Wait… Did an early cut of Cats contain a bunch of CGI buttholes?!

I’ve yet to see Cats. As somebody who doesn’t drink excessively and doesn’t indulge in recreational drugs, I’m not sure I’m physically and mentally prepared for the undiluted cinematic horror that is director Tom Hooper’s star-studded big-screen adaptation of the classic (and admittedly already f–king weird) Andrew Lloyd Weber stage production. Just a few days after cleaning up at the Razzies, the critically lambasted 2019 release has hit digital home release, which means a lot of people are finally watching it. Or getting absolutely stoned and then live-tweeting it while they watch, like Seth Rogen.

One other person who watched it was writer/director Ben Mekler (Final Space, Kipo and the Wonderbeasts) and he was left with some questions about how this entire lumbering monstrosity came to be, and mentioned as much on Twitter. He got an unexpected reply though.

A VFX producer friend of a friend was hired in November to finish some of the 400 effects shots in @catsmovie. His entire job was to remove CGI buttholes that had been inserted a few months before. Which means that, somewhere out there, there exists a butthole cut of Cats

— Jack Waz (@jackwaz) March 18, 2020

Because clearly Cats wasn’t bad enough already. I mean, if they could do what they did to such screen legends as Dame Judy Dench and Sir Ian McKellen by sticking them in those horrible CGI approximations of cat bodies, then clearly there’s no reason why they couldn’t take it one step further and add buttholes.

And just like that, desperate for a diversion from the gloom and doom of Coronavirus, the Internet perked up. Cries of “#ReleaseTheButtholeCut” popped up everywhere, with both fans and other filmmakers demanding to see this anus-filled nightmare.

#ReleaseTheButtholeCut is exactly what we all need right now https://t.co/BhaROTRqLM

— Rian Johnson (@rianjohnson) March 18, 2020

Our society is collapsing our world is teetering on the edge of utter chaos please please we need this #ReleaseTheButtholeCut https://t.co/Dn5y7pKLuc

— Elle Maruska (they/them) (@ellle_em) March 18, 2020

This has been my pinned tweet since CATS came out last year and with #ReleaseTheButtholeCut trending it is now more pertinent than ever https://t.co/IUX6dRjHTt

— Stacey Ritzen (@StaceyRitzen) March 18, 2020

Only when we collectively gaze upon true horror can we overcome the mundane horrors of everyday life. #ReleaseTheButtholeCut https://t.co/P36FFwkoqG

— Civvie11 (@Civvie11) March 18, 2020

1605: While quarantined, Shakespeare writes King Lear.

1665: While quarantined, Sir Isaac Newton discovered calculus.

2020: While quarantined, we rally together to #ReleaseTheButtholeCut https://t.co/syoEqSbpcU

— Josh Spiegel (@mousterpiece) March 18, 2020

Unfortunately, I am here to shatter your furry dreams of cinematic feline sphincters as it would seem that there’s no such thing as a “Butthole Cut” of Cats. Well, not exactly, as Mekler explained in a later update.

URGENT #ReleaseTheButtholeCut update/clarification, emailed to me by a CATS VFX crewmember who has asked to remain anonymous pic.twitter.com/nmta9CG08E

— ben mekler (@benmekler) March 18, 2020

So there weren’t any buttholes in Cats. Only things that looked like buttholes. And vaginas. On humanoid cats. Singing about whatever the frak “jellicles” are. Dear gods, I need to see this movie. After consuming copious amounts of alcohol, of course.

Last Updated: March 19, 2020