Home Features Flamebait Friday Debate: Which video game character would make the best dentist?

Flamebait Friday Debate: Which video game character would make the best dentist?

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titanium-dioxide-teeth-whitening-1

So it seems unlikely that you missed the furore as it kind of took over the Internet for most of this week, but the world finally got its first look at what the new Sonic The Hedgehog movie was going to look like. And I think there was a unanimous decision from basically everyone: It looks bad. From the directing to the writing, I doubt very many people were impressed with the Blue Speedster’s first live-action flick.

Beyond all of those complaints though, there was one specific thing that stood out in front of everything else, waving a flag smeared with rodent poo and taunting the audience to stare it straight in the eye without wincing in fear:

Sonic’s. Damn. Teeth.

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Above and beyond the weird eyes and long yet muscular legs plastered onto the bottom half of a fuzzy Ken doll, the addition of human teeth inside the mouth of something that’s clearly not human is a…well, it’s a choice, isn’t it? I can only hope the plot of the movie is gonna have a painstakingly tortious scene of Sonic having his teeth removed by Jim Carrey’s Eggman aka Dr Robotnik only to be replaced by a white gum-guard, providing us with the faux-teeth we deserved. Hell, part of me was envisioning Eggman not being an evil scientist, but rather a dentist looking to right the sins of hideous hedgehog teeth.

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Which got me to the idea that Eggman would be a pretty good dentist. With all the robots and contraptions constantly swirling around his be-goggled brain, Dr Eggman would probably be an incredibly trained dentist. He’s already a doctor, so that’s what, like 80% of the job already done? He loves torture, he’s got a good moustache and he’s already wearing gloves.

sonic_movie_robotnik.0

This was a bad idea for a Friday Debate, I’ve already won.

Anyway, which videogame character do you think would be a good dentist? I will be marking your answers out of ten, so best have good responses waiting in the wings.

painless-dental-operating-room
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Critical Hit as an organisation.

Last Updated: May 3, 2019

58 Comments

  1. The Big Bad Wolf

    May 3, 2019 at 11:52

    The Medic from TF2.

    Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      4/10. Nice effort, could be expanded on.

      Reply

    • Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

      May 3, 2019 at 12:21

      OR the Pyro huehuehue

      He’ll be all daydreaming of picking sweet candies from a basket but IRL he is pulling out teeth with maniacal tendencies

      Reply

  2. PoisonedBelial

    May 3, 2019 at 11:52

    Father Gascoigne.

    Who needs a drill when you have a fuck off big axe?

    Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      7/10. A true statement and unexpected, but he’s also very grimy is the thing.

      Reply

  3. Pariah

    May 3, 2019 at 12:02

    Rusty from Steamworld Dig. Because he can do a proper sterilization of his entire body + the drill before he gets to work.

    Also he’d have a good supply of gold for gold teeth. You could even ask for shiny gemstone teeth if you like, and come out looking like a modern rapper from hell. If that’s your thing. Sonic just needs the tattoos.

    Reply

    • Geoffrey Tim

      May 3, 2019 at 12:02

      I adore Steamworld Dig. 2 is especially amazing.

      Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      9/10. Good job, I’m proud of you.

      Reply

  4. Geoffrey Tim

    May 3, 2019 at 12:02

    Shao Kahn.

    Reply

    • Pariah

      May 3, 2019 at 12:02

      haha, I can just hear him going “FINISH HIM” just as he adds the filling.

      Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      8/10. Creative and unexpected. Good job.

      Reply

  5. WhiteRock

    May 3, 2019 at 12:02

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      2/10. Immortan Joe is a movie character. While the enthusiasm is good, and he does have some badass teeth, I had to deduct marks.

      Reply

  6. HvR

    May 3, 2019 at 12:02

    There is only one proper dentist in the video game world.

    Trevor

    Reply

  7. Kromas

    May 3, 2019 at 12:12

    Mario. He is also already a Doctor.

    Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      10/10. Great job, you chose correctly.

      Reply

  8. Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

    May 3, 2019 at 12:12

    The eye-machine-thing from Dead Space

    Reply

    • HvR

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      He said dentist not ophthalmologist

      Also fuck you for making me think of that scene

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

        May 3, 2019 at 12:12

        I know.

        My work here is done in any case

        Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:12

      1/10. Please see me after class.

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

        May 3, 2019 at 12:20

        How about I give you a 10/10 PK?

        Reply

        • Brad Lang

          May 3, 2019 at 12:29

          I’ll have to call your parents in.

          Reply

          • Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

            May 3, 2019 at 12:29

            You have a necromancy degree?

          • Brad Lang

            May 3, 2019 at 12:38

            Surprisingly, yes.

          • Raptor Rants

            May 3, 2019 at 14:16

            Please hold this umbrella

  9. SagatatiaRZA

    May 3, 2019 at 14:34

    Sub-Zero: freeze for anesthesia, he has a mask on already, can make a filling with an ice blast and with the right fatality can pull off a killer root canal.

    Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 14:44

      8/10. Solid and creative reasoning.

      Reply

  10. Caveshen Rajman

    May 3, 2019 at 12:46

    Mileena?

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

      May 3, 2019 at 12:46

      …as the poster girl for what happens if you DON’T go to the dentist

      Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 13:24

      5/10. Look, I trust her precision but I’m not taking anything she recommends.

      Reply

  11. Magoo

    May 3, 2019 at 12:56

    The dentist from Dentist Simulator. Which is you. You are the best dentist.

    Reply

  12. Original Heretic

    May 3, 2019 at 13:34

    That dude from Metal Gear Revengeance. Such precise blade work.

    Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 14:44

      7/10. Precise sword work is key, but I don’t know if I’d want a dentist with a metal jaw.

      Reply

  13. Raptor Rants

    May 3, 2019 at 14:16

    Scorpion. Got the drill like thingy chain and everything

    Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 14:56

      5/10. The drill chain could be useful, but I don’t want a burned tongue either.

      Reply

  14. Raptor Rants

    May 3, 2019 at 14:16

    • Dresden

      May 3, 2019 at 14:56

      Precision! Perfection!

      Reply

  15. Gareth Lagesse (eXCheez)

    May 3, 2019 at 14:34

    Bioshock’s Big Daddy. Really, is there anyone else?

    Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 14:44

      4/10. Just because they have drills, doesn’t mean they have a diploma.

      Reply

  16. Dresden

    May 3, 2019 at 12:29

    If we’re being serious, I would obviously say Mercy from Overwatch. She’s qualified, has a ton of experience and I can think of worse things to look at while having my teeth fixed.

    For the lols, definitely the Raging Badass Goliath from Borderlands. That would be one hell of a dentists appointment!

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

      May 3, 2019 at 12:38

      Starcraft 2 Medic…

      Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 12:46

      10/10 for Mercy. 10/10 for Raging Badass Goliath. Top of the class.

      Reply

  17. Magoo

    May 3, 2019 at 12:56

    The dentist from Dentist Simulator. Which is you. You are the best dentist.

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer

      May 3, 2019 at 13:05

      HAH

      Reply

    • Brad Lang

      May 3, 2019 at 14:44

      9/10 for believing in yourself.

      Reply

  18. konfab

    May 3, 2019 at 19:02

    Geralt of Rivia.
    Man hasn’t found a cavity that he hasn’t been able to fill.

    And with that comment I am now permabanned. 🙁

    Reply

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