It’s Saturday morning, all your homework is done and before you get a start on the day it’s time to indulge in the most classic of childhood hobbies: Making a bowl of cereal with enough sugar in it to give an elephant a heart attack and plonking your butt down in front of the TV to watch some cartoons. Or some weird live-action kids show before you hear your TV blare “PREVIOUSLY, ON X-MEN!”.
Here’s the thing: I think I know why I’m so damaged now, after I decided to look back at those shows which my infant mind absorbed. You ever hear the old adage of gazing into the abyss and then seeing the darkness look back at you? If the abyss had a face, it would be Woofles from Pumpkin Patch, a fever dream giving polyester flesh and unleashed on children so that dark forces could harvest the screams of the innocent.
There’s no shortage of local monstrosities either when it comes to classic TV shows. Mr Chinwag from Kideo is a carrot-obsessed ass of an ass who’d gnaw your face off for some of his favourite orange deathsticks, Galooby was pretty much what would happen if Barney the dinosaur kept it in the family and Liewe Heksie was a puppet that was controlled by fear made manifest.
Hell, even with the advent of cheaper computer-generated animation that has pretty much killed the industry of live-action TV nightmare fuel, there’s still no end in sight to the ancient horror who find new avatars in the digital entertainment of today. You just know that this animated fridge would steal your soul if it was given the chance to do so:
So here’s the question: With the power of hindsight, which TV show gives you the heebie-jeebies? Which classic childhood mascot is evil and hate, all wrapped up in a smelly costume that can barely contain the malevolence inside? Maybe Zet freaks you out with his incessant mumbling, maybe that damn duck high off of its socks on nose candy in Wielie Wallie should be locked up.
Discuss below, quiver in fear and blame GrahamZA and Nukehead for the carnage that they have unleashed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pay the creators of Timothy Traddle a visit. They’re very late for their trial in the Hague.
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Last Updated: September 27, 2019