacos. However, for those who wish to explore some simulated coitus, there are a bunch of options for Geralt. Unfortunately, his sword dexterity doesn’t necessarily translate to the bedroom.

I don’t normally like to use videos from other sites – I like our own content. However, this video from Eurogamer’s Aoife Wilson is far too hilarious not to share with you all:

You know, it’s one thing to show virtual couples falling into a sexual rut – they know what works and looped footage falls into a “rinse and repeat” cycle of love making. But here, Geralt is paying good money to sleep with a variety of prostitutes, and he does the same thing every time? Is this all he knows how to do? Leg grab, butt pat, some pumping action leading to a fake orgasm, over and over again? Come on Geralt, I thought you were better than this, especially considering the 16 hours of motion capture CD Projekt Red did for all the sex scenes.

While I haven’t gotten to see the sex scenes for myself, based on what this video shows, it seems Dragon Age: Inquisition did a far better job of creating varied and interesting displays of intimacy. I know that the sexual component wasn’t a big part of the Witcher gameplay experience, but this doesn’t send a very good message. I’m glad to see female pleasure highlighted, but it would be even better if couples were shown talking, laughing and enjoying themselves during a range of sexual encounters without just resorting to simpering noises during rote coitus. I’m not sure what this says more about, the developer’s own views of sexuality, or their judgement about what would be deemed acceptable and appealing by their audience. Either way, my crush on Geralt is dissipating, especially considering those nasty boxers.

Last Updated: June 9, 2015

Zoe Hawkins

Wielding my lasso of truth, I am the combination of nerd passion and grammar nazi. I delve into all things awesome and geek-tastic. You can read more of my words over at, or just follow me on all the social networks to get the true range of my sarcasm and wit.

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