Dear Star Wars… WTF?

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I have found my dream job. It is to be a designer for Star Wars. Why? Because it really looks like the easiest thing since gold panning next to King Solomon’s Mine.

Exhibit one: a new droid! OMFG! WE HAVES A NEW DROID!!! It’s called C2-B5!! It’s just like R2-D2!!! Only, it’s Imperial!!!! Coz it’s BLACK!!!! OMFG, A BLACK R2-D2!!!!!

c2-b5

Now I seriously hope very few fans actually had that conversation in their head, because – damnit – it’s a frikkin’ black R2-D2. If I knew they were looking for such designs, I’d have cracked my knuckles, done a colour swap on Photoshop, and then sent Disney an invoice.

Sure, maybe there are differences. I notice someone wrote roughly a 100 words of copy to explain that Black R2-D2 C2-B5 is completely different. It, uh, looks after machinery and, erm, its owners can’t grant it freedom.

Ten bucks says such a droid wants its freedom in the next movie.

Also, a three-wheeled robot shaped like a trashcan is a terrible way to look after machinery. You really want one of these:

robot snake

(That is an actual robot. Yup, Star Wars would be more original if it just ripped off existing droids…)

Maybe there are cosmetic differences. If you care, you are now that guy at the convention who always asks an actor an inane plot hole detail that nobody cares about. Really, nobody cares, except you, because it is a really sad thing to care about. You’d be better off dreaming in a Matrix pod.

It took a year and million dollars to design the Robocop suit. The cost of designing cars for Bladerunner was partly why the movie went over its budget. Ray Harryhausen would spend months building and testing creature models before deciding on a final design. Finding the right shade of green for Ang Lee’s ill-fated Hulk required three months.

The new Star Wars droid is a black R2-D2.

Okay, black is a really nice colour. If I bought a droid, I’d want it in black. But that’s not the point.

The point is that this is even news. Movie and geek sites everywhere are carrying the headlines of the ‘new’ Rogue One droid. Not so long ago I was complaining about the media’s role in stoking fan entitlement and acting as a free marketing platform to entertainment monoliths. Now we get slapped with the most obvious and unapologetic example of that stupidity.

At least even the biggest Star Wars fans here at The Movies held off on reporting about this new droid. But many didn’t and even more fans stuck their heads in the trough. We live in an age where a new paint job is worthy news for an upcoming movie.

This will change NOTHING about how good or bad the movie will be. It just adds more crap to your life. I feel a little like Kelly, the daughter in Married… With Children. One episode it was revealed she could only keep a finite amount of knowledge – once a new bit arrived, she forgot something.

kelly bundy

Yeah, I feel like Kelly. News of a ‘new’ droid has now entered my brain and killed something useful. Maybe my mother’s birthday – whatever that is – or that I need to something tax something something.

It can’t be important. Not as important as OMG, R2-D2 WITH A BLACK PAINTJOB!!!!!!!!!!!

PS. Then again, am I surprised? The Force Awakens had a silver stormtrooper with a baby bib strapped to its shoulder. I am sending my resume to Disney right now. So long, all you underpaid suckers.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Critical Hit as an organisation.

Last Updated: September 2, 2016

James

A total movie glutton, nothing is too bad or too obscure to watch, unless it's something like The Human Centipede. If you enjoyed that, there is something wrong with you. But bless you anyway - even video nasties need love...

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