I feel bad for Aquaman. One of the mightiest heroes around, reduced to a running gag about how he’s almost as useless as GI Joe’s Snowjob when he isn’t in his natural habitat. And that’s a travesty.
You want to know how much of a badass Aquaman is? Here’re a few quick pointers:
- He’s king of the seas. ALL OF THEM. That’s two-thirds of the planet, amigo. Your United Nations go get bent.
- He once lifted an entire city that had sunk into the water. A CITY.
- His son was in danger, he was ambushed and left chained to a rock to watch him die. Aquaman’s solution? CUT HIS OWN FREAKIN’ HAND OFF.
- Yeah, he talks to ocean life, like cute fish. You know what also counts as ocean life? Great white sharks, whales and gigantic kraken from the depths of the ocean floor.
- Speaking of sharks, he actually unleashed a horde of them on invading Parademons from Apokolips, as a show of force.
- Secret identity? That’s for chumps and chumpettes. The whole world knows who Aquaman is, and he doesn’t give a crap.
- He’s a badass out of water. Save your silly jokes for Robot Chicken. Aquaman has kicked ass on dry land. ON OTHER PLANETS.
- Did I mention that he fights Cthulu. Annually? And wins every year? Let’s see Superman do that.
- He once threw a bear at criminals. An actual, pissed-off grizzly bear. For reals.
Anyway, the reason why I’m on an Aquaman bend right now, is because of this: The Aquaman Premium Format Figure from Sideshow Collectibles.
Gifted with extraordinary aquatic abilities, Arthur Curry rises from the depths wielding his mighty trident, a powerful enchanted weapon and symbol of sovereign authority.
It’s the king of the seas, in all his moist glory. And with an interchangeable beardy face and hook-hand, if the fancy strikes you. There’s no solid release date on this statue yet, but expect it to cost around $429.99 when it eventually releases.
Now, anybody here still think that Aquaman is a joke, and can do so without linking an embed to a Robot Chicken gag?
Last Updated: October 21, 2015