We’re over-analysing that Assassin’s Creed teaser for clues

3 min read
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There’s a new Assassin’s Creed game on the way, which so far consists of a dapper man flexing his emergency Wimbledon kit in the pouring rain. So in other words, Tuesday in London then. Of course, there’s far more than meets the eye to all of this. Clearly, there are clues hidden in that video. And clearly the second, only a drunken idiot who can barely follow simple directions inside of his own home can decipher this. Well folks, I am that idiot, so here’s what I’ve managed to confirm so far.

AC

Whoever this new person is, he appears to have a ship cannon mounted onto his arm. Clearly, this Assassin will be the size of a giant and will kidnap the queen, climb Big Ben and swat away massive Templar zeppelins that have moved in for the kill. CONFIRMED.

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Unlike your regular hooligan, this assassin prefers to use silver knucks instead of the standard brass knucks found on the hands of any ne’er do well. That makes him slightly richer than the average Chelsea FC supporter. CONFIRMED.

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That’s actually a dodo head, which players will obtain in exclusive pre-order mission as they hunt down the last of those legendary birds and fashion its skull as ornamentation for its cane. Pre-order now kids and receive an in-game slice of Eel pie! CONFIRMED.

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Each knuckle point on the glove is actually a hidden compartment that contains spare gravy for Sunday lunch. CONFIRMED.

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Looks like rain today. CONFIRMED.

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That’s not a hidden knife. It’s actually a defense mechanism that automatically triggers, as the new lead assassin is revealed to have royal blood, and therefore superior genetics to rest of the rabble who populate the streets of London. CONFIRMED.

The next Assassin’s Creed gets a proper debut on the fifth of December according to Zoe’s American system of writing down the dates. That’s a hell of a long time to go still, but I’ll be there, ready to search for more clues. Possibly. Or I might get distracted by a squirrel.

Last Updated: May 8, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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