Breaking Bad: Poultrygeist – Night of the Chicken Dead

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5

Breaking Bad

This week’s Breaking Bad takes on an unheralded Troma classic: Poultrygeist – Night of the Chicken Dead, perfect for a Halloween watch. Troma, like Asylum, pride themselves on creating low-budget classics and if even half of what I’d read about this film prior to watching it was true, it was likely to be their greatest achievement. And believe me, I use the word “achievement” in its loosest possible sense.

In hindsight, this is probably the goriest movie I’ve seen since Braindead or Bad Taste, but it’s done in the same comical manner as the aforementioned Jackson classics, so even the bad bits (which you’ll read about shortly) are far too funny to be offensive.

Aaaaand we’re off…

Aaaaand I’ve paused already. 28 seconds in. I need to set the scene quickly.

Starts off in typical Troma fashion with a title sequence so bad it would have looked kak in the 60’s. At least it was mercifully short.

First scene is of a graveyard with a headstone in the foreground reading, and I quote, “The Indian Chief from the Village People”. In the background are a supposedly teenage couple grinding each other in their underwear and the chick shouts “You must be the best dry humper in school!”.

He replies “That’s what the guys on the basketball team say”.

I kid you not.

PG8

So now they’re actually tagging each other when all of a sudden about ten zombie arms come out of the ground. Neither of them notices. The arms grope them. Neither of them notices. One of the zombies STICKS ITS FINGER UP THE GUYS ASS. He says “Oh Wendy. I never knew love could be so pure”.

Okay, the zombie finger just broke off in the guy’s ass.

Now the caretaker shows up, axe in one hand, knob in the other and starts jerking it while he watches them. Am I watching the right movie?

So the caretaker is busy jerking it while sniffing the teenager GUY’S jockeys. While doing that, a zombie arm comes out of the ground, goes up his ass, out of his mouth, grabs the jockeys and pulls them aaaaall the way back through the dude and back into the ground.

Yeah, I’m watching the right movie.

Fast forward an indeterminate amount of time and it looks like the theme is a KFC-type chicken outlet built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Classy. There’s a big chicken-related protest going on outside with everyone holding signs and shouting the odds. Some classics include “We Love Cock”, “She Loves Cock ->” and “CLAM – College Lesbians Against Mega-conglomerations”.

PG1

Oh the dude from the graveyard just bumped into his chick again in the crowd. She’s gone lesbian and he’s upset.

And he just broke into a song. I didn’t realise this was a musical too. Lyrics are funny as hell.

Okay, our hero decides he’s pissed at his ex, so he’s going to get a job in the chicken place, ostensibly to get back at her. Right at the same time as a green, dodgy egg rolls ominously out of a box. And then a chicken starts growling like a demon when dropped in a deep fryer. Awesome.

RON JEREMY!!!

Okay, some fat dude (not Lord Ron), just ate one of the dodgy eggs and dashed off to toilet where he’s been making the most horrific sounds for the past 5 minutes.

PG2

What I think just happened is the fat dude crapped himself skinny. He crapped something out, it made a feathery, flapping sound, then climbed back up his ass, split him open and a skinny version of him climbed out of his own fat self. Covered in crap.

Sorry, I have NO idea how else to describe it…

And another song kicks in featuring lots of topless chicks singing about getting salad tossed. Yes, really.

Okay things are kinda meandering a bit pointlessly at the moment. Our hero met some old dude who’s been with the company for 50 years and happens to have the same “Go Yankees” tattoo on his ass as the hero. I think we’re supposed to think it’s him in 50 years’ time. Or something.

PG3

Oh and a Mexican dude who works at the fast food place just jerked off into the chicken batter. He’s a freedom fighter. True story.

Right, while he was doing that, a chicken snuck up behind him and pushed him into the grinder, which in turn showered a Muslim chick (who also works there) in blood and entrails. Literally showered.

And with that she looks down at her clothes and then up at the walls and says…

“Oh shiite” (pronounced shee-ite)

PG5

I’m in tears here. Best line of the movie by miles.

Okay, he just made a burger using the dead dude’s ground up entrails. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the burger started talking to him and warned him about the possessed chickens.

Some hillbilly who works the kitchen is busy kissing a frozen chicken. With tongue.

And now he’s shagging the chicken.

Er… quite graphically…

The chicken just um… “bit” his knob off. So he charges into the kitchen screaming with this zombie frozen chicken hanging off his knob. The Muslim chick sees this and starts hitting the chicken with a mop. I’m not sure I can fully do justice to how she gets the chicken off him in the end…

Right, so the head honcho of the restaurant has got the whole mob of protestors eating possessed chicken. All the pieces have these bulging green bubbles on them filled with ooze. It’s pretty grim.

Aaah okay. The leader of the protestors is actually in cahoots with the head honcho of the restaurant. What a cunning plot twist!

So the people pressure the head honcho (hereafter referred to as The General) into trying his own chicken. He eventually does and suddenly feels like his ass is going to explode (a la the fat dude near the beginning). He bolts into the toilet, drops his rods, sits down and… lays an egg. All to the dulcet tones of “In the Halls of the Mountain King”. I will never be able to listen to that tune again with a clear conscience.

So the egg hatched and out popped a green, satanic zombie devil chicken which tried to kill The General. So he bit its head off. And got showered in green.

Now the hillbilly is back, but now he’s a zombie with a broomstick where his knob should be. And he’s slowly turning into a giant green satanic zombie devil chicken.

PG4

Seriously.

And now The General is turning into… well I think it’s a giant egg. Oh yeah it is. And out hatches a giant green satanic zombie devil chicken (hereafter referred to as a GGSZDC) which rips the head off the manager and is now massacring the customers.

Now everyone is turning into GGSZDC’s! Some of them are lesbian and doing naughty things. Others are getting hold of customers and chopping them, slicing them, frying them, boiling them and, in one poor guy’s case, ripping their nuts off and deep frying them.

PG6

Hey the old dude with the butt tattoo is back! He’s… he’s got an M16 and he’s cleaning house.

Right up until the point where the headless manager’s body showed up again, grew a chicken head and bit the old dude’s face off…

Okay, so they killed the manager (again), tried to leave the restaurant and saw the entire town of zombie chickens outside coming to get them. A problem which they cunningly solved by putting the “We’re Closed” sign up on the door. I kid you not.

Oh and it turns out the old with the butt tattoo really is our hero in 50 years. Maybe. I don’t know exactly, but it’s definitely him.

Right, the hillbilly is back and in the throes of death manages to explain that alcohol kills the GGSZDC’s.

Okay our hero is being attacked by the old him (who turned zombie) and his chick is being attacked by her lesbian ex (also a zombie) and now the Muslim chick just guzzled a couple of gallons of meat steroids, beefed up to douche-like proportions, did an impression of He-Man and then exploded. And some badly acted Irish priest just got his head stomped by a GGSZDC.

PG7

They killed all the townspeople zombies with beer (no, really) on account of them being killable with alcohol, but then got trapped in the storeroom, which is full of zombie chicken eggs, by the uber GGSZDC.

Right, the uber zombie imploded due to acid reflux. Then the Muslim chick got gatvol (oh yeah, she’s still alive by the way), ripped off her robes, turned out to be a monobrow-endowed smoking hottie in a bikini strapped with explosives and blew herself up to kill the zombies and save everyone else.

So the hero and his chick drive off into the sunset, find an egg in the car, get a fright, flip the car and explode and die.

The End

Thankfully

Acting: 2/10 (Intentional bad acting)
Cinematography: 2/10 (It was filmed – that’s the best I can say)
Special Effects: 2/10 (Intentionally low budget)
Directing: 3/10 (I think most of the cast were allowed to do their own thing)

Overall: 4/10 (Not aggregated, but wins bonus points for humour)

Last Updated: October 31, 2013

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