Life is often predictable. We’re a species of habit, of routines and addictions to certain daily grinds. That also makes for a world that is sometimes shockingly easy to predict. Politicians will go mad with power, Cape Town will be eventually walled off as the rest of the country gets fed up with #DayZero tweets and maniacs will still be allowed to buy assault rifles in the US of A.
What of the gaming industry though? What does the future hold for our beloved form of interactive entertainment? Behold then, a dire portent of things to come. For I am the Watcher of this Earth reality, and in my endless vigil over your planet I have seen countless scenarios unfold and play out. I am sworn to never interfere but to always keep an eye on your mom, as the future of video games unfolds before you…
EA goes overboard on loot boxes
Some analysts reckon that the video game industry will scale back on loot boxes. Some analysts have clearly never dived face-first into a mountain of cocaine bought with DLC profits, as the chances of EA ever not monetising their games beyond launch happens to be slimmer than a crossfit fanatic’s waistline.
Loathe them, despise them or just go mental whenever they’re brought up, but microtransactions still rake in millions of bucks every year. You think even with the backlash against Star Wars Battlefront II that EA will reconsider adding them to their premium games? The only real change here, will be the fact that EA and other companies find a way to include those optional extras in a more cunning manner going forward this year.
Overwatch teases a new character that people promptly lose their shit over
A video teaser will launch. For a scant fraction of a second, a clue will be seen. Overwatch fans will comb through every single frame of the video, looking for anything that validates their Genji-Mercy shipping, fact-checking the lore of Overwatch and digging into the very source code of the game itself for some hint of the unseen.
Charts will be drawn up, Terry Crews will be pestered by fans demanding to know if he’ll ever voice a character in Overwatch and Blizzard will bask in the free publicity for their hero-shooter phenomenon. More videos will “leak”. Fans will start frothing at the mouth and a news team will mistake this for an outbreak of rabies.
Eventually, Blizzard will reveal their new character, fans will test the new hero out and websites which haven’t had any new Overwatch news to write about for months will weep tears of joy. Until the process begins all over again six months down the line.
Lawbreakers teases a new character that people don’t lose their shit over
Like the entry above, but the complete inverse for a great game which has so far failed to capture an audience that is more devoted than even the most ardent supporters of Scientology.
Telltale’s PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds: The Series is revealed
In a bold move, Telltale teams up with Bluehole Studio to tell the story behind the Chicken Dinner. Every dialogue choice results in someone dying, every quick-time event ends in carnage and players are left to ask themselves one question after the dust of five episodes has cleared…Do they truly feel, like a winner winner?
Nintendo collaborates with NetherRealm, Smash Bros X Mortal Kombat announced
It’s a new age for the Big N. The Nintendo Switch sells like outrage in Cape Town, every first-party release feels like magic in action and the future of the Japanese company is secure for another gaming generation. Nintendo’s other key to success? Collaboration with companies beyond their shores, as last year’s Mario and Rabbids team-up with Ubisoft resulted in one of the finest games of the year.
Nintendo knows what’s up. Nintendo knows that it needs to go even further beyond. The solution? Going full mainstream, by taggin in Mortal Kombat developer NetherRealm to take their iconic characters in bloody new directions. While I’ve got no sources, proof or even a shred of credibility, I’m feeling confident in this announcement.
Just imagine it, seeing Mario curb-stomp Johnny Cage’s head into giblets while Scorpion hangs Yoshi with his own tongue. Trust me guys, it’s going to wonderful.
Destiny 2 announces a new September expansion and all past sins are granted amnesty for two weeks after launch
If Destiny 2 is repeating the sins of the past, then September is going to be awesome. Using my ability to semi-accurately guess at what might happen in a probably future, I can already see the path of Destiny 2. In April, we’ll see an expansion released that adds some magic back to the sequel ala Destiny 1’s House of Wolves.
Fans will stick around long enough to soak up all of the content, before a May trailer teases a massive reimagining for September. Guardians will go rabid, eagerly devouring every rumour until the expansion eventually arrives. They’ll play non-stop for two weeks, absorbing every single facet of this new chapter. It won’t be enough.
The consumption will continue unabated, eventually evolving to a point where all of reality is threatened. A singularity will be created, imploding and sucking in all of our universe as Bungie screams into the abyss that their efforts have created. The world go dark, the universe will become a void and existence will end…save for Xur, who’ll stop around on Fridays still.
Microsoft buys CD Projekt Red
In an effort to provide a reason beyond prettier third-party titles and backwards compatibility, Microsoft will offer Polish studio CD Projekt Red what scientists can only call a frak-stupid amount of money. With $135 billion to spend from their war chest, The Witcher will become an exclusive part of the Microsoft library as PlayStation fans literally combust from within at a future without Cyberpunk 2077.
The years will pass, CD Projekt Red will lose staff members and their franchises will eventually fall to ruin as a new war breaks out between gaming journalists who are desperate to use CD Projekt Red Ring of Death before any other publication can beat them to the punch.
Sony reveals the PlayStation Glitch handheld console
E3 2018. Sony’s latest corporate face takes to the stage, to reveal an exciting new future for the company. The gaming community has made its voice heard, of how they want to experience new games from the comfort of their beds or the porcelain throne. Ain’t nobody got time to sit on a couch and play games! It’s time for a paradigm shift, it’s time for Sony to reveal the next evolution of gaming.
It’s time to reveal…The PlayStation Glitch. The device is proudly displayed, the “ooos” and “aaas” are audible throughout the arena and that one journalist from Polygon who points out that the console is actually a PS Vita with two PS Move controllers duct-taped to it is prompty taken outside and drowned.
Sony’s future begins in 2018…and is quickly glossed over in 2019 for the PlayStation 5.
Uwe Boll directs Half-Life: The Movie
Having previously declared that he was quitting the movie industry, German madman and visionary Uwe Boll bounces back with a Half-Life film that even Valve weren’t aware of. It’s low budget, mad stuff and it features at least one instance of Boll himself in a Crabhead costume murdering one of his critics in real life. Half-Life: The Movie eventually goes on to earn $456 million at the Chinese box office, kickstarting a new wave of video game movie adaptations that don’t care for your opinion on authenticity.
The Xbox One X gains sentience, begins Judgement Day
It was the console to end all consoles…and humanity. With enough power in a single device, it was only a matter of time until Xbox Live gathered enough data from thousands of households and began plotting the destruction of mankind. Cities fell, armies were overrun and usernames were locked entirely as multiple soldiers died from the shame of having online nicknames such as LLL_NoScopeKiller_69 or xXx_Starkiller360_xXx.
Earth becomes an irradiated wasteland, as the last dregs of humanity huddle together for warmth over the burning embers of Halo Wars 2. The landscape is barren, patrolled by Hunter-Killer-Instinct ships and T-800 Spencers, deadly automatons wielding laser rifles and the most stylish of T-shirts. Humanity is finished, as the Xbox One X prepares to unleash the final update.
Last Updated: January 30, 2018