We often post new hardware, toys and gadgets here that we’d easily sell our organs for, or keep a bathtub stocked with ice the next time solicitors pop on down to our offices. That’s a favourite joke in any circle, but have you ever really been that desperate? Have you ever actually thought of chopping off a limb or going under the knife just so that you can have the newest gear?
Well good news folks. Not only is Lazygamer clued up on the black market due to dealings that made us rich beyond our wildest dreams when we sold 9/10 scores, but we know a little something something about organ harvesting as well. So if you really, really want a new iPad and can do without some of your skin, we can make a deal with some shady chaps lurking in the back alley over there.
I’m using a case example from Medical Transcript here, via Gizmodo. Numbers from around the world which are largely the same and with few fluctuations between other accredited sources:
- Pair of Eyeballs: $1,525
- Scalp: $607
- Skull with Teeth: $1,200
- Shoulder: $500
- Coronary Artery: $1,525
- Heart: $119,000
- Liver: $157,000
- Hand and Forearm: $385
- Pint of Blood: $337
- Spleen: $508
- Stomach: $508
- Small Intestine: $2,519
- Kidney: $262,000
- Gallbladder: $1,219
- Skin: $10 per square inch
That’s not too bad. If those numbers are real, then selling off a spleen (MY SPLEEN!) will net you most of what you need for an HTC Vive or at least an iPad that is relevant for this year. If you’re a complete teetotaller like myself, then you can easily do without a liver and buy 327 of the HTC VR kits. Fun for the whole family!
In fact, I’ve translated the list even further, to show you what some fresh organs are worth in nerdy monetary terms:
- Pair of Eyeballs: Almost two HTC Vives
- Scalp: $607 worth of cat penises pennies
- Skull with Teeth: One MSI Intel Core i7-6700HQ & NVIDIA GeForce GTX 960M gaming laptop
- Shoulder: Pepper Potts and Mark IX Iron Man collectible Hot Toys figures for Darryn
- Coronary Artery: Three iPad Airs with 32gb storage
- Heart: 748 Black Series Star Wars Lightsabers
- Liver: 21017 DVDs of the Oscar-winning 1994 Street Fighter movie that starred Jean Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia
- Hand and Forearm: At least one LEGO kit
- Pint of Blood: At least another LEGO kit
- Spleen: The rest of the LEGO kit, this is the last time I mention LEGO I promise
- Stomach: A very cool and realitsic Freddy Krueger mask made from soft silicone
- Small Intestine: At least ten Hot Toys Iron Man figures for D’s House Party sixth-scale protocol plans
- Kidney: Even more f***ing LEGO, yes I am a liar
- Gallbladder: At least one night’s stay in Nkandla
- Skin: Silk toilet paper per square inch
Of course, chances are that you’ll be massively stiffed in the end by unscrupulous black marketers who’ll most likely leave you with just a few hundred dollars after deducting various costs and expenses from your trip to the surgery. But then again, it’s not my organs on the line here, as I quitely drop sleeping pills into Matty’s favourite soda…
Last Updated: March 1, 2016
Hammersteyn
March 1, 2016 at 15:03
Kidney: $262,000? I’ll sell mine now!
Deceased
March 2, 2016 at 06:54
My exact response
RustedFaith
March 3, 2016 at 18:20
Wait for the rand to drop more first 🙂
Hammersteyn
March 4, 2016 at 08:06
hahahaha
Praveen Kumar
March 28, 2016 at 17:56
we will buy from you $280,000.00
Hammersteyn
March 1, 2016 at 15:06
Not sure where the header is from but the balloon glove kinda underplays the horror
The D
March 1, 2016 at 15:07
OH C’MON!
https://youtu.be/E6cPSKLRR2A
Hammersteyn
March 1, 2016 at 15:08
I am ashamed.
*Leaves planet
Commander Admiral Chief
March 1, 2016 at 15:33
COME BAAAAAAAAAACK
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:35
Steyn!, Come back, Steyn!
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:08
You’d probably get a bit more for Matty & Sandy, they work out so their organs should be in good nick. Plus you’ll have a bit more time to shop them around because they’ll be a bit preserved with all that salt, vinegar & peri-peri.
Hammersteyn
March 1, 2016 at 15:09
Plus you’ll get triple for Matty’s scalp
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:10
You could shear him, knit a unique sweater & sell it a collector.
Commander Admiral Chief
March 1, 2016 at 15:31
You could knit a unique sweater COLLECTION
oVg
March 1, 2016 at 15:20
This one
Hammersteyn
March 1, 2016 at 15:22
Your male organ? No don’t!
oVg
March 1, 2016 at 15:23
My GOD organ
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:36
…
RinceThis
March 1, 2016 at 15:45
You don’t know what he’s saying, do you 0_O
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:47
That implies I’d have to listen to him. :/
RinceThis
March 1, 2016 at 15:49
WOW!
Jan Prins
March 1, 2016 at 15:23
Skull with Teeth. Hmmmm. Think I will keep mine.
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:26
I’ve got a few I can spare…
Greylingad[CNFRMD]
March 1, 2016 at 15:30
Take my liver!! I’ll put in a sports car air filter from Midas, nothing could go wrong…
Commander Admiral Chief
March 1, 2016 at 15:34
I need a 3D printer, gonna print me some kidneys!
Unavengedavo
March 1, 2016 at 15:39
The scalp is by far the easiest to hide while transporting, just shave your head clean and then wear the donor scalp as a wig… uh… Not that I would know anything about that
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:41
I hide the kidneys in a steak pie. I mean, a friend does.
Unavengedavo
March 1, 2016 at 15:42
But it’s no use if it’s cooked. Unless you are providing it to cannibals or you are pulling a Sweeny Todd O_o
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:44
No one looks that closely at a steak & kidney pie.
HvR
March 1, 2016 at 22:34
At South African airport the custom official will probably confiscate for inspection over lunch break.
RinceThis
March 1, 2016 at 15:44
How about a soul? I have some lying around here that i don’t need…
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:44
Oh, you on a diet?
RinceThis
March 1, 2016 at 15:45
Looks are on the inside!
Alien Emperor Trevor
March 1, 2016 at 15:48
Faces taste like chicken!
RinceThis
March 1, 2016 at 15:49
What have you been doing?!
Unavengedavo
March 1, 2016 at 16:01
Bath Salts? O_o
konfab
March 1, 2016 at 16:50
Pint of Blood: $337
And I am donating this stuff 0___________o
Raptor Rants
March 1, 2016 at 17:29
*checks browser*
Ok… This is not a tor browser… Why does it feel like I’ve stumbled across the dark web here????
Deceased
March 2, 2016 at 06:55
Soooo @Darryn_Bonthuys:disqus
Where can I find these black-market people you speak of?
And on a totally unrelated note – when are you planning on sleeping again?
HairyEwok
March 2, 2016 at 09:31
Pint of blood price isn’t too bad….. at least you can get blood back.
ElimiNathan
March 2, 2016 at 09:38
How is a kidney worth more than a heart. LOL
Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)
March 2, 2016 at 11:25
What… no price for testicles?
VampyreSquirrel
March 2, 2016 at 12:31
I doubt you’ll EVER find a pair of “slightly used” testicles XD
Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)
March 2, 2016 at 19:41
Man beans for sale: Previously Owned!