The top five scariest games of all time

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Scary-Games-header

It’s that time of the year again. Costume shops are sold out, your nostalgia has been reduced to a sexy memory on the wrong body and somebody is going to egg your house if you don;t hand over the candy. Yes, it’s that time-honoured tradition of Halloween, except it has gone global. And that’s awesome.

For kids, Halloween is an excuse to come dangerously close to a free hospital ride to the nearest stomach pump. For adults, it;s either about getting properly smashed while dressed as Yogi Bear or to get some good old-fashioned frights in.

And if you’re looking for a chill, we’ve got your back. As gamez jernalizts, we’ve seen every horror imaginable. We’ve witnessed the terror of an Etihad flight first-hand. We’ve smelt who dealt it. We’ve verbed the adjective. So when we talk scary, we know our stuff.

So here it is: The top five scariest video games of all time.  Consider yourselves warned.

Scared? Horrified? Petrified? Good, my work here is done then. And before I close my crypt for the year, always remember:

One, two, the D is coming for you

Three, four, better lock your door

Five, six, grab a bag of dicks

Seven, eight, you better stay awake

Nine, ten, I’m back again…

Also, watch out for Mickey. Utter bastard of a mascot.

Read  Hippos will mess you up real bad in Assassin’s Creed Origins

Last Updated: October 28, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

  • Alien Emperor Trevor

    Why do you grab a bag of dicks if The D is coming for you? To get more dicks? Asking for a friend.

  • Grand Admiral Chief SpaceNinja

    Her fingers are pretty scary…

  • Captain JJ the Goo

    A list would be nice for those who cannot watch YouTube vids at work.

    • Hammersteyn

      1. Slender
      2. Alien Isolation
      3. FFNAF
      4. Silent Hill
      5. Resident Evil

      • Captain JJ the Goo

        Thank you Hammer!
        I agree with this list a bit.
        The first FEAR deserves a spot…and I never found Resident Evil THAT scary. Even as a kid.
        Outlast is also kak scary.

        • Hammersteyn

          MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
          *RUNS

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Bastard!

          • Grand Admiral Chief SpaceNinja

            xD

        • Alien Emperor Trevor

          Outlast scared me, and I was watching Rock play it.

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            A northern suburbs Afrikaans person, Dwayne Johnson or the guy whose handle is Rock? ;P

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            No, no, we’re not that close.

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Hehehe

          • Dutch Matrix

            Is that the one where you skitz about the toilet door, hoping your bowel clenching efforts can outlast your brother’s comic book reading session?
            Yeah. That some scary shit man.

          • Rock789

            Fun times! 😉

        • DragonSpirit009

          Outlast scared me as well… and I wasn’t even playing it!

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Same here.

            We played Slender together, a bunch of guys in a pitch black room (I was designated as the person behind the keyboard). We screamed little children.

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            That’s an odd thing to scream.

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Ah, damn it. My mistake. Won’t edit it for lol’s sake.

            Though, if we screamed “little children” because there actually appeared some in the room with us it would be a whole different level of scary.

          • DragonSpirit009

            I would love to have seen that XD
            I watched friend play Slender… I ran out of the room.

          • Dutch Matrix

            LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            *like
            Though it has more value now 😉

          • Rock789

            You screamed little children? That’s scarier than the game itself! 😉 🙂

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Haha. True

      • Dutch Matrix

        No Clive Barker’s Undying? No Splatterhouse? No Singles 2: Triple Trouble?

      • LIES.

        • Hammersteyn

          My work here is done XD

      • oVg

        You forgot 6. that one will be the death of Darryn… “It was PANTS” 😛

        • Captain JJ the Goo

          I thought it was a Spandex Batman suit

          • oVg

            That would be Borderlands 2. But as for Shemnu? Sheeesh the dude is playing with fire. I agree with him lol

  • WHAT?

    • Brady miaau

      perhaps you should ask to see them, you know, before we do. Or not.

      • I treat Darryn’s videos as a Kinder surprise egg – often to my detriment.

  • YOU ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD.

    • I LEARNT IT FROM YOU!

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        Is it really something you were taught, or is it just that prolonged exposure over time warped your fragile mind?

