Home Gaming Like a rolling stone, here comes Rock Simulator 2014

Like a rolling stone, here comes Rock Simulator 2014

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78

The Rock

We take a lot of our games for granite these days. Slate of the art visuals leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of a game that will make other titles shale in comparison. But simulator games crag me up, what with their various attempts to soil the genre by unearthing a new genre that no publisher has excavated before. And thus, we finally have a potential diamond in the rough in the form of Rock Simulator.

Yes ladies and Germans, we have reached the plateau of simulation games, with a digital equivalent of a pet rock. Still, if ya can smell what this game is cookin’, here’s the official synopsis for the project that is currently waiting to be unearthed on Steam Greenlight:

Rock (2)

For a long time, there has been one game missing from the market, a genuine rock simulator. I am here for you today to introduce you to Rock Simulator 2014. This simulator is a rock enthusiasts dream. You can watch beautiful rocks in any location in the world. From grass plains to salt flats, there are dozens of hand designed BEAUTIFUL environments.

Rock

I’ve got a self-imposed word count that I like to reach with each and every article, but hell, I may have just bitten the dust on this crazy concept of a game. I think I need to hit the bedrock and go take a dirt nap before I dig myself into an even deeper hole.

Last Updated: June 26, 2014

78 Comments

  1. What utter Baaaaalocks…

    Reply

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

      June 26, 2014 at 11:21

      Rock Simulator > Goat Simulator!

      Reply

    • Mikhil

      June 26, 2014 at 11:48

      Leave Goat Simulator out of this, it’s fun(ny) goddammit.

      Reply

  2. VampyreSquirrel

    June 26, 2014 at 11:05

    What the serious hell is that!? Rock simulator? Seriously?

    Kill it with fire! PLEASE!!!

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Cyber Commando

      June 26, 2014 at 11:05

      But then it becomes LAVA simulator?

      Reply

      • Unavengedavo

        June 26, 2014 at 11:18

        Bah dum tis

        Reply

      • Dutch Matrix

        June 26, 2014 at 11:18

        That is not a bad idea for a game:
        Imagine this: You are a volcano, situated on the edge of Pompous, Assia, a small town in Ancient Times.
        Boom, you erupt. The citizens of Pomous, Ass. aided by their gods, now come up with devious ways to divert the flow of lava.
        It is your job as the only sentient volcano on the planet to foil their devious schemes and destroy the town!
        Copyright, Dutch Matrix

        Reply

        • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

          June 26, 2014 at 11:20

          10/10 would play

          Reply

        • Kensei Seraph

          June 26, 2014 at 11:24

          Yes.

          Reply

        • Rince&Shitity

          June 26, 2014 at 11:25

          preordered

          Reply

        • Unavengedavo

          June 26, 2014 at 11:35

          Reply

  3. Pieter Smal

    June 26, 2014 at 11:06

    Conceptual Video Games = like conceptual art?

    Reply

  4. Jacques Fourie

    June 26, 2014 at 11:11

    The first 3 sentences have 3 sayings used incorrectly, the article is worse than the game!

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Cyber Commando

      June 26, 2014 at 11:14

      He was being….punny

      Reply

    • Rince&Shitity

      June 26, 2014 at 11:18

      You stoned bro?

      Reply

      • Hammersteyn

        June 26, 2014 at 11:23

        Smoking rocks again

        Reply

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

      June 26, 2014 at 11:19

      They are all puns. Play on words. Meant to be a form of parody or satire if you will (Although one can’t say it’s a parody or satire but I can’t recall what the 3rd type was from school) But I digress. It’s meant to be a lighthearted funny article to be taken at nothing more than face value

      Reply

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        June 26, 2014 at 11:27

        *rock face. Opportunity missed 😉

        Reply

        • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

          June 26, 2014 at 11:28

          Darnit 🙁 Thanx for that. You saved it though. Well done

          Reply

    • Rince&Shitity

      June 26, 2014 at 11:24

      Say what?

      Reply

  5. Alien Emperor Trevor

    June 26, 2014 at 11:11

    LOL @ sedimentary tag.

    Reply

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

      June 26, 2014 at 11:12

      Sedimentary my dear Watson. Hehehehehehe. This article is so teribad it’s epic.

      Reply

  6. Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

    June 26, 2014 at 11:12

    Hahahahahahaha. This article made my day. Hahahahahaha.

    I guess you can say this game is going to… rock our world…. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH

    Reply

  7. Alien Emperor Trevor

    June 26, 2014 at 11:12

    Can it be tamed & then trained to become a good pet? There are kids around & it might be dangerous.

    Reply

  8. Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

    June 26, 2014 at 11:15

    If this doesn’t come with a geological time scale in the HUD, a geological hammer in the tool box or a grain-size measuring tool, then I’m going to be piiiisseeeddd off!

    Reply

  9. Liquid Kaz (Umar)

    June 26, 2014 at 11:18

    Pah, the ignorant masses complaining about this game. Please, you do not understand art. You cannot the significance of this game. This might the most important game of this generation

    Reply

  10. Alex Hicks

    June 26, 2014 at 11:18

    Well, personally I’m a little disappointed. Darren, you used the phrase “no stone unturned” twice in the opening paragraph. I swear, sometimes I feel like I’m just bashing two rocks together …

    Reply

    • The D

      June 26, 2014 at 11:19

      I have brought great shale to my family…

      Reply

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        June 26, 2014 at 11:26

        So you caved? :/

        Reply

      • HvR - Still dislikes Random.or

        June 26, 2014 at 12:21

        Darryn it is never to late to turn over a new rock

        Reply

      • Mossel

        June 26, 2014 at 13:20

        huehue shale. It’s times like these I marble at your puns.

        Reply

    • Kensei Seraph

      June 26, 2014 at 11:20

      Yeah, I was also disappointed then I saw that.

