When’s the next GTA coming out? We have absolutely no idea – but investors have been wondering where the game’s media blitz is. It seems like the GTA V hype train is about to leave the station.
The Epsilon Program – the GTA universe’s satirical poke at Scientology and the wave of new age hippie religions and cults – has updated its ridiculously annoying official site and twitter account. The Epsilon Program featured pretty heavily in GTA; San Andreas – being relegated to a few inside jokes in the last, somewhat more serious GTA IV.
Here are the tenets of Kifflom or Epsilonism, the satirical pseudo-religion that quite probably has a big role to play in GTA V.
1. The world is 157 years old – FACT!
2. Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak – FACT!
3. You are happy, you just don’t know it – FACT!
4. We all come from the same tree – FACT!
5. Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair – FACT!
6. Sperm does not exist – it is a lie spread by biology teachers – along with everything else you have ever been told – FACT!
7. Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day – FACT!
8. Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm – FACT!
9. Trees talk, but only some people hear them – FACT!
10. People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure – FACT!
11. If you believe this and turn you hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed – FACT!
12. KIFFLOM – HAPPINESS IS YOURS! KIFFLOM!
Crazy LA hippie cults? I’m sold. I hope this is an indication that GTA V will return to being less sombre, and feel a little less like work. If I have to babysit people in GTA V i’m going to end up selling the game and putting that money towards Saint’s Row 4.
Last Updated: August 2, 2012