Home Opinion Gentlemen, let me introduce you to Nicholas Sparks, the source of a lot of your suffering

Gentlemen, let me introduce you to Nicholas Sparks, the source of a lot of your suffering

4 min read
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As men, we’ve probably all been there. All you wanted to do was watch Jason Statham rupture some random Eastern European henchman’s spleen with a skillfully placed kick, but unfortunately your significant other is on film selection duties tonight. So instead of expanding your repertoire of badass moves, you find yourself assaulted with waves of romantic schmaltz, secretly gnashing your teeth so as not to disturb your girlfriend while she has herself a good cry on your shoulder.

Yep, you’ve just been dragged to see the dreaded “weepy chick-flick”, the bane of most manly men’s existence.

What you probably didn’t know though, is that a number of those emotional films was the work of one person.

It was while reading up on Mr High School Musical, Zac Efron’s next cinematic outing, The Lucky Ones, that I spotted the name Nicholas Sparks as the writer of the novel upon which the romantic drama is based. The name sounded very familiar but I just couldn’t place it, and since my favourite party trick is knowing stuff that nobody else cares about, this oversight was gnawing at me.

So first bit of free time I had this morning, I fired up Ye Olde Google Machine, entered his moniker and was instantly greeted by an emotional manipulation rap sheet as long as the tear streaks on your girlfriend’s cheeks.

Since 1996, this 46 year-old Nebraskan has churned out 16 pretty middle-of-the-road romantic drama novels, most of which seem to employ the same theme of people falling in love and then being driven apart by parents/fiancees/cancer/death/pirates. Yes, pirates. I swear, you throw in a bare chested Fabio-lookalike and some dodgy metaphors and you have yourselves a Mills & Boon novel. And women loved it. Nearly all of his books have ended up on the best seller’s list, making Mr Sparks a very successful man.

But his true claim to fame though, is the fact that of these 16 novels, 7 of them (that’s nearly half!) have already been adapted to the big screen. And if you’ve been in a relationship with someone of the fairer sex for anything longer than two dates, chances are that your tear-soaked chest is intimately familiar with most of them:

I have personally suffered through 4 of the 7 on that list, but I know that there are fellow brothers out there that might have had to experience the full brunt of Mr Sparks literary assault. They will always be in my prayers.

Now for the ladies that are (still?) reading this, you are possibly thinking that I’m just being a loud mouthed chauvinist with the equivalent emotional age of a zygote, and quite frankly you would probably be right, but you’d also be pretty hard pressed to argue that any of these films are fine cinema (Miley Cyrus “acts” in one of them, your argument is invalid). Even the most critically praised of the lot, The Notebook, is only sitting on 51% over at RottenTomatoes. And that film had the ultra-cool Ryan Gosling in it!

Now what these films lack in such banal trivialities as decent acting, skilled direction or non-cliched and cheese drenched scripts from Nicholas Sparks, it makes up for with that magical ability to kick audiences’ hearts square in the testicles. Yes, heart-testicles. And just like their male lower-body counterparts, they can only take so much punishment before their owners are reduced to uncontrollable sobbing and much leaking of mucus. This goes for men too. Because you see, just like with waterboarding, every man has a breaking point. Nicholas Sparks has driven me to the brink of mine a few times, but luckily I have yet to go tumbling into that grim crevasse. (The trick is to picture explosions. And tanks.)

Unfortunately not everybody has my testicular fortitude. I know giant, hairy beast-men that to this day, the moment they hear the words “Note” and “Book” in close proximity, are instantly reduced to this:

Look at that picture, ladies. Look at it. Is that really what you want to wake up to every morning? Do you want to be running out of tissues all the time because we’ve suddenly discovered feelings? How long before we forget which way to turn a spanner when we want to loosen a bolt?  Because that’s what Nicholas Sparks is doing to us!

So while I cannot stop Hollywood from turning his special brand of torture into movies, I can request that you stop dragging us to them. So next time your man wants to see Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson shoulder tackle a building, think of the bigger picture here and let him. It’s for the best.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Critical Hit as an organisation.

Last Updated: March 20, 2012

7 Comments

  1. Abigail Holden

    March 20, 2012 at 15:52

    While I would much rather watch Jason Statham and/or The Rock blowing stuff up/kicking ass, I have to admit I loved A Walk to Remember. I have seen a few of the other films listed above, and I feel your pain! 

    On a side note, my sister tells me the book for A Walk to Remember is worse than the movie… 

    Reply

    • Tracy Benson

      March 20, 2012 at 16:07

      Wow, it takes something special to make the movie version better than the book, usually the movie ranges between barely on par to almost unrecognisable. So you must know just how bad his writing is

      Reply

  2. Tracy Benson

    March 20, 2012 at 16:06

    I have never read any of his books, and I’ve never seen any of his movies… so that makes this comment pretty much pointless. I’ll just say I’m glad I have evaded him thus far and I hope that I can continue to do so. 

    Also, almost all of his book covers look exactly the same, so I’m not surprised that almost all of his movies are exactly the same. Cracked did an awesome comparison, if I can find the link I’ll post it

    Reply

  3. Lee Muller

    March 20, 2012 at 16:14

    I never heard of the lucky one so I too fired up Ye Olde Google Machine and found this, 
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/filmblog/2011/dec/14/the-lucky-one-nicholas-sparks, they love Nicolas Sparks as much as you do.

    Reply

    • Kervyn Cloete

      March 20, 2012 at 16:29

      Ah, it’s good to see more people taking up arms against this menace to society. Bravo!

      Reply

      • Umb_fatima

        August 1, 2012 at 12:22

        oh shut up!!!!! 

        Reply

  4. Kervyn Cloete

    March 20, 2012 at 19:30

    I just came across this choice quote about Nicholas Sparks:

    “I owe a debt to Nicholas Sparks. He made me realise that if a girl refuses to go out with you, you should threaten to kill yourself. Works like a charm!”

    Reply

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