Top tip: If you want guaranteed flowers on Valentine’s Day, all you have to do is die.

Memory foam doesn’t remember us, it remembers itself without us.

When you clench your sphincter muscles to hold in a fart you're diverting all power to shields.

Scissors can cut water. Water just grows back really fast.

The fact there is a top hat implies there is a bottom hat as well.

If you escape from the police, you’re basically playing an adult game of tag.

You ever look at your fingers and think to yourself that they're basically 3d printers for fingernails?

Water: When it’s not in use, it’s kept in cloud storage.