Here’s 8 reasons why you need to stop being so upset over Final Fantasy 7 Remake

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Today, is a terrible day to be a Final Fantasy 7 fan. That’s certainly what the dodgiest of video game news websites would have you believe, as info straight out of PSX revealed that Square Enix would release Final Fantasy 7 Remake as an episodic series of games. And I’m behind that. Final Fantasy 7 was a huge game, bigger than your ego,  and just as terrible to actually play.

Completely remaking that game, with new assets, voice-overs and CGI cutscenes? A daunting task, to say the least. Naturally, plenty of people have had something to say about it. But I’m here to lay a pipe-bomb of reality at your doorstep, and apply a Cobra-clutch strangle-hold to your righteous anger for the house of Square Enix.

Here’s a bunch of reasons why quite honestly, you need to stop complaining.

You’re outraged, and nobody cares

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Rage! Anger! Linkin Park lyrics! Look, I get that you’re pissed off. This is Final Fantasy 7. This is the kind of game that made you jump from your seat like a tosspot during E3 and shed actual tears. I’m not much of a human being myself, but I usually find the idea of showing actual raw emotion such as this something that should be reserved for funerals or when you’ve crashed a new car the day before your insurance has gone through the necessary channels.

And I get that. I get the emotional attachment to this series that you’ve built up over the years. And I hate to break it to you, but you’ve got a problem if you can’t let go of 1997. You’ve got an even bigger problem if a video game that happens to be older than you, can drive you to such an extreme reaction.

Step back from the monitor, re-read that post that you’re about to make and get a grip. The very nature of outrage is a selfish emotional response to something that you disagree with. You’re one person amongst the masses. The hard truth is, is that you don’t matter, just like your vote during an election. Square Enix doesn’t give a crap. Square Enix wants your money. Square Enix is a business. Your emotions don’t even factor into this game and its development cycle.

Your temper tantrum isn’t going to do a damn thing, except give it free publicity. Hell, I’m complicity guilty of this right now myself. Get over yourself.

Nostalgia belongs in the past

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Kids these days, what do they know? They never faced the Ruby Dragons man. They never used an Omnislash finish on Sephiroth. They never had to balance blisters with EXP-grinding.  Kids today, man, they’re stupid. And yes, yes they are. Just like everyone else. We’re all properly stupid. I understand how Final Fantasy 7 was the biggest thing around in 1997.

Square Enix pumped more than double the money that went into developing Final Fantasy 7 into the marketing alone. Final Fantasy 7 was on all the TV stations, every video game enthusiast magazine around had a double-page spread that helped them remain blissfully ignorant of their impending irrelevance and anticipation was through the roof.

You were there. You lived through it. You survived it. That advertising blitz left an impression on you, and Square Enix has been milking it ever since. All that merchandise, the poorly-dubbed CGI film sequels and that tease of a PlayStation 3 demo all those years ago were specifically designed to keep Final Fantasy 7 alive.

Because as a brand, Final Fantasy 7 has been massively popular and profitable. It’s even got a proper name, Compilation of Final Fantasy 7, that Square Enix has been more than upfront about as they spun off countless action figures, T-shirts, replica swords and various other merch around. Final Fantasy 7 is so much more than just a jewel-case filled with discs, and your nostalgia is feeding into that engine. Well done.

Or for another example, think of music. And how your favourite band still sucks. You know I’m right.

It’s not Final Fantasy 8

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You heard me. Hell, it’s not even Final Fantasy 6, and that game had more emotional depth with a few sprites than a fully-realised 1997 CGI sequence did when it stabbed Aeris in the gut and future-endeavoured her like the WWE’s current relationship with Hulk Hogan.

Square Enix owes you nothing

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There’s this massive attitude of entitlement in people who play games, that they’re owed something. And that’s nonsense. Nobody owes you anything. For many of you, you’ve barely hit your twenties. You’re at the point in your life where the world hates you, and rightly so. Because for the last pair of decades, you’ve been suckling on the teat of society while mommy and daddy pays the bills.

As a young and fresh-faced kid in or out of high school, you have nothing to offer humanity besides a pristine set of organs that you’re abusing with your newly-discovered habit of being legally allowed to purchase alcohol. Video games aren’t a right, they’re a damn privilege. Piss off with your sob story of how Square Enix is destroying your childhood. Nobody cares. I’ll play you a melancholic tune on the world’s smallest violin if you’d like, while flipping you off.

You’re part of a generation who sees more value in a fancy cup of coffee than a decent mobile game from hard-working developers. You’ll bitch and moan about how a game lets you down with micro-transactions when it hits the freemium marketplace, but whinge endlessly when someone asks you to pay for their hard work. This is why society hates you.

Like I said, you’ve got nothing to offer and you’re stuck in a crappy job right now because the rest of us either worked our way up the ladder or were smart enough to find a niche in life and abuse the hell out of that advantage. Life is all about making choices, and living with the consequences of them. Your forum thread about how Square Enix is going to kill Final Fantasy 7 by breaking it up into chunks, means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Because you’ll buy it anyway. Deal with it.

Just shut up already

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No seriously. I’ve been patient for almost a full year. I’m tired, burnt out after working almost every single day of the week and I haven’t had a vacation since last year. It’s your turn to hear me complain about something for a change. Grow up, and put your Final Fantasy 7 money into something more sensible like Rise of the Tomb Raider or a pension.

It could be shit

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You’re writing open letters to Square Enix, and not a single one of you have even played the game. And I like what I’m seeing. I have zero idea if what I’m seeing will actually be fun to pull off however. And that’s a trap that I’ve fallen into many a time. Fo f**** sake, I bought Brink on launch day. I have no right to pre-order anything.

So put the FOMO down, back away and maybe realise that the Final Fantasy 7 you grew up with won’t be the same. It’s not even any good when you really examine it closely. The story is everywhere and unnecessarily convoluted, the big drama scenes have the emotional impact of an Adam Sandler comedy. The gameplay doesn’t hold up next to Final Fantasy 8’s woefully underrated Junction system and you can probably score a PSP with Crisis Core: Final Fantasy on it for a song right now.

You don’t have to have everything right now. Slow down, breathe and calm down. Video games won’t run away from you.

It’s being developed partly by the same chaps who make Naruto games

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So it probably will be bollocks, but at least it’ll look pretty when Cyber Connect 2 get behind the development steering wheel.

Buy the original then

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Whatever the very first episode of the Final Fantasy 7 Remake is, it will never ever match your hopes and dreams. 20 years of memories and dreams, that’ll be flushed down the toilet when some minor annoyance ruins the experience for you. Or when you realise that Japanese developers don’t believe in Western ideas like intuitive menu design, streamlined character progression or treating any gender with proper respect.

So just go buy the original game then. You can have it on any Sony platform, along with your edible cake.

Last Updated: December 7, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Word-slinger at Critical Hit. Inventor of the macho Swiss gym chocolate known as Testoblerone. That's...that's about it really.

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