We take a lot of our games for granite these days. Slate of the art visuals leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of a game that will make other titles shale in comparison. But simulator games crag me up, what with their various attempts to soil the genre by unearthing a new genre that no publisher has excavated before. And thus, we finally have a potential diamond in the rough in the form of Rock Simulator.
Yes ladies and Germans, we have reached the plateau of simulation games, with a digital equivalent of a pet rock. Still, if ya can smell what this game is cookin’, here’s the official synopsis for the project that is currently waiting to be unearthed on Steam Greenlight:
For a long time, there has been one game missing from the market, a genuine rock simulator. I am here for you today to introduce you to Rock Simulator 2014. This simulator is a rock enthusiasts dream. You can watch beautiful rocks in any location in the world. From grass plains to salt flats, there are dozens of hand designed BEAUTIFUL environments.
I’ve got a self-imposed word count that I like to reach with each and every article, but hell, I may have just bitten the dust on this crazy concept of a game. I think I need to hit the bedrock and go take a dirt nap before I dig myself into an even deeper hole.
Last Updated: June 26, 2014
Rince&Shitity
June 26, 2014 at 11:03
What utter Baaaaalocks…
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:21
Rock Simulator > Goat Simulator!
Mikhil
June 26, 2014 at 11:48
Leave Goat Simulator out of this, it’s fun(ny) goddammit.
VampyreSquirrel
June 26, 2014 at 11:05
What the serious hell is that!? Rock simulator? Seriously?
Kill it with fire! PLEASE!!!
Admiral Chief Cyber Commando
June 26, 2014 at 11:05
But then it becomes LAVA simulator?
Unavengedavo
June 26, 2014 at 11:18
Bah dum tis
VampyreSquirrel
June 26, 2014 at 11:23
http://cuddlebuggery.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Ba-dum-tish-300×277.png
Dutch Matrix
June 26, 2014 at 11:18
That is not a bad idea for a game:
Imagine this: You are a volcano, situated on the edge of Pompous, Assia, a small town in Ancient Times.
Boom, you erupt. The citizens of Pomous, Ass. aided by their gods, now come up with devious ways to divert the flow of lava.
It is your job as the only sentient volcano on the planet to foil their devious schemes and destroy the town!
Copyright, Dutch Matrix
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:20
10/10 would play
Kensei Seraph
June 26, 2014 at 11:24
Yes.
Rince&Shitity
June 26, 2014 at 11:25
preordered
Unavengedavo
June 26, 2014 at 11:35
…
Pieter Smal
June 26, 2014 at 11:06
Conceptual Video Games = like conceptual art?
Jacques Fourie
June 26, 2014 at 11:11
The first 3 sentences have 3 sayings used incorrectly, the article is worse than the game!
Admiral Chief Cyber Commando
June 26, 2014 at 11:14
He was being….punny
Rince&Shitity
June 26, 2014 at 11:18
You stoned bro?
Hammersteyn
June 26, 2014 at 11:23
Smoking rocks again
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:19
They are all puns. Play on words. Meant to be a form of parody or satire if you will (Although one can’t say it’s a parody or satire but I can’t recall what the 3rd type was from school) But I digress. It’s meant to be a lighthearted funny article to be taken at nothing more than face value
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:27
*rock face. Opportunity missed 😉
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:28
Darnit 🙁 Thanx for that. You saved it though. Well done
Rince&Shitity
June 26, 2014 at 11:24
Say what?
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:11
LOL @ sedimentary tag.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:12
Sedimentary my dear Watson. Hehehehehehe. This article is so teribad it’s epic.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:12
Hahahahahahaha. This article made my day. Hahahahahaha.
I guess you can say this game is going to… rock our world…. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:12
Can it be tamed & then trained to become a good pet? There are kids around & it might be dangerous.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:13
like this?
http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs7/i/2005/189/8/e/Pet_Rock_by_kris_wilson.jpg
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:13
bwhahaha
VampyreSquirrel
June 26, 2014 at 11:25
On the same note…
http://www.loadingartist.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/2011-10-17-pet-rock.png
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:26
hehehe. That’s the one I was actually looking for but couldn’t find
Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)
June 26, 2014 at 11:15
If this doesn’t come with a geological time scale in the HUD, a geological hammer in the tool box or a grain-size measuring tool, then I’m going to be piiiisseeeddd off!
Liquid Kaz (Umar)
June 26, 2014 at 11:18
Pah, the ignorant masses complaining about this game. Please, you do not understand art. You cannot the significance of this game. This might the most important game of this generation
Alex Hicks
June 26, 2014 at 11:18
Well, personally I’m a little disappointed. Darren, you used the phrase “no stone unturned” twice in the opening paragraph. I swear, sometimes I feel like I’m just bashing two rocks together …
The D
June 26, 2014 at 11:19
I have brought great shale to my family…
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:26
So you caved? :/
HvR - Still dislikes Random.or
June 26, 2014 at 12:21
Darryn it is never to late to turn over a new rock
Mossel
June 26, 2014 at 13:20
huehue shale. It’s times like these I marble at your puns.
