I did not win the genetic lottery. You may not be aware, but I’m only really half Chinese. The other part of me is predominantly Scottish, though it’s really like your favourite bag of liquorice sweets; all sorts. I should have the best bits of both – but really, I ended up having the best bits of neither.
Good at maths? Ahaha, no – as many of you reading here can attest, I’m pretty bad with numbers, often dropping whole zeroes, mistaking millions for billions or getting my calculations very, very wrong. With that fiery, Scottish blood, I should also be built – as they often are – like a brick shit house, but I’m instead gifted with limp, noodle arms and the stature of a Hobbit.
A particularly hairy Hobbit, paradoxically, without any hair on my feet. While my Chinese kith and kin are practically hairless (save for the bits on the top, and the bits in the middle), I am covered in a thick carpet of man fur. It doesn’t really upset me too much, but it’s bothersome in summer, and up here in South Africa’s dry Highveld, makes me a more of a fire hazard than I ought to be.
Thankfully though, I didn’t get that stereotypically Asian tackle though right? Yeah, no.
Really though, there’s a rabid badger (with a small nose, apparently) that lives in my pants – or it looks that way anyway.
And so it falls on me to review a body groomer, that’s purposefully made to rid sensitive and not-so-sensitive areas of unwanted follicular fluff. The folks at Philips sent me their entry-level, Bodygroom series 1000 body groomer, which is not exactly the sort of thing I’d go out and buy. I’m not exactly the target market, y’know?
Everybody in the ads is a perfectly sculpted Adonis, where I’m a pudgy, middle-aged sort of chap. The very kind that the now passé “dad bod” was popularised to make feel better about. But I figured why not? Women are expected to keep their bits neatly trimmed, and I feel it’s only fair to return the favour.
Here, for interest’s sake, are the sorts of styles Phillips suggests:
- Basic Mankini – eliminate hair on your legs below the edge of your underwear. The best way to achieve this look is to keep your tightie-whities on; simply trimming where your brief rests on your thighs. Just click on the comb to pre-trim longer hairs to 3mm before removing it for a closer trim.
- Faux Natural – not too groomed, but neatly trimmed. This is one of the most popular styles, where you trim your man garden just enough to look neat. Using the Philips Bodygroomer with the comb, simply trim the hair around the base of your man-tackle for a neat natural look.
- Manzilian – this is a clean sweep that eliminates hair from everywhere but your legs and above your crown jewels. When you work your way down to the marbles, click on the skin-protector to get the closest results. The trimmer is bi-directional to grab those annoying hairs that grow in all directions.
- Wedge – essentially a manzilian that also eliminates some of the hair above your shaft, leaving a small landing strip. To achieve the look, take away all the hair and leave a small block above the shaft of your neither region. Take your trimmer and gently glide it up and down your man-tackle. Pull the skin tight and move the trimmer in any direction that feels comfortable.
The Bodygroom series 1000 is a bi-directional shaver, which promises to give you a shave as close as 0.5mm with the smaller of the two guards, there’s also a 3mm guard if you’re not keen on removing the hair completely. It operates using one single, included AA battery, and is wholly water proof, so you can rinse the fluff off afterwards or even use it in the bath if you’d prefer. The guards themselves clip on and off, and seem like they’re likely to snap.
And well, it works as it promises on the tin (or moulded packaging, as the case may be). For the past few weeks, I’ve been shaving my junk with the thing, and it…well it works, I guess. I can’t honestly say it does the job better than a regular razor might – and it doesn’t quite get as close as you’d like, leaving your bathing suit area stubbly and prickly, largely defeating the purpose.
It does, however, seem to be pretty safe to use – so if you’re averse to have sharp, thin bits of metal scraping the hair off your tackle and the thin-skinned sack that houses the meaty plums responsible for creating your future unborn children, then it’s probably worth using. Just realise that you’ll have to go over some pretty sensitive areas over and over again to get it to be as free of hair as you’d like.
So yes – right now, I’ve got a scrotal region that’s nearly as smooth as it was the day I was born – but decidedly wrinklier. It took far more effort to attain that using the Bodygroom 1000 than I’d anticipated, and there’s certainly a bit of perpetual maintenance necessary afterwards – unless you’re fond of itching and rashes. If you’re over 35 (as I am!), it also ends up being less attractive than you’d imagine. Caveat Emptor.
It’s available for R299, from Clicks, Dischem, Pick n Pay and Takealot.com
Last Updated: December 18, 2015