    • Hammersteyn

      0:53 Don’t tell anyone what you saw here.
      I must agree

  • DragonSpirit009

    And this is the part where I slowly walk away in case the weirdness is infectious.

  • Hammersteyn

    Cant believe Darryn spray painted a pug blue

    • Captain JJ the Goo

      I can believe that

    • Right…spray-painted. Yes, I certainly didn’t tattoo it.

      • oVg

  • oVg

    BWAHAHAHA That video was funny as fcuk.

    • Dutch Matrix

      Then you doing fcuk wrong…

  • Captain JJ the Goo

    Resident Evil is a bit like Tobasco Sauce.
    It’s the go-to choice.
    And sure it stings a bit, but there are worse ones out there.

    • Alien Emperor Trevor

      Those are some fun movies.

      • oVg

        YES all 2 minutes and 27 seconds of the nude Milla Jovovich FTW. I sped up the rest.

        • Alien Emperor Trevor

          BOING

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Only 2 min and 27 seconds?

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            A new record!

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            LOL

          • oVg

            I added them all together.

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            LOL

    • oVg

      RE6 was like Aromat

      • Captain JJ the Goo

        LOL
        RE5 wasn’t great either. Like the green Tobasco Sauce.

        • oVg

          RE4 was the SPUR secret sauce, half the bottle on chips.

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            All you’ve done now is made me crave for that sauce OVER EVERYTHING IN MY PLATE

          • Dutch Matrix

            I had some yesterday on my onion rings. Now my legs are all wobbly from farting non-stop for more than 24 hourns

          • oVg

            best feeling ever

          • Dutch Matrix

            Not when you sitting in a performance review with your manager…

          • oVg

            lol

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Just tell them it was only supposed to be a small fart, but you don’t do things half-arsed.

          • Rock789

            Pun intended? 😉

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            XD

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            I don’t know if it’s just me, but these comments the last hour have all had my laughing.

          • Dutch Matrix

            Your command of Chingrish is astonishing!

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            I’m typing really fast today because I’m trying to get work done on my one screen and commenting on Lagz on the other.

          • Rock789

            Hopefully not after the waiters have left a little present for you in the bottle… o_O

    • CypherGate

      Resident Evil 2 was my first horror game that I ever played and it scared the shit out of me. Then Silent Hill. Hell… That was a whole other level for me. If I look at Resident Evil 2 now. Its scary, but like you say its like Tobasco Sauce. Stings a bit, but there are worst ones. Oh lets not forget Resident Evil 4 re-ignited my scared levels at the time.

      • Captain JJ the Goo

        The first FEAR was excellent imo. But the second and third were both terrible.
        But the first FEAR was so much more than just a horror game. It was a decent shooter too.

        • CypherGate

          Thats true. The second FEAR game was quite scary for me though. Actually to be more specific the very first 15mins of the game was. After that it kinda mellowed out.

          • Captain JJ the Goo

            Yes. Agreed. That first bit was decent enough.

  • CypherGate

    I think Deadspace 1 should be one of the top ones. That game freaked me the hell out on MANY occasions. Playing with the lights off. Complete silence and Virtual surround sound headphones and I was in a world that made me shit the place full.

    • Captain JJ the Goo

      YES! Forgot about that one.
      DS was damn excellent.

    • GooseZA

      This.

    • Captain JJ the Goo

      It’s one of the few horror games (along with FEAR) that I’ve replayed because I missed that atmosphere and the scares.

    • Rock789

      Ah, Deadspace 1… So true. Still one of the best out there!

  • Generic ZA

    Hehe, for some people the price tag stuck on the packaging is the scariest thing about a game these days. ;P

    But once you’re in the game and stumble upon a corridor like this in a horror game, you just know that the proverbial poo is going to hit the fan.

  • Grand Admiral Chief SpaceNinja

    Half Life 2….the fast zombies. Freaked me out the first time

    • Captain JJ the Goo

      Ravenholm was moer scary that first time.

  • Martin Human

    Nah guys, scariest games ever? The original Thief, the part in the old haunted cathedral. Second, Call of Cthulu dark corners of the earth. Amnesia also deserves a spot

  • Rock789

    Well, that Top 5 was… absolutely frightening! In a weird, what the hell was that, kinda way… o_O

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