Kensei Seraph
June 26, 2014 at 11:20
Yeah, I was also disappointed then I saw that.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:20
*when
Kensei Seraph
June 26, 2014 at 12:28
How I made that mistake I have no idea.
The T and W keys aren’t even near each other on the keyboard.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 12:31
wo whe corner!
I mean.. To the corner!
Kensei Seraph
June 26, 2014 at 13:08
Haha.
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:19
Does it have realistic moss physics?
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:19
I hope it has a robust weather system too
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:20
I know right. I better be able to watch my rock weathering in real time… OR NO SALE.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:21
For sure! and watching the grass grow better not be DLC!
Kensei Seraph
June 26, 2014 at 11:22
And time-lapse styled erosion.
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:24
Good point. It needs fast travel.
Unavengedavo
June 26, 2014 at 11:21
Will there be a multiplayer option? And what about a female playable character?
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:23
and inter-rock relationships. I mean why can’t Igneous and Metamorphic rocks be together? They better include those
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:31
It needs to be a safe place. What about those that are petrified?
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:40
Exactly. They really do find themselved between a rock and a hard place hey?
(see what I did there? hehehe. Getit? Nudge nudge. Juvenile joking ftw)
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:42
😀 Good man!
Last thing we want is them feeling like they need to go underground.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:43
Yeah, they really shouldn’t have to grind against the society idea of norm
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:24
Are you mad? There’s an instant attraction, some rock on rock action, they start banging, sparks fly, next thing the whole world is burning down.
Kensei Seraph
June 26, 2014 at 11:24
Wahaha.
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:25
Hhahahahahahaha
Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!
June 26, 2014 at 11:25
Some rocks just want to watch the world burn
Unavengedavo
June 26, 2014 at 11:28
Well you know what they say… the more heated the room, the more heated the passion
Alien Emperor Trevor
June 26, 2014 at 11:30
O_o I’m not going into that sauna again. Sies.
Hammersteyn
June 26, 2014 at 11:22
So no new Rockman(Megaman) game yet?
Viking Of GabeN
June 26, 2014 at 11:28
Will I be able to edit my rock’s various mineral contents? More Silicone! Less Carbon!
Brady miaau
June 26, 2014 at 12:29
Silicoid race rocks!
Rince&Shitity
June 26, 2014 at 11:29
More fun found in this article than in the game I venture.
hairyknees
June 26, 2014 at 11:34
xD
Rince&Shitity
June 26, 2014 at 11:34
A rolling stone never gathers SALES PEOPLE!
Kensei Seraph
June 26, 2014 at 11:35
Ok, now you’re just trying to hard.
alcatraz5953
June 26, 2014 at 11:37
There is something very wrong with this world
caponeil
June 26, 2014 at 12:03
Multiplayer will probably be “rock/paper….
Guest
June 26, 2014 at 12:05
Might even be better
caponeil
June 26, 2014 at 12:07
The geologist in me is saying…sweeeeet… THe gamer in me is saying wtf!
Jaded_Reprobate
June 26, 2014 at 12:10
still wondering why no1 has asked the question: “how stoned are these people” o_O
Greylingad
June 26, 2014 at 12:25
Hey man… I have a great idea for a game man…. like what if we like… make a game right… of like rocks man… like we could just like…you know be rocks…like stoned… like rocks man….
Brady miaau
June 26, 2014 at 12:28
ok, credit where due. I enojyed this article Mr Bonthhuys. I thought it was clever, with just the right amount of irreverence to drive the point home.
HvR - Still dislikes Random.or
June 26, 2014 at 12:30
Heard there is already a Rock Hot Coffee Patch out
Sageville
June 26, 2014 at 12:50
Well, can you at least customize your rock?
I assume there is a companion app?
Jase
June 26, 2014 at 13:01
Probably can using micro-transactions (if it were me, I would call the in game currency Pebbles), and you can either watch the rock for several millennia and hope it turns into a boulder or spend your (parents’) money and buy Everest now for the ultimate bragging rights.
MrChinwag
June 26, 2014 at 13:29
Saddest thing about it all is that there will people that will spend money on this shit.. Thank fuck this shit not available for Consoles. lol the “Master Race” can get Rock Simulator while the Console looks like myself gets to play GTA 5 on our PS4.
Sk3tz0
June 26, 2014 at 17:20
It’s an Outrage they wasting money on this rubbish when they could be spending the time and money for Pokemon MMO!!!