Last week, Ark: Survival Evolved hopped onto PlayStation 4. If you’ve been playing it on PC or Xbox One, you know exactly what to expect. If you haven’t, then here’s the deal: It’s you, waking up buck-naked on a strange island and working your way up the food chain as you seek to evolve your way out of becoming lunch for something bigger and nastier.
What’s it really like on that island though? What kind of a fool would willingly subject themselves to a tropical hell where only their lack of wits stood between them and singular extinction? Fortunately, I happened to fit that description, or at least I did after I was drugged and left for dead in Ark: Survival Evolved.
Minute 1: I’m naked, there’s some metal in my arm and I’ve somehow washed ashore on a strange beach…Either I’ve managed to time travel back to Rocking the Daisies 2004 or I’m in a video game. This does not bode well either way, although with the former I have a chance to score some Fresca at least.
Minute 2: I’ve been murdered by a Compsognathus.
Minute 3: I’ve managed to avoid the Compy and head further into the beach.
Minute 5: The f**cking compy had reinforcements waiting for me. Bastard.
Minute 8: Kept low, avoided the Compy horde and I’ve learnt that I can punch wood out of trees.
Minute 9: I got carried away and wood-punched a tree until I died from exhaustion.
Minute 13: Okay, same procedure. Avoid the compy. Punch a tree until I still have a sliver of health. Collect wood and stones to form makeshift tools that a cave man would envy.
Minute 17: Have to restart, after I tripped balls on Dilophosaurus venom. Jurassic Park, you fickle lying bastard.
Minute 63: After much grafting, I’ve got a decent structure going. That roof, that supports and a Margaret Thatcher doll for when I get lonely. Don’t judge me.
Minute 127: Despite a spirited holler of “WOLOLOLOLO” when I spotted him and charged with my stone hatchet, Compy killed me. Again. Today is off to a great start and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. Time to restart in the morrow.
Minute 1: My homebase is still standing, my experience is climbing and it’s time to start crafting some clothes to protect me from the elements. Some decent hide gear should do the trick.
Minute 3: I’m now being told that my character, who resembles the bastard love-child of Popeye and the Incredible Hulk, is too cold. I’m almost done crafting my leather clothing. I don’t just like leather…I LOVE leather.
Minute 4: Ah, that fits nicely.
Minute 5: My character is now too hot. Oh for f**k’s sake…
Minute 7: My character is now too cold and too hot. I need to somehow figure out how to wear less and more clothing at the same time.
Minute 23: Things are looking good! My home is shaping up nicely now that I can build with wood and I’ve got a mortar and pestle which I can use to craft anything from spark-powder through to narcotics for capturing wild beasts.
Minute 32: I AM THE SUN AND NO I HAVEN’T BEEN TRIPPING BALLS ON THE NARCOTICS AGAIN.
Minute 186: Oh my freakin’ head. At least now I know the answer to the question of why they call them fingers when they never fing.
Minute 2: Time to gets serious. There are threats hidden in the jungle, like peaceful dodos and pacifistic Paracers. If I want to survive, I’m going to need to learn how to forge some metal.
Minute 5: My forge is running hot on METAL, and my Smithy is set up to crank out some decent iron weapons as soon as I’ve done some decent smelting and got a stack of metal ingots.
Minute 12: Weird side effect of my clearing out the neighbouring area of any predators, is that the dodos seem to have multiplied. Cute little fellas.
Minute 17: Man, there sure are a lot of dodos just squawking around the place and pooping everywhere.
Minute 25: If I hear one more dodo chirp and gobble around, I am going to go mental. All I hear is dodos. Dodos making sounds. Dodos having wild and raucous unprotected sex like a teenager in a Friday the 13th movie. I hate dodos, I have sworn a blood oath on the feathered vermin.
Minute 26: Right, that’s it.
Minute 87: There’s dodo blood everywhere. I have killed these misunderstood creatures by the score, leaving my campsite a graveyard of avian guts and feathers…and I liked it. MORE.
Minute 257: After much work, grinding and crafting, it is complete. I have a basic revolver, one that would make Dirty Harry proud. Firearms may be the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems, but in this untamed land, it will make me a god.
