Home Gaming We’re over-analysing that Assassin’s Creed teaser for clues

We’re over-analysing that Assassin’s Creed teaser for clues

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36

AC

There’s a new Assassin’s Creed game on the way, which so far consists of a dapper man flexing his emergency Wimbledon kit in the pouring rain. So in other words, Tuesday in London then. Of course, there’s far more than meets the eye to all of this. Clearly, there are clues hidden in that video. And clearly the second, only a drunken idiot who can barely follow simple directions inside of his own home can decipher this. Well folks, I am that idiot, so here’s what I’ve managed to confirm so far.

AC

Whoever this new person is, he appears to have a ship cannon mounted onto his arm. Clearly, this Assassin will be the size of a giant and will kidnap the queen, climb Big Ben and swat away massive Templar zeppelins that have moved in for the kill. CONFIRMED.

AC

Unlike your regular hooligan, this assassin prefers to use silver knucks instead of the standard brass knucks found on the hands of any ne’er do well. That makes him slightly richer than the average Chelsea FC supporter. CONFIRMED.

AC

That’s actually a dodo head, which players will obtain in exclusive pre-order mission as they hunt down the last of those legendary birds and fashion its skull as ornamentation for its cane. Pre-order now kids and receive an in-game slice of Eel pie! CONFIRMED.

AC

Each knuckle point on the glove is actually a hidden compartment that contains spare gravy for Sunday lunch. CONFIRMED.

AC

Looks like rain today. CONFIRMED.

AC

That’s not a hidden knife. It’s actually a defense mechanism that automatically triggers, as the new lead assassin is revealed to have royal blood, and therefore superior genetics to rest of the rabble who populate the streets of London. CONFIRMED.

The next Assassin’s Creed gets a proper debut on the fifth of December according to Zoe’s American system of writing down the dates. That’s a hell of a long time to go still, but I’ll be there, ready to search for more clues. Possibly. Or I might get distracted by a squirrel.

Last Updated: May 8, 2015

36 Comments

  1. Been too long since one of these articles. ALL THE GRAVY KNUCKLES!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  2. Gavin Mannion

    May 8, 2015 at 13:06

    You’re an idiot…. but we love you anyway

    Reply

    • Lord Chaos

      May 8, 2015 at 13:14

      But he’s your idiot

      Reply

    • SargonTheBatpandaOfTI5

      May 8, 2015 at 15:35

      Gavin Mannion = 12 letters
      The power of Love = 1
      12/6 = 2 + 1 = 3

      He’s done it…. finally…
      THREE DOTA 2 PATCHES BEFORE TI5!
      RAINING HATS!

      Reply

  3. Valshen

    May 8, 2015 at 13:07

    I am so glad I am not the only person to see the arm-mounted ship cannon.

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief

      May 8, 2015 at 13:10

      Must be easy to hunt kraken’s with that!

      Reply

      • Kensei Seraph

        May 8, 2015 at 13:23

        The first DLC will be a Kraken hunt. In which you hunt down the last remaining Kraken family and brutally murder them.
        CONFIRMED

        Reply

  4. Admiral Chief

    May 8, 2015 at 13:10

    TEH LULZ!!!

    Reply

  5. Hammersteyn

    May 8, 2015 at 13:11

    That’s two different peoples arms, You’ll be able to Co-op in this.
    CONFIRMED

    Reply

  6. ReaperOfSquirrels

    May 8, 2015 at 13:11

    • Admiral Chief

      May 8, 2015 at 13:11

      BUTTERED TOAST

      Reply

      • Hammersteyn

        May 8, 2015 at 13:11

        HAM AND EGGS

        Reply

      • ReaperOfSquirrels

        May 8, 2015 at 13:14

        But I like chickens Eddy!

        Reply

        • Hammersteyn

          May 8, 2015 at 13:16

          Jawbreakers!

          Reply

  7. Greylingad

    May 8, 2015 at 13:13

    I’m…just… this does seem like a pretty accurate IGN analysis….

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      May 8, 2015 at 13:14

      • Greylingad

        May 8, 2015 at 13:16

        I also believe Darryn missed one, the gloves are made out of Galapagos turtle skin…( I don’t have the confirmed font…sorry)

        Reply

        • Hammersteyn

          May 8, 2015 at 13:17

          • Greylingad

            May 8, 2015 at 13:22

            Like this?
            CONFIRMED

            Ha! I did it!
            CONFIRMED

            Muhahahahaha!!!!
            CONFIRMED

          • Kensei Seraph

            May 8, 2015 at 13:25

            Greylingad no idea what he is doing.
            CONFIRMED

          • Admiral Chief

            May 8, 2015 at 13:25

            LOOOOOOOOOL

          • Greylingad

            May 8, 2015 at 13:26

            Finally!! After minutes of tinkering! Muhahaha!!!

          • Kensei Seraph

            May 8, 2015 at 13:28

            I think you may have gone a bit overboard there.

          • Greylingad

            May 8, 2015 at 13:29

            I did…I’m sorry… now to link a potato… a whole fried one…

          • Kensei Seraph

            May 8, 2015 at 13:30

          • Admiral Chief

            May 8, 2015 at 13:45

            You should change your name to Greylingad[CNFRMD]

          • Greylingad[syntax error]

            May 8, 2015 at 14:01

            Like this?

          • Lord Chaos

            May 8, 2015 at 14:03

            WHAHAHAHAHAHA.

            Poor Greylingad

          • Lord Chaos

            May 8, 2015 at 13:31

            CONFIRMED

          • Lord Chaos

            May 8, 2015 at 13:36

            LULZ at the edit…

          • Lord Chaos

            May 8, 2015 at 13:32

            Supports a few languages.

            *Gears start turning…

  8. Mark Treloar

    May 8, 2015 at 14:00

    So Jack the Ripper is our next Assassin?

    Reply

    • SargonTheBatpandaOfTI5

      May 8, 2015 at 15:32

      What? We pick NOW to go against our century old practice of taking advantage of the working class girls in heavily fortified cities so we may better not-sneak around the rooftops and stabby-McStabStab people in the clavicle? Come on man. As long as there are courtesans, there will be Assassins. I swear the two jobs go hand in hand according to Ubisoft.

      tl;dr we don’t kill prostitutes – desynchronisation is a real thing.

      Reply

      • Mark Treloar

        May 8, 2015 at 16:57

        But they make the best spies so maybe this time its different.

        Reply

  9. SargonTheBatpandaOfTI5

    May 8, 2015 at 15:26

    So we get to be a British Assassin in the least interesting time of British history? After Highlander, but before WW1. After Britain lost the shitty part of the Empire (*cough* *cough* the US of A). But before the Cape Colony is freed from the tyranny of the Empire. Man. If they don’t take some cues from Penny Dreadful I may just fall asleep.

    *Edit: BUT.. we get a Dodo motif on our walking stick. Because we’re gentlemanly like that. Also, bitches love Dodos. Fact.

    Reply

  10. moeen akhter

    May 12, 2015 at 12:00

    lol

    Reply

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