      Reply

      • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

        June 26, 2014 at 11:20

        *when

        Reply

        • Kensei Seraph

          June 26, 2014 at 12:28

          How I made that mistake I have no idea.
          The T and W keys aren’t even near each other on the keyboard.

          Reply

          • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

            June 26, 2014 at 12:31

            wo whe corner!

            I mean.. To the corner!

          • Kensei Seraph

            June 26, 2014 at 13:08

            Haha.

  11. Alien Emperor Trevor

    June 26, 2014 at 11:19

    Does it have realistic moss physics?

    Reply

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

      June 26, 2014 at 11:19

      I hope it has a robust weather system too

      Reply

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        June 26, 2014 at 11:20

        I know right. I better be able to watch my rock weathering in real time… OR NO SALE.

        Reply

        • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

          June 26, 2014 at 11:21

          For sure! and watching the grass grow better not be DLC!

          Reply

      • Kensei Seraph

        June 26, 2014 at 11:22

        And time-lapse styled erosion.

        Reply

        • Alien Emperor Trevor

          June 26, 2014 at 11:24

          Good point. It needs fast travel.

          Reply

  12. Unavengedavo

    June 26, 2014 at 11:21

    Will there be a multiplayer option? And what about a female playable character?

    Reply

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

      June 26, 2014 at 11:23

      and inter-rock relationships. I mean why can’t Igneous and Metamorphic rocks be together? They better include those

      Reply

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        June 26, 2014 at 11:31

        It needs to be a safe place. What about those that are petrified?

        Reply

        • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

          June 26, 2014 at 11:40

          Exactly. They really do find themselved between a rock and a hard place hey?

          (see what I did there? hehehe. Getit? Nudge nudge. Juvenile joking ftw)

          Reply

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            June 26, 2014 at 11:42

            😀 Good man!

            Last thing we want is them feeling like they need to go underground.

          • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

            June 26, 2014 at 11:43

            Yeah, they really shouldn’t have to grind against the society idea of norm

    • Alien Emperor Trevor

      June 26, 2014 at 11:24

      Are you mad? There’s an instant attraction, some rock on rock action, they start banging, sparks fly, next thing the whole world is burning down.

      Reply

      • Kensei Seraph

        June 26, 2014 at 11:24

        Wahaha.

        Reply

      • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

        June 26, 2014 at 11:25

        Hhahahahahahaha

        Reply

      • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

        June 26, 2014 at 11:25

        Some rocks just want to watch the world burn

        Reply

      • Unavengedavo

        June 26, 2014 at 11:28

        Well you know what they say… the more heated the room, the more heated the passion

        Reply

        • Alien Emperor Trevor

          June 26, 2014 at 11:30

          O_o I’m not going into that sauna again. Sies.

          Reply

  13. Hammersteyn

    June 26, 2014 at 11:22

    So no new Rockman(Megaman) game yet?

    Reply

  14. Viking Of GabeN

    June 26, 2014 at 11:28

    Will I be able to edit my rock’s various mineral contents? More Silicone! Less Carbon!

    Reply

    • Brady miaau

      June 26, 2014 at 12:29

      Silicoid race rocks!

      Reply

  15. Rince&Shitity

    June 26, 2014 at 11:29

    More fun found in this article than in the game I venture.

    Reply

  16. hairyknees

    June 26, 2014 at 11:34

    xD

    Reply

  17. Rince&Shitity

    June 26, 2014 at 11:34

    A rolling stone never gathers SALES PEOPLE!

    Reply

    • Kensei Seraph

      June 26, 2014 at 11:35

      Ok, now you’re just trying to hard.

      Reply

  18. alcatraz5953

    June 26, 2014 at 11:37

    There is something very wrong with this world

    Reply

  19. caponeil

    June 26, 2014 at 12:03

    Multiplayer will probably be “rock/paper….

    Reply

  20. Guest

    June 26, 2014 at 12:05

    Might even be better

    Reply

  21. caponeil

    June 26, 2014 at 12:07

    The geologist in me is saying…sweeeeet… THe gamer in me is saying wtf!

    Reply

  22. Jaded_Reprobate

    June 26, 2014 at 12:10

    still wondering why no1 has asked the question: “how stoned are these people” o_O

    Reply

    • Greylingad

      June 26, 2014 at 12:25

      Hey man… I have a great idea for a game man…. like what if we like… make a game right… of like rocks man… like we could just like…you know be rocks…like stoned… like rocks man….

      Reply

  23. Brady miaau

    June 26, 2014 at 12:28

    ok, credit where due. I enojyed this article Mr Bonthhuys. I thought it was clever, with just the right amount of irreverence to drive the point home.

    Reply

  24. HvR - Still dislikes Random.or

    June 26, 2014 at 12:30

    Heard there is already a Rock Hot Coffee Patch out

    Reply

  25. Sageville

    June 26, 2014 at 12:50

    Well, can you at least customize your rock?

    I assume there is a companion app?

    Reply

    • Jase

      June 26, 2014 at 13:01

      Probably can using micro-transactions (if it were me, I would call the in game currency Pebbles), and you can either watch the rock for several millennia and hope it turns into a boulder or spend your (parents’) money and buy Everest now for the ultimate bragging rights.

      Reply

  26. MrChinwag

    June 26, 2014 at 13:29

    Saddest thing about it all is that there will people that will spend money on this shit.. Thank fuck this shit not available for Consoles. lol the “Master Race” can get Rock Simulator while the Console looks like myself gets to play GTA 5 on our PS4.

    Reply

  27. Sk3tz0

    June 26, 2014 at 17:20

    It’s an Outrage they wasting money on this rubbish when they could be spending the time and money for Pokemon MMO!!!

    Reply

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