Minute 263: I have spotted a Dinonychus, and it is unaware of my presence. Time to test this new gun out.
Minute 264: CRAP CRAP CRAP I FORGOT TO FORGE SOME AMMO FOR THIS GUN AND THE RAPTOR IS GAINING ON ME!
Minute 265: Well, time to start all over again. I’m dead.
Minute 3: Nothing major planned for today, as I recraft all manner of armour, weapons and actual ammo this time so that I can venture further into the jungle and capture a dinosaur to ride.
Minute 67: Stop looking at me like that Margaret Thatcher, you know my work here is important.
Minute 329: I’m finally ready. Guns are loaded, armour is set and I have enough bait to capture a specimen for me to mount and live out my Dino Riders fantasy at long last.
Minute 323: A lone dodo squawks. I fly into an instant blood rage.
Minute 401: Chased that damn dodo across the entire island. Where the hell am I now?
Minute 1: This is it! The day has been prepared for, and I’ve managed to brew a narcotic that prevents me from wanting to murder every dodo around me. Time to find me a dinosaur worth mounting.
Minute 15: Spotted a Triceratops, which would be perfect to have as my pet. All I need to do is stun it.
Minute 16: Oh right, maybe using a shotgun at point-blank range will do more than stun it. At least I won’t go hungry today.
Minute 29: A magnificent Diplodocus has come into view. A sauropod of the Cretaceous age, these gentle giants were known for their deadly ability to use their tail as a lethal whip against would-be predators.
Minute 30: I’m going to kill it and prove who the real sauropod of this island is.
Minute 31: THIS WAS A BAD IDEA RUN MOTHERF***KER RUUUUUUUUUUUN.
Minute 42: Finally escaped Diplodouchedus, and have spotted another Triceratops. I have a crossbow, and tranquiliser arrows. Time to pop a cap in that dino’s thorny ass and finally get my mount.
Minute 45: Success! I have tamed the beast, I have crafted the right saddle and I’m ready to ride my mighty lizard into battle.
Minute 72: We got ambushed by Compy and like the brave survivor that I was, I decided to leg it and leave my Triceratops to be mauled to death by Compy’s horde. Bastard.
Minute 1: I refuse to be conquered by this land. Today is a day of refining, rebuilding and preparing myself for the dangers ahead. I will have a new mount by the end of the day, as I seek to tame this island and emerge at the top of the food chain. I just hope that Margaret Thatcher understands my drive.
Minute 159: I’ve returned to my hovel with a Velociraptor mount, to discover that Marge has run off with Compy. At least according to the note that has the same handwriting as mine, which confirms the devious dinosaur has stolen almost everything from me.
Minute 260: Why can’t I smear my blood on a volleyball and name it Wilson…
Minute 1: Today is the day that I get to the bottom of Ark’s greatest mystery. I’ve found several notes throughout my journey, pointing towards some mystery in the middle of the island. It’s going to take everything I have to even make it there, never mind survive the trip back. After six days here, I’ve decided to give it a shot.
Minute 4: My Velociraptor, who I’ve named Nvidia Geofforce, is loaded and ready to rock. I don’t know if I’ll ever return to my home but I have to know what the mystery is.
Minute 127: The trek has been deadly, but beautiful. Jurassic Ark is a hostile land, teeming with all manner of danger and chaos. We’re about halfway to the location marked on my map.
Minute 221: Nvidia Geofforce can no longer go on. Thank you old friend. You were as loyal as you were delicious. UURP.
Minute 267: I’ve made it, just barely. I hate Gavin for sending me here to die. There’s a strange structure ahead, and I scramble towards it. I’m dehydrated, I’m hungry and I’ve exhausted my supply of Geofforce meat. At this point, I’d even settle for a dodo drumstick.
Minute 268: I’ve knocked on the door, only to be greeted by Gavin as he demands to know why I’ve been screaming at the pigeons in his backyard for the last week. Was it all just a dream?
Minute 269: Nope, just got murdered for the last time by Compy. That’s it, I’m done.
Last Updated: September 4